I hope the standards of this sub are low enough
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yomamama69
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
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The gold standard
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JukeboxSommelier
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFoxMaster00
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
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An American, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, a Burmese, a Chinese, a Canadian, a Dutchman, a Dane, an Englishman, an Estonian, a German, a Japanese, a Korean, a Mexican, a Nepalese, a Pole, a Russian, and a Welshman all walk into a posh bar. The doorman says sorry, we have standards.

You can’t come in without a Thai.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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I have a simple standard for dadjoke quality: the joke should not simply be a lame, obvious pun that anyone could think of. So I checked to see if any of this sub's top ten jokes met this standard

But no pun in ten did.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Harambememes69
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
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Women’s standards are always too high
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bence0302
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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I used to have high standards

until someone stole all my flagpoles.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShiftyMcShift
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
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Why is the king only one foot tall?

Because he’s a ruler.

πŸ‘︎ 332
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πŸ‘€︎ u/curio_123
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
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What television video interface standard was created by Yoda?

HDMI?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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My transformation is almost complete

So my wife is currently working from home and her employer decided to send her a hamper package in the mail. It was quite nice but pretty standard stuff. Wine, some cookies, crackers and also a bottle extra virgin olive oil (came with a cheese platter kit)

Wife was pretty happy about the fancy packaging and showed it to me saying "look they even sent extra virgin olive oil in this little fancy bottle for cheese platters!"

My response? "Aww that poor olive oil bottle never had sex? So sad!"

...Pls send help

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hyperpuma
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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Everyone always talks about their standard poodle

Am I the only one who drives an automatic?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NeilsErikTheRedd
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
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One time I lowered my standards when it came to a girl but I told my friends afterwards the girl was hot like a summer day in the Sahara. You could say I metaphor.

Get it? Met-a-four?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/raging64
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
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What the fuck happened to this sub??

https://imgur.com/ImM3RWz

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HydrosFear
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
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Who enforces cheese standards in Mexico?

The Feta-ralies.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Avian80
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 143
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Permatato
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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So tired of these double standards.

If a woman sleeps with ten men she's a slut, but if a man does it he's gay.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Valdagast
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2019
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Why are dogs more likely to chase standard cars than automatic ones?

Because they’re stick

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Classic-Canuck
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2019
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My daughter starts standardized testing tomorrow. She asked how long they were.

I said eleven inches, then turn the page. Eleven inches on those two pages, then turn the next page... Eleven more on those two...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/billdanbury
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
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A construction worker goes to a fancy restaurant and his a dress code problem.

The man goes into the fancy restaurant and have a discussion with the host:

Host Sir, you cannot come in here with out a belt. We have standards.

The man goes out to his car and puts on a belt fashioned out of some rope. He goes back in.

Host Alright.... I guess you have a belt....You still need a jacket.

The man goes back out to his car and fishes out a jacket his wore to a wedding a year ago. He shares it off, brushes it with his hand, and puts it on.

Host Ok. You still need a tie. It is required.

The man goes out to his car. He doesn't have a tie. He puts on jumper cables and makes a perfect Windsor knot.

Host You have a belt and a jacket. I guess you have a tie.

Just don't try to start something....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WinnieTheEeyore
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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This is pretty tenuous even by dollar-store standards.... imgur.com/Tr4L2qv
πŸ‘︎ 169
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ultra-saurus
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2015
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Job requirements are hire standards
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kahnonymous
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
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My school used to give out wintergreen lifesavers to students taking standardized tests

But gum is our new tester mint.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/exref
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2018
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Just a standard conversation with my dad...

http://i.imgur.com/Xp8DaVY.png

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eggerslolol
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2015
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Ray's Your Standards for Steak
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedditCitizenKane
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2013
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Driving thru customs, standard dad answer when asked if there were any food or animals to declare...

"Just the wife"

πŸ‘︎ 136
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Leiderdorp
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2013
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I don't think women should be allowed to have kids after 40.

40 kids is way too much by any standard.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LudwigFeuerbach
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
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Dad's standard answer to "How do you have your coffee?"

"In a cup."

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cadder
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2013
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You can actually tell the sex of an ant by dropping it in water.

If they float, they're boy ant.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kristhebrown
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2018
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My son's Math Teacher called him average.

I think he's mean.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/youworryaboutyou
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2018
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A Standard Poodle can be a lot of trouble for a first-time dog owner

I’d recommend an Automatic Poodle

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/landsmith
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2017
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The most expensive window stand ever.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2018
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Roommate rummaging through the wine shelf: "dude, what's the difference between this Cabernet standard and a Cabernet reserve?"

me: "one called ahead!"

she left.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jackiejack1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2016
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Not sure if this is up to standard

The SO asked me to do her a favor.

Me: Sure

Her: Can you run upstairsβ€”

Me: yup

Her: and get me myβ€”

Me: Wait, there's more?

Her: roll eyes

Me: Hyena laugh.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/n10w4
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2015
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Son: Hey Dad, did you ever get shot in the army?

Dad: No I got shot in the leggy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/squeth
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
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So my Microwave broke

Right now we've got a standard whirlpool. One basic box, with a rotating center tray. No frills.

I'm looking at a newer model. It's split in the center, and there's a second rotating tray. Also, it's voice activated.

What do you think?

Should I stick with what I've got or should I get Two Turn Tables and a Microphone?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DairyCanary5
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
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Dad's standard response to (anyone) noticing his haircut...

Unsuspecting straight-person stating the obvious: "You've had a haircut!"

Dad: "No, actually, I had several of them cut.

...y'know, it works out cheaper to have them all done at the same time!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cadder
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2013
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I started a band called 999 megabytes.

We still haven't gotten a gig yet.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NonstopSuperguy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
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Dad's standard answer to "How many sugars?" (...would you like in your tea/coffee)

"Fourteen."

<beat>

"...but don't stir it - I don't like it sweet."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cadder
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2013
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Do you know why I want a short girlfriend?

She's low maintenance and doesn't have high standards.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/asthenamesuggests
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
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Why was the Death Star measured in miles?

Because they used Imperial units.

πŸ‘︎ 855
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2018
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Whipped this one out at work

One of my coworkers is a transsexual. He (formerly she) was telling me about some of his struggles.

"I had to go up to the corporate level in order to be able to use the restroom. Some people here were uncomfortable with me using either the mens or women's room when they found out."

"So, what you're telling me is. You had to fight for your right to potty?"

At first he facepalmed and sighed, admittedly I was a little worried I might have offended him... But he did get a chuckle out of it.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2015
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My standard response.

Wife: "I ran into someone_someone at the shops today."

Me: "Did you apologise?"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrokkenFrepz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2013
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My dad tends to stare (as they do) when I ask him what he's looking at he has two standard responses:

"Puzzle with a nose in it" or "I dunno, the label fell off"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2013
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In honour of mother's day, I'm going to tell yo mama jokes

Because she's a sweet lady with a great sense of humour.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/extraflux
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2018
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I had just bought my first car and decided to take my dad out for a ride...

It was a used and fairly old car, so it was a little smelly...

Dad: So how many horse power does this car have?

Me: About 250, why?

Dad: I think one of them died.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2014
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I tried too hard.

An art critic was judging paintings at an event.

The first one was a bland painting of the earth. not too bad, but nothing out of this world.

The second one was a blank painting. Why they even turned it it, don’t ask.

The third one though. The third one was a beautifully crafted painting of a sheep.

The art critic turned to the artist. All they had to say was, β€œWow, I am wooly astonished. The shear amount of detail of this art ewe made, which definitely lambs you into first place. This might be way pasture standards, but too baaad, don’t be sheepish. This piece definitely separates the sheep from the goats, it will definitely farm you some moo-lah.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PorpoleyPolarBear
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
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I have a simple standard for dadjoke quality: the joke should not simply be a lame, obvious pun that anyone could think of. So I checked to see if this sub's top ten jokes met this standard.

But no pun in ten did

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HAL9000000
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2017
🚨︎ report
Who enforces cheese standards in Mexico?

The Cheddarales (ched-er-AHL-ays).

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/molotok_c_518
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2016
🚨︎ report

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