"No, I'm fairly certain it was my mother."
Credit to B.C. (comic strip), most likely paraphrased since I read it many a moon ago, though I'm fairly certain the punchline is very close to the original.
When it leaves and never comes back
My wife is pregnant with our first child so I'm stepping up my joke game to reach dad level.
Mother's day was not so long ago, and since she isn't a mother yet but only a future mother, I didn't get her flowers I only got her seeds, which are future flowers.
At least I found it hilarious and so did she. Hope you guys enjoy this!
... so don’t step on a poodle! (Not mine! —> from the show ‘how i met your mother’
My grandfather or Pa, as I called him gave my an absolute gem.
He was actually my step mother's dad and we already called my other grandfather Papa, so we called him 'Pa Ulb' - Ulb being his surname.
He was an incredible artist and would paint awesome things for us or on our bedroom walls. I remember he painted me a massive Star Wars piece on one of my walls when Episode 1 came out. I was only about about 6 at the time and remember being scared of Darth Maul. From this we used to joke around that Darth Maul would come and get me if I did anything wrong. Sort of like a police officer watching my every move, to ensure I behaved.
This carried on as a joke until he died 2 years ago, when I had done something wrong he said he'd call the police and get Maul to take me away. When he did die he had just finished an incredible painting of Darth Maul as a police officer. It was amazing! My parents could make sense of it and weren't sure if it was him that had painted it, so they flipped it ov... keep reading on reddit ➡
Sitting in the living room talking about the appeal of nascar with the family when my step mother said she liked the drag races more. Without missing a beat I popped off with: I've never understood the appeal of watching grown men in high heels running down the street.
It was the best part of my day to watch everyone in the room pause, turn slowly toward me and groan loudly
Backstory: Family friend has a new job, he's an Undertaker. He was in hospital because of a serious lung infection.
Dad: 'By the way [family friend] is an Undertaker now'.
Me: 'what!? Of all jobs I would have never have guessed that'.
Dad: 'yeh it surprised me too, he was in hospital not too long ago and was in a bad way'.
Step mother: 'yeh he had something with his lungs, an infection I think like pneumonia, almost killed him' .
Dad: 'doesn't surprise me though with him being in hospital, probably because of all that coffin'.
Dad: starts giggling to himself.
Dad: 'what? I thought that was quite good'.
He has his moments.
A baker and his wife had a child. A lovely, healthy boy. Since the wife was mad about history, she wanted to give the boy a name suitable for a man destined for great things. Jokes were made, names proposed, but in the end the decision was made - they named the boy Attila.
Attila showed great potential from an early age - he excelled at sports, grew strong, but his other capabilities were astonishing as well. He learned and went through encyclopedias like a fire through forests. Surely enough, he was bound to become a great man some day.
Apart from being an exceptional young man, he loved animals as well. He was kind and compassionate, equally cherishing all forms of life. Since his parents loved him so much, they bought him all he ever wanted - but he did not ask for much, he was never greedy.
Growing up, he has received many animals as pets - there were cats, dogs, hamsters and even exotic animals - tarantulas, snakes, scorpions, you name it.
Their home became a sort of an animal... keep reading on reddit ➡
Mother was discussing how she thinks the new house is haunted. Step dad mentions off-handedly that it might be his fault.
When we pressed him to explain, he says, "I'm the size of two people and I'm normal. So, yknow, 'pair a normal'.
Sepp was a successful business man, who had married a known "gold digger" -- After Sepp's death, his eldest made claim to the estate, but his evil step mother told the lawyers "well that claim is just per Sepp's son"
My Dad, my step-mom, and I visited my step-sister in Montana(we live in Washington) where she goes to school. We had a fun weekend with her all throughout Missoula. My step-mom and step-sister have a a really close bond so when it was time to say goodbye it was tough for them and they both started crying. My dad said something close to "Look now your mother is crying," to which my sister says "Why are you worrying about her I have to walk through people like this." To which my dad hits her with the most dad joke of a dad joke I've ever heard him say. "Why don't you just walk around them instead?"
Dad and I went to the movies are a few years ago to see the second Lord Of The Rings movie and we found ourselves sitting a row in front of the catholic priest, Father John, who married dad and my step mother. We were in a small rural town so they started chatting about local sport and affairs and so on.
The trailers start and they kept talking quietly. Suddenly, a preview for "The Passion Of The Christ" comes on. Afterwards dad says
"Oh, that looks like one for you, Father"
Father John looks a little unsure
"Yeah, well, I've already read the book..."
I have written this book to sweep away all misunderstandings about the crafty art of punnery and to convince you that the pun is well worth celebrating.... After all, the pun is mightier than the sword, and these days you are much more likely to run into a pun than into a sword. [A pun is a witticism involving the playful use of a word in different senses, or of words which differ in meaning but sound alike.]
Scoffing at puns seems to be a conditioned reflex, and through the centuries a steady barrage of libel and slander has been aimed at the practice of punning. Nearly three hundred years ago John Dennis sneered, “A pun is the lowest form of wit,” a charge that has been butted and rebutted by a mighty line of pundits and punheads.
Henry Erskine, for example, has protested that if a pun is the lowest form of wit, “It is, therefore, the foundation of all wit.” Oscar Levant has added a tag line: “A pun is the lowest form of humor—when you don’t think of it first.” John Crosbie and Bob... keep reading on reddit ➡
So my step dad, mother, and I are on our way home from a pint night tonight when we got onto the conversation of twins. I was going back and forth with my mom, who as a nurse was giving insightful comments on the subject. My step dad quips in and asks if there's any specific parts of the US that are prone to fraternal or identical twins. We both are kinda confused for a second, and my mom says it's not a geographical thing but genetics. He then says he would have thought Minnesota would have been the place. I lost my shit. My mom was confused until she realized it was a baseball dadjoke.
I was at the diner with my family on Mom's day. My step brother looks around the packed dining room and says, "Damn it's crowded in here!" to which I reply "Yeah, everyone and their mother is here today."
Me and my father were watching CNN and they were talking about the ISIS beheadings. My step mother was getting quite heated about the coverage and my father went "Woah woah woah, it's nothing to lose your head over!"
So I was eating dinner with my mother and step dad last night and I accidentally dropped a spoonful of green peas on the floor.
Mother: Aw Alex! Me: Shit, I just peed all over the floor!
::Mom and step dad look at me in disgust along with the chirping of crickets.::
Im french-canadian. ^^"Hi ^^french-canadian, ^^im ^^dad" ^^done!
Im made an awesome dadjoke earlier but it is french. Im still gonna tell you, cause its awesome, but don't worrie, I'll explain it over and over and laugh doing it, because, after all, im a dad and the same rules apply, whatever the language.
So, the mother was distributing cookies after the meal. One for the daughter, one for me and 2 for her. Doing it, she said "le deuxième, c'est mon pourboire" (the second is my tip) in french, tip is pourboire, but, if you separate the word like so "pour boire" it means "for drinking". So, I said to her "pour boire? Les biscuits, c'est pour manger!" (for drinking? Cookies are for eating)
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHA. FUCK ME, ITS HILARIOUS.
See, its a classic dadjoke in french and I still got her good! "Pour boire? Ben non, c'est pour manger" hahahahah. Cause you don't drink cookie, you eat it. Hahaha. So great. Eyes were rolling all over the place, I almost step on... keep reading on reddit ➡
Was talking with my step-mother-in-law. She said "The kids are being quiet. They must be misbehaving." I followed with "That's sound logic..." I thought it was hilarious and she laughed once but my wife just thought it was stupid.
Me and my brother both come home to find my mothers been on a shopping trip, bags of food are everywhere in the hall and alone on the stairs is a large piece of cheddar cheese. I ask why the cheese is there and my brother responds..
"Its on the naughty step, it wasn't being mature"
Yesterday a large package arrived from UPS. it was a bat house my mother had ordered. As my mother excitedly opened the package, I asked why we need a bat house. My dad steps into the room and says "Because your mother is bat shit crazy. " And stepped back out.