i went to the chiropractor with back pain, i didn't think it was that bad. he looked at me and said i have scoliosis, and he fixed me!

i now stand corrected

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhoaSoup
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
What is T-Pain's favorite piece of clothing?

A T-shirt

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobinH0od2020
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife went into labor today, so I read the front page of /r/DadJokes to her as a distraction from the pain. Unfortunately, she didn’t laugh once, was clearly not amused and I have no idea why...

It must have been the delivery...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a cow that doesn’t feel pain?

C

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bishboshTV
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What did T-Pain say to the girl at the bar in New Orleans?

Imma bayou a drink

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
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One large woodland creature that can’t feel pain, four large woodland creatures that can’t feel pain, three large woodland creatures that can’t feel pain, seven large woodland creatures that can’t feel pain.

I know there is a joke here, but seems like a bunch of random numb bears to me.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
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Doctor, I haven’t told anyone this yet but I’m having some intense chest pains

Whew, glad I got that off my chest.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fat-bandit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I said to my wife this morning, "I was just reading in a scientific paper that blades of grass can actually feel pain. Amazing isn't it?"

She chortled, "Nice try, buddy! The lawnmower's in the garage!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2017
🚨︎ report
Dad's son's joke...

Once upon a time, there was a dad and he was very well known at gatherings with his witty humor and painful puns.

Then his son came along, and very quickly picked up on dad's gifts but he used them on the internet instead.

Dad mused for a minute, and said it must be heredditary...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/techtornado
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Opinion: Dad jokes shouldn't be painful.

Except for the punchline.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Moths
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Went to the zoo this morning and found a baguette in a cage.

Pretty sure it was bread in captivity.

πŸ‘︎ 100
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LoganWren
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
I recently got a new job!

A little bit of Background information:Β  When I was a young lad, my father was a professional glass cleaner.Β Β  Not just for a job, cleaning Glass was this man's passion!Β  He always wanted me to take over for him when I grew up, but I always thought it would be a pain, it was a silly job, really.Β Β  However, I knew that my father would be shattered if I didn't put an honest effort into the cleaning business.Β Β Β  The first time I perfectly cleaned a mirror, I realized I could really see myself doing this!Β Β  My father was wiping away tears of pride when I began to become as passionate as he was.

Anyways, fast forward to a couple months ago.Β Β  I have taken over my father's cleaning company, and was working a job at a publishing agency.Β  Now, due to the pandemic, this building had set up different entry points depending on the purpose of your visit, and each one was gated and stationed by an employee so you could have your temperature taken and go through a checklist to ensure you don't have any symptoms, etc.

After finishing the contract at this building, the owner was so impressed with my work that he said he would like to recommend me for a permanent job with a friend of his.Β Β  At first, I was skeptical (I had taken over the family business, after all), but it was becoming difficult to find regular clients anymore, so I agreed.Β Β Β  He gave me a single sheet from a notepad, and told me to write down something about myself that sets me apart from others in my line of work, and I should make it a very impactful statement,Β  his friend was a very busy man and wouldn't look at more than notes like these.Β Β Β  I wasn't sure what to write on the spot, so he told me to think about it, and return the note when I come back to leave the bill for my work.

So I came back a few days later, went through the gate to drop off my bill and my note about how I am much better than any other glass cleaner out there.Β Β Β  Well, it turns out the friend of the publishing agency's owner was a hiring manager for a well-known computer company, and my note really caught his eye, and I was offered the job!Β Β  Now I make more money every two weeks than I had with a month!Β Β  At first, I though my father would be upset by me leaving the family business behind, but he told me "As long as you are happy where you are, with what you are doing, then you are succeeding in life.Β  You are no longer a student of glass cleaning, you are my equal, and I am proud of you"Β  I never realized how freeing it

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/terjulmar
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
🚨︎ report
*to the tune of Batman theme song*

da na na na na na na na na na BACK PAIN.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ladyraptorclawz
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Great joke, albeit a bit long winded.

There was once a boy. He was the son of the richest man in the universe. Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, he dwarfed them all. He was a multi-trillionaire. Now, it was this boy's birthday. His father asked him,

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. A store full of lego, all the video games in the world, anything. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one pink ping pong ball."

His father was rather confused by this request. Out of all the things he could've chosen, his son chose a ping pong ball. Nonetheless, he agreed and gave him a pink ping pong ball. His son was overjoyed and spoke to him.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong ball?"

"Okay son, go ahead."

The boy then went up to his room and played with his pink ping pong ball. When his father went in the next morning to check on him, the boy was sleeping in his bed and the pink ping pong ball was nowhere to be found.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one box full of pink ping pong balls."

His father was again, confused by this. Still, he bought a cardboard box and filled it with ping pong balls. He gave it to his son, who said.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong balls?"

