It’s an LGBT Queue
Most of them would drown
They’d all be a lot more comfortable
Receding hare line
A receding hairline
The anti-loop.
Because they got a supreme ruler.
You would be dead
A joke my teacher told me in like grade 5
Because the North has a supreme ruler.
Credit for original in a slightly different form: https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aime9b/comment/eep6eyr?st=JR8D1J43&sh=307602be
Not-turnal
(my first attempt, please have mercy)
Cop: Sir I need you to blow in this breathalyzer.
Driver: I can't, I'm an asthmatic
Cop: Then I need to do a blood draw.
Driver: I can't, I'm an hemophiliac
Cop: then I need to ask you to step out of the vehicle and walk in a straight line
Driver: I can't, I'm drunk.
Ok, I leave now....
Its always straight lines, never gay lines.
Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.
Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.
Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.
The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.
Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.
Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.
One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.
Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.
“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.
The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.
“Yes of course” replied Trevor
... keep reading on reddit ➡Ok, so this one needs a bit of buildup.
At the time (a week or so ago) I was making a homebrew item for DnD (for the uninformed, Homebrew are custom made items/classes/spells to use in a DnD game at the discretion of the DM (Dungeon Master)).
I had shown this item (shameless plug) to my friend (who is also the DM of the campaign I'm in now) in the hopes of using it in the campaign. He had pointed out that the item was a bit OP for it's cost and that the homebrew page I had made for it was too long. We were discussing ways to improve both the item and the page, and then got on the topic of magic items in general.
It went something along the lines of this:
DM: ... you can't really destroy a magic item before removing the magic from it. Like, you could try to melt down a magic sword for example, but all that would really do is make it too hot to hold. You could even bend it, but not outright destroy it.
Me: That's gotta be one pissed off magic sword.
DM: I mean, yeah, if it's sentient.
Me: Maybe it got so angry at being bent, that it gains sentience just spite you or something.
DM: Well, yeah maybe.
And this, people of reddit, is when the PUN, popped into my head.
Me: *leans in* you could say that the sword gained sentience cuz it got... bent out of shape.
A second or two of silence, and I see the pun register in his head, and I fucking lost it.
I then laugh for a straight minute. After about ten secunds of me busting a gut, he said "Aight, Imma head out"
We're cool now, but he really didn't want to talk to me the next day.
It’s only cutting straight lines!
It flies in a straight line.
Some of them were pretty strange: only he could understand them and explaining the 'pun' to somebody else would take like half an hour. Anyway-
He said, "So I'll go first?"
I said sure.
I think he took "pun-a-thon" a bit too literally - he took out a marker and drew a point, and then he kept drawing this straight line (he's good at drawing straight lines) while taking how many ever steps back. I for one was concerned, because first off I didn't know how long I'd have to stick around for this, and second of all, I didn't know if I could clean the mess he'd inevitably leave behind.
He kept drawing this line! We stepped out of my living room, then my apartment which was on ground-level, and he kept drawing it. He drew his line all the way through the corridor, up until the entrance to the building, and when I kept asking him if he's done yet, he didn't say a word. I had to keep subtly reassuring security and everyone who was staring at my friend hunched over like that robot from Wall-E.
He stepped out of the building and kept on drawing his line. At this point I was trying to guess what the hell is the outcome. I kept screaming punchlines at him like "is this where you draw the line?", "are you going to punch me after this so this is a punchline?" and shit like that. There were people following us and two were taking videos and it was really fucking uncomfortable.
Right after he was outside the building and the premises, he started to draw this stunning drawing of the building right on the pavement. It was almost magical, as if he had been commissioned to make an ad for my place but for a million bucks. At this point the people who were following us didn't even get pissed off because they were so engrossed in his drawing. I was surprised the marker kept going on.
After about 20 minutes - he was a real quick draw (no pun intended) - he stood up and a crowd of two dozen clapped and cheered for him.
I told him, "Dude that looks fucking amazing, but I thought we were in a pun-a-thon. Why such a long set-up?"
He replied, "Yeah it was pretty drawn out."
(for more drawn-out jokes like this, visit r/feghoot!)
She said we can’t get full marks unless our lines are drawn straight
They always ask for a straight line
They all looked surprised. Then they rubbed out their eyebrows ands drew straight lines. They looked angry.
A man visits a tattoo parlor with a rather simple, but strange request. He requests a short, straight line tattooed on his upper arm.
Once the first tattoo heals, he returns, asking for another, exactly the same as the first.
After a few more visits, it becomes clear to the tattoo artist that he's tattooing tally marks on the customer's arm.
Curiosity getting the better of the tattoo artist, he asks, "What are you counting?"
The man answers, "How many tattoos I have."
Dad's turn in the check-in line comes up and walks up to the counter, hands in his armpits, elbows out, bobbing his head forward and back as he walk, which was abrupt yet fluid.
He gets to the counter, "brock! bock bock bock"
The lady at the counter says: "Excuse me?"
"Brock! brock bock bock bock" says my father
Worried she says "Can I help you check in?"
My father stares at her, bobbing his head forward and back. The lady looks confused, worried, looks at the rest of the line with eyes pleading for help.
My father then stands up straight, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought this was this chicken counter" and proceeds to produce his proper papers
Oh boy do I have a joke for you kids! Its called the cheerio joke.
