I can’t believe some lowlife broke into my garage. They took my prized possession: my Limbo bar.
I mean how low can you go?
"I need a bar built in my garden," I told my friend in the pub. "But I don't know who to ask."
"Well," he replied, "I'll do it if you pay me £400."
So I gave him £400, and he said, "Right, I'll start asking around."
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve noble gases"
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, “Get out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”
The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
I can't find my limbo bar. Someone must have stolen it!
I mean, how low can you go?
An man at a bar didn’t want his wife to know he was out all night. But he was so drunk he couldn’t even stand and had to crawl all the way back home on all fours.
He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said “Why were you out all night?” He said “How did you find out?”
She said “The bar called. They said you left your wheelchair again”.
I don’t like candy bars anymore
They always Snicker at me
A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey! We don't serve your kind here!"
The mushroom replies, "Why not?! I'm a fun guy!"
He then goes on to say "The name's Gus, and all my friends call me Fun Gus"
A pirate with a ship’s wheel in his pants walks into a bar. The bartender can’t help but ask about it.
The pirate replies, “Arrgh, it’s driving me nuts!”
A weasel walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, I haven't seen your kind here before! What'll you have?"
Why couldn't COVID sit at the bar?
Because it's only 19
Credit: Unknown
I usually can’t use monkey bars
But I’m getting the hang of it
A string goes into a bar. He asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says “we don’t serve string here.
So the string goes outside and waits for a while. He goes back in and sets at the bar and orders a beer. The bartender says “we don’t serve string here.
So, frustrated the string goes back outside and sits n the curb. Boom, he gets run over and tumbles and starts to come apart.
He goes back into the same bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks closely at him and says “hey aren’t you that piece of string that was just in here?”
The string looks him in the eye and says “nope, I’m a frayed knot!”
What did T-Pain say to the girl at the bar in New Orleans?
Thor’s brother once walked into a bar, but the bartender didn’t notice....
I took my son to the bar on his 21st birthday. I found out he couldn’t handle his liquor.
It kept running through his hands.
Why can’t the seven dwarves drink at the bar?
Why don’t they let dogs in bars?
Because they can’t hold their licker.
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry we don’t serve food here.
Guy walks into a bar with his dog and the bartender says “I’m sorry sir, we don’t allow dogs in here.” Guy says “This is no ordinary dog. This dog can speak.”
Bartender says “Sure... If you say so. Now please leave.”
Guy says, “No really I can prove it.” *turns to dog *
“Dog, what is on top this building?” Dog goes “Roof.”
Bartender says “Very clever. Now I’ll ask you again: will you please leave?”
Guy goes “No no seriously! Listen to this: Dog, what is the texture of sandpaper?”
Dog goes “Ruff.”
Bartender says “This is the last time I’m going to tell you!”
Guy says “Wait wait please. Dog who is the greatest baseball player of all time?”
Dog replies “Ruth”
Bartender: “Get out! I’m calling the authorities!”
Guy and dog leave.
Outside dog turns to guy and says “Jeez. Maybe I should have said Barry Bonds.”
A rope walks into a bar & asks for a beer. The bartender says, “No, you’re only a rope.” So he decides to disguise himself. He ties himself into a knot & ruffles his edges a bit. The next day, he walks into the bar & asks for a beer. The bartender says, “Of course... Wait, aren’t you that rope?”
And the rope replies, “I’m a frayed knot.”
A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus. He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play...
One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.
The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right up and began play.
There was no doubt that the octopus was an excellent guitar player.
The man paid his handler $50 and sat down.
Another man brought a saxophone to the octopus.
The octopus took it and stared for a bit.
After a minute or two the octopus began playing a deep and soulful jazz solo.
This man paid his $50 and sat down.
The bartender went into the back and brought out a set of bag pipes.
The bartender said, “I’ll bet $100 that the octopus can’t play these bagpipes.”
The man agreed and handed them to the octopus.
The octopus sat there eyeing the bagpipes up and down for quite awhile.
The handler began to get nervous so he said to the octopus, “Hurry up and start playing the thing”
The octopus spewed, “Play it?! I wanna marry her!"
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here." The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender squints at hi
I put the candy bar on my face and started crying, but it won’t open...
It’s strange because it clearly said ‘TEAR HERE’
Why can’t you ever find vodka in a Jedi bar?
Only the Sith deal in Absolut.
Xenon and Argon walk into a bar, and the bartender says “We don’t serve your kind around here!”
Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar, and doesn't
The bar man told them "sorry we don't serve time travellers here"
Two time travellers walk into a bar...
Shouldn't Fun- sized Baby Ruth bars be called Preemie Ruths?
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!!!!
Three ropes are walking into a bar when they see a sign outside that says, "We don't serve ropes."
The first rope goes in and asks for a drink and the bartender says, "We don't serve ropes. You'll have to leave."
The second rope goes in and asks for a drink and the bartender says, "We don't serve ropes. You'll have to leave."
The third rope ties himself in a knot and undoes his top braid a bit and ruffles it up. He goes in and asks for a drink. The bartender asks, "Say, aren't you a rope?"
He replies, "I'm a frayed knot."
Don't believe tall tales you hear at the bar
It's just a swig and a myth
Rope walks into the bar. Bartender says, Sorry we don’t serve ropes here. Rope walks out, messes himself up, ties himself in a knot, and walks back into the bar. Bartender asked if he’s a rope!
Rope replies I’m a frayed knot.
Argon walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gasses here!" Argon doesn't react
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender says, “What’s with the steering wheel? That can’t be very comfortable.”
The pirate replies, “Aye, it’s driving me nuts.”
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry we don’t serve food here."
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry we don’t serve food here."
A ham sandwich walks into a bar. He orders a beer and the bartender says,”Sorry we don’t serve food here.”
A rope a walks into a bar and the bartender points to a sign, says "Can't you read?! No Ropes allowed". The rope leaves the bar, ties himself into a bow and messes up his hair and walks back in. The bartender says, " ain't you that rope again"?! The rope replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed not"!
Helium walks into a bar, The bartender says "We don't serve noble gases in here."
Mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says, Hey we don’t allow mushrooms in here.”
The mushroom says, “Why not? I’m a fungi.”
a jumper cable walked into a bar the bartender said "I'll serve you but don't start anything"
A string goes into the bar and the bartender tells him, “We don’t serve your kind here” the string then leaves, twists himself up and parts his hair, coming back to the bar, the bartender then asks, “Aren’t you the string from yesterday?”
The string replies, “I’m a frayed knot”
Argon walks into a bar. Bartender says “sorry we don’t serve noble gases here”
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