I bought a new-build house!

When I walked in the place was great, everything was perfect apart from the kitchen. There were gas mains but no cooker! Work surfaces and water pipes, but no sink; empty plugs and spaces for where the fridge and freezer should sit.

When I bought the house I was told it was fully furnished! Furious, I called up intending to give whomever answered an earful.

I was told that everything should be arriving individually, and the house is being used as an experiment for completely autonomous, self thinking kitchen appliances!

Before I could reply there was a knock on the door. I opened it and a stove strolled in, tilted forward in a bow, slid past me and set itself into its spot! Even attaching itself to the gas mains!

Later that day another knock at the door signalled the arrival of the fridge and freezer.(who had travelled together) They bowed and sat themselves perfectly in place in my new kitchen. I was beaming!

That evening I was explaining to my wife how the appliances had arrived, when came another knock at the door. β€œThis technology is going to change the world, I swear it!” I told her. β€œCan you answer the door? I’ve been on my feet all day”

β€œYeah,” she replied, less enthusiastic than I,β€œbut it’ll get to a point when humans are completely inferior.” She explained β€œWhen these machines develop such sentience, what’s stopping them from overthrowing us?” β€œTreating us as slaves, like we to them now?” She asked, distraught at theses ideas.

Knock knock

β€œIt’s best not to worry about these things,” I said in an attempt to alleviate her fears.

β€œThere are people- professionals developing contingencies for any possible future robot uprising!” β€œThat future you’re frightened about is purely science fiction right now, and the way our collective knowledge and application of technology has advanced, (Even in the past 50 years!) our own scientists and engineers will be able to crush any worries we may have when the time comes.” I explained.

She sighed, agreeing somewhat reluctantly. β€œDon’t think on it now, have some faith!” I told her.

Knock knock

β€œNow let that sink in!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/olemonheado
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
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I'd steer clear of dating a dyslexic bus driver.

Sure, they may take you places, but there'll be mixed signals along the way.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
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How did Palpatine talk to Kylo Ren before episode 9?

Snoke Signals

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhilTheGerbil
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
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Do you know what makes me cross?

When the signal changes to a man walking.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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My girlfriend just called me up and told me that we were breaking up.

I went outside and the signal improved.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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Why doesn't Batman use his cellphone?

Because he's always got a bat signal!

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/metroidfan220
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
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An Ant is lying in its death bed in North Korea.

He calls his son and says he wanted to tell him something for a long time.

Son Ant : What is it dad?

Father Ant : I cannot say that in this god forbidden country we have to move immediately to France or Italy before i am dead.

Confused,the Son Ant made arrangements to move to France.They boarded a spy ship which took them to south Korea.From there they boarded a flight to France.With great difficulty they finally reached France.The father ant's health became worse.The son ant was thinking what was so important that they had to move to another country, So when they settled in their new home he finally asked..

Son Ant : Dad, We are in France now you can tell whatever you were going to tell me. The Father could not speak up so he signaled his son to come closer.The son did.

Father Ant: Son, We are now Europeants.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoOne77492
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
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My students are catching on...

Today I took a class out onto the oval to investigate the strength of radio signals in different situations. For one, we wrapped a radio in foil and as I was unwrapping it a student commented that they hoped there was food inside.

I finished opening it and said 'oh man, it's a radio - mum must really hate me' to which another student replied 'I know, it's not even a ham radio...'

Was so proud!

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/D-Nizzle
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