So there is this land called cheerio land and in cheerio land there are 7 classes of cheerio, 0-5 and the frosted cheerios. Now there is this level 0 cheerio. Hes homeless, living out on the street, probaly an alchoholic. But he falls in love with a frosted cheerio princess. So one day he sneaks into the royal gala and goes up to the princess and asks her "will you marry me?" Now she says "I like your style, youre a good looking guy, a bit scruffy but I like you. Tell you what I will marry you if you can become a frosted cheerio" So our guy goes back with a determination and gets a job and starts to pay off his debts. Now by having a job and his debts paid he becomes a level 1 cheerio. So he works, and he works, and he works, and he WORKS and he finally becomes a level 2 cheerio. Now he goes back to the princess and askes her again, "will you marry me?" she says "no honey you really do have to become a frosted cheerio first." So he goes back and he works and works, hes a fryboy at McGrubers or something, I dont care. So he works and he works and he gets promoted at the restraunt and is making more money. And he works and he works and he works and by having that income raise he finally becomes a level 3 cheerio. He feels sucessful for the first time in his life but he is starting to fall back on his old ways. One day he goes to the casino and he loses and he loses and he loses and he gambled all his money away and he gets fired to boot because gambling is against company policy. So he is back down to a level 1 cheerio. He gets a job on a production line at a nearby factory and determines himself not to fall back ever again. So he works and he works and he works and he works and he WORKS, level 2, level 3, and he is doing great again. He is promoted to Floor manager of the factory and he is doing great and becomes a level 4 cheerio. But then one day a rival company sabotages their operation by putting poison in their toothpaste or whatever the hell they were making. They have to pay out damages and PR and the like and they declare bankruptcy. He is knocked back down to level 2 for the lack in income. But he is hired almost straight away by a branch of a huge conglomerate because they recognized how hard of a worker he is. So he works, level 3, works, level 4, and he works and works and WORKS. So he is promoted t
... keep reading on reddit ➡So here's the setup: I recently started working for a taxi cab company. It's surprisingly lucrative, and a shitload better than McDonalds.
So I'm working, and I'm parked in front of a bar, hoping that a fare is gonna knock on my window, when about twenty feet or so in front of me, I see a very good friend of mine. I shout, and we spend the next few minutes shooting the breeze. A fare knocks on my window, and I driver her to where she needs to go.
After, I'm driving back to that bar, and I get a call from my friend, asking if I had another fare lined up. I didn't so he told me to come back, he's got a group for me. They get in the car, and these guys start bugging the shit out of me. Which I can handle. What I can't handle is when they start dealing each other cocaine in my back seat. At that point, I'm just livid. I tell them to give me my money and get the fuck out of my car.
Later, I chat my friend up on Facebook. I tell him that I'm super-grateful that he got me a fare, but to please not ever put those particular assholes in my car again. And since our relationship is built on surreal humor and snark, I start expanding the list. Those assholes. Colombian drug lords. Justin Beiber. Kim Jong-Un. Please, no Korean dictators.
"But what about a penis-shaped potato?"
I'll admit, that one threw me for a loop. But I tell him that potatoes are fine, regardless of shape, size, color, or type.
At that point, I could almost hear him laughing as he typed "Excellent. Instead of a dictator, I'll send you with a dick tater."
I was so pissed off I had walked straight into that one.
It's been slow. She usually only manages a few metres in a straight line before stopping. Today she cycled along for ages with one arm held out to the side.
I think she's finally turning a corner.
Me: "You know, if I could hit it consistently in a straight line, lifting weights would really be...working out for me"
Him: "..."
He thought it was dumb and so should you
This is from a few years ago, but it's one of my favorite's from my dad:
"So, let me get this straight... he can train all these other dogs, but he can't keep his one bitch in line?"
I recently subscribed to this sub and it's my new favorite. I shamelessly stole the "tan line" joke for Facebook and a nerd volley with another dad ensued quickly.
Me: Wow, this warmer weather is getting me ready for spring. Hey, I'm already getting ready for summer, check out my tan line! <graph of tangent>
Him: It's certainly not a farmer's tan line...not straight enough.
Me: No farmer's life for me. It's not something I'd sine up for.
Him: ...and I wouldn't cosine your startup loan. (groan)
Me: Sheesh, there's no reason to be hyperbolic.
Him: I really must learn how to integrate all your math vocabulary into my daily life.
Me: You'd really have to think of some way to differentiate yours from mine.
Him: heh...maybe after I move to the delta and crawl under a natural log. I'm sorry, it just struck me that I'm acting the total asymptote.
Me: Ugh. The average of the posts in this thread is degenerating.
Him: We've traversed a slippery slope and while I don't mean to be mean we've gone way past the apex of this thread.
My wife: Nerds.
Me: You married me.
So I was at the fishing shop as I needed some new weights. The line was quote long. When I finally got to the front the attendant said "sorry for the wait", I replied "oh, but I came here for the weights". Girlfriend walked out and straight to the car..
Today at the checkout line in Home Depot, my dad decides to open up the conversation with the cashier with, "You know, one time I met MR. Depot..." Hard to keep a straight face after that one...
The Anti-loop