The father nodded, and the son went up to his room to play. The next morning when his father went to check, the boy was sleeping peacefully and there were no pink ping pong balls in sight. Just the empty cardboard box in the middle of the room.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one truck full of ping pong balls."

Now, by this point, the father was extremely confused. Why did the boy want so many pink ping pong balls and where were they going? He asked.

"My son. You are the most precious thing in the world to me and I can certainly get you this, but may I ask, why do you want

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phrresehelp
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
My son and I are very immature when he is sitting on the toilet.

I asked him:

If you pooped up into the air, would it be skyarrhea?

If you pooped after eating a pastry, would it be piearrhea?

If you pooped in the middle of the grocery store, would it aislearrhea?

If your poop was painful, would it be cryarrhea?

If you couldn't poop, would your friend ask you to just tryarrhea?

If you didn't actually have to poop, but said you did, would it be liearrhea?

If you were a scientist who had to take a poop, would it be Bill Nyearrhea?

If you pooped in an airplane, would it by flyarrhea?

If you pooped while working for a secret government agency, would it be spyarrhea?

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bridgeheadprod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
🚨︎ report
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison.

Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.

However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SnakehoundXE
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do they call them JalapeΓ±os?

Because they bring you hella pain, yo

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tokeo024
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2021
🚨︎ report
I fell at work and cracked my tailbone. Now I can’t sit down and I have to listen to everyone’s wise cracks..

All in all it’s been a real pain in the ass!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NicholasMirth
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
🚨︎ report
When someone calls you a pain in the neck..

They really mean you’re a pain in the assophagus

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roctuplets
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
🚨︎ report
As a circumcised man, I would highly recommend to not circumcise your son.

I was circumcised just after I was born, and I couldn’t walk for about a year.

πŸ‘︎ 108
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tutmencrut
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Bill Clinton is banned from all the French bakeries in his neighborhood.

He kept feeling their pain.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Which alcoholic drink can give you the illusion that you're hurt?

Sham-pain

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mitiamedved
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Beer time

I did some yardwork yesterday and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions. Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case. Time for another beer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/berryville_con
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
I have been having prostate issues recently

It’s a pain in the ass

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πŸ‘€︎ u/obiterdictum94
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I chipped my tooth on a stale French loaf.

It was painful πŸ‡«πŸ‡·πŸ₯–

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Neuroprancers
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Just got my Toenado done.
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TKsomedays
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Oman! You’re about to read some terrible stuff.

β€œI live in Spain without the β€˜s’”.

This inspired me to come up with some truly terrible country-related jokes.

It’s about to Bahrain jokes without the β€œBah”.

  1. I have a double China without the β€œa”.

  2. Some people have told me that I look a lot like a German without the β€œan”.

  3. Oman, I think that one conspiracy about Israel Israel.

  4. You all probably want to hit me with Japan without the β€œJ”.

  5. You probably can’t Kuwait to stop reading these without the β€œKu”.

  6. Nowadays, car companies are focusing on making electric cars, but I Madagascar.

  7. As you’ve probably guessed, I don’t even have one Nepal without the β€œNe”.

All of these bad jokes made me Hungary so Iran to the nearest shop to get some food. Why am I always India-r need of food?

I sincerely apologise, fellow people. These jokes probably left a painful Denmark on your souls without the β€œDen”, of course.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/anipanreads
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Today someone bought our department a box of donuts and some lotto tickets. The potential grand prize was $3,000, in which my boss exclaimed "Well that isn't enough to retire".

I corrected him by saying that is plenty of money to buy some new tires for your car.

The physical pain on his face was priceless.

πŸ‘︎ 161
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Megaman_90
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are French bakers so feared in battle?

They're bread for pain

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/umikomorebi
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
French bread run amok

Is Pain de Monium

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fingadod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
🚨︎ report
can we stop with the diarrhea jokes?

it's becoming a pain in the ass.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-Jude
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
What’s better than pain?

Pain au chocolat

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BaconCaviar
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Spicy Mexican food always makes me shout.

I like to holla "PAIN, YO!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Chad asks his friend, "What would happen if all the women in the world disappeared?"

His friend replied, "That would be a pain in the ass."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyclopropagative
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to build a house from baguettes

Now I live in pain

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/analytik
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
I used to think diabetes was a pain in the butt

But it turns out to be more of a pain the the fingers.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Epic_Mustache
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
So, how was your experience driving on snow in Spain?

sPainful

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lucascp17
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
What does a French dominatrix say as she whacks you with a baguette?

Welcome.. to the world of le pain!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alterom
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you cross a porcupine and a dodgeball?

A painful game.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Obese-Boy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Somebody hired a hitman after me

He's a real pain in the ass

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EtelanVetela
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused...

I guess it was the delivery!

πŸ‘︎ 211
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
🚨︎ report
While my wife was in labor, I told her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she wasn't amused…

It must have been the delivery…

πŸ‘︎ 294
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2017
🚨︎ report

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