My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.

The decision was a piece of cake.

👍︎ 11k
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👤︎ u/LordCinko
📅︎ Jan 31 2021
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Teacher: "Use the word sugar in a sentence."

Student: "The tea is too sweet."

Teacher: "Where is sugar in the sentence?"

Student: "In the tea!!"

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👤︎ u/VERBERD
📅︎ Jan 26 2021
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My Dad is Gossip Girls

So my dad is usually really quiet and "submissive" right? Like he doesn't do a lot of loud things except find the distance the chicken had to travel to cross the road in a bad dad joke.

Anyway, whenever one of us(a 6 people family) comments about something in a small group of 1-3 people, he's always got all the information. He just... knows. For example(this happened like 10 minutes ago): Me: "Wow, this tea is pretty sweet today." Mom: "well, did you sweeten it?" Me: "I d-" My dad shakes his head. Dad: "No, the person who made the tea added double the amount of sugar you previously added to the jug." Mom: "Who?" And then he points to the bedroom before I can tell my mom who made my glass of tea.

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📅︎ Feb 20 2019
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So I don't swear in front of the kids...

Something just popped up on my laptop and gave me a jump-scare. I said "Oh Fudge, what is that?" My GF replied with "It's a sweet made from sugar, butter and condensed milk".

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📅︎ Jan 24 2016
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➡

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📅︎ Feb 22 2016
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My father and I were watching a drug deal in a movie...

When the trunk was opened to reveal numerous bags of cocaine...

Me: Look at all this powdered sugar!

Dad: Sweet!

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👤︎ u/Rhomagus
📅︎ Sep 22 2015
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Dad joked my girlfriend the other day.

We were at McDonalds getting a coffee when she asked me to go to the separate counter and get her come sugar.

I replied with, "Why? You're already so sweet."

The woman making the coffee dropped it because she was laughing so hard and the old couple behind me burst out laughing.

I can't wait til I become a father.

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📅︎ Jan 04 2014
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Got my pops this evening. Eyes were rolled.

Dad: Did you add sugar to that spaghetti sauce you gave me? The meatballs I cooked in them last night came out kind of sweet.

Me: Nah, Dad. You just made sweetish meatballs.

I could see the pride in his eyes.

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📅︎ Feb 23 2015
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My grandpa dadjoked our waitress.

Waitress: "What can I get y'all to drink?"

Grandpa: "I'll have a sweet tea."

W: "Well we only have unsweet so you can add your sugar how you like."

G: pointing at my grandma " Well I don't think she'll fit, and I'm not sure if I like her!"

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📅︎ Jul 19 2014
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My dads all time favorite

Whenever we're going somewhere that requires a substantial amount of driving time (at least two hours) my family stops at a McDonalds or something for food. My dad will always order a coffee and be a little unclear about his order so the server will have to ask if he wants sugar in his coffee to which he will reply "no thanks, I'm sweet enough".

👍︎ 9
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📅︎ Jan 03 2014
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