My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.

I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

πŸ‘︎ 524
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?

Michael Gourdan

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ironicplatypus84
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I just went to a jail poetry slam...

...it was called Prose and Cons.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lytical
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm a bus driver who's a part-time magician and my most popular trick is when I slam on the breaks

People fall over for it.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ninthpower
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Got her with a double slam!
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I hate slam poetry...

I can’t stanza way they speak.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/changhaobyu
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I apologized to a door after accidentally letting it slam. I could've handled it better.
πŸ‘︎ 111
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ARTexplains
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2016
🚨︎ report
When you go in, don’t slam The Doors.
πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2018
🚨︎ report
Don't slam The Doors
πŸ‘︎ 518
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WillGank4Chimes
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2016
🚨︎ report
The poet said something offensive at yesterday's poetry slam.

I snapped.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/numbgum
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
🚨︎ report
I handcraft these books for your Perfect Shot, so you can have a truly Grand Slam
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Miskatonica
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2017
🚨︎ report
I had the best Grand Slam breakfast I've ever had at a Denny's this morning.

They really knocked it out of the park.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mrthatsthat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Poetry Slam
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zgold2192
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2016
🚨︎ report
A friend got me with this one she made up today: "What did Popeye say at the end of the poetry slam?"

"I'VE HAD ALL I CAN STANZA AND CAN'T STANZA NO MORE!"

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/strangefool
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2015
🚨︎ report
My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...

"Who was that?" asked my wife.

"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.

"Did you help him?" she asked.

"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"

"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"

She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes."

"Do you still need a push?"

"Yes please."

"Where are you?"

"Over here...on the swing."

πŸ‘︎ 70
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
My son did not watch were he was going and slammed faced down on hard surface

It was his own asphalt

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PLUMBUM2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My server slammed a glass of water down, tossed a spoon with a knife on the table and stomped off back to the kitchen. I pondered about their attitude for a moment and then it hit me...

They just didn't give a fork...

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
After a heated argument, my kid shouted β€œJim Morrison was overrated”

Me: What did I say about slamming The Doors?

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/catmom81519
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

Bump…

Bump…

Bump…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home. The casket still bouncing quickly behind him.

Faster…

Faster…

FASTER…

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

He runs up to his door, fumbles with the keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.

Rushing up the stairs to his bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. His head is reeling. His breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup as the casket!

And…

The coffin stops….

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ParadoxXSchock
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife got mad at me for have sexual affairs with inanimate objects

I told her it was one night stand...

πŸ‘︎ 133
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
My son was trash talking Jim Morrison, so I sent him to his room.

Nobody slams the Doors in my house

πŸ‘︎ 74
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ciceromilton
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
As a single dad money can be tight. But even when I’m on a date and I know I’m not attracted to her, I still like to get the door for her and let her walk through. It makes her feel appreciated.

And it makes it easier to slam the door and run so I don’t have to pay for dinner.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/skullchin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
A priest in a big church in Paris has a job interview with a new bell ringer. The priest asks β€œwhy should I hire you?” The applicant responded β€œI have a special talent!”

β€œOh, and what is this special talent?” Asked the priest.

The applicant walked up to the bells and slammed his face into the bell.

At first the priest was taken aback, but the sound from the bells was heavenly!

β€œYou’re hired!!” He exclaimed.

The applicant jumped around in excitement and slipped, falling off the side of the belfry to the ground below.

The priest ran downstairs and outside to the sidewalk where the bell ringer lay dead.

A bystander asked β€œwho is he?”

The priest responded β€œI don’t know his name, but his face sure rings a bell!”

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
The World Health Organization has determined that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. All dogs being held in quarantine will be released.

To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tregratinator
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife thinks she's funny by putting Frozen yogurt in the freezer for my home packed lunches.
πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dye590
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I made a clone of Patrick Stewart but something went terribly wrong.

The clone slammed me into a wall and lifted me by the neck. What could I do? I’d been hoisted by my own Picard.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tigger3370
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lone-wolf124775
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My Dad comes into my room looking really worried, I ask him what was wrong and if there was anything I could do to help, He responds by saying "I lost the book which had all the photos and message from my friends"

Knowing a slam book could not be replaced I tried consoling him, but I remembered digitalized it for him a year ago I quickly logged on to the PC to check if I had a backup. He quickly smiled and said it had a Blue cover, after about 10mins of searching I asked him if he remembered what I named the book. He burst out and said Facebook.

Frustrated I left the room to find my entire family sitting in the hall, and my mother goes "He did it to you too, didn't he"

And I'm here perplexed by the lengths a dad would go for his jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ancil5199
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
After slamming on my brakes to move a turtle from the road to a nearby body of water I turned to my wife...

... And said 'Honey, he will be e-turtle-y grateful.'

This is a true story, happened today.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AzarVC
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2017
🚨︎ report
When is a door not a door?

When I take it off the hinges and turn it into my new workbench because you won't stop slamming it, young man!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AlwaysTheNoob
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the man yell to the dogs playing poker when he slammed down 24 cards on the table?

YOU CURS

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CaptMcButternut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2017
🚨︎ report
This morning, I slipped on some ice and slammed my leg into my truck.

I think I have a concuss-shin.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kehian
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2017
🚨︎ report
My mom teased my dad, he didn't get a sandwhich after his reply.

My mom teased my dad by calling him gay. This is how my Dad retaliated.

Dad: your ex boyfriend was hot .

Mom: which one?

Dad: Me

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IAEInferno
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call literature about wrestling?

Body slam poetry

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sexypinochet
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I met a deaf gynecologist today..

Apparently, he reads lips.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/malagrond
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2016
🚨︎ report
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

β€œYou rotten bastard," says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!”

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bot_10
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Set my friend up then slammed him down

My friend got a new car and we were riding in it.

Me "what year is it?"

Him "2005"

Me "oh that's weird, I thought it was 2014"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ComeAtMeFro
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2014
🚨︎ report
What do former NBA players do after they die?

They play casketball

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bill_Slaimbeer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
🚨︎ report
It seems like there's a dairy thief in my area

People keep knocking on my door asking if I've found cheeses.

I just slam the door in their faces. I guess I'm a little lactose intolerant.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ElZoof
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife said that if I don't get off the computer she'll slam my head on the keyboard...

...but I think she's jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn

πŸ‘︎ 431
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MacItaly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me she's slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer !

Don't worry guys, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

πŸ‘︎ 72
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My son tried to convince me that Jim Morrison was just an overrated drunk, so I angrily sent him to his room...

Nobody slams the Doors in my house!!

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance!" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes." comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here, on the swing."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2018
🚨︎ report
My son told me that Jim Morrison was over-rated

so I sent him to his room because nobody slams the Doors in my house!!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RusticRock
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
🚨︎ report
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night

When behind him he hears:

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER

FASTER

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, and slams it shut and locks it behind him.

However, the casket crashes through the door, with the lid of the casket clacking

Clapity-BUMP...

Clapity-BUMP...

Clapity-BUMP...

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs in the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him

A man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the bottle of cough syrup at the casket and...

The coffin stops.

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Energylegs23
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2018
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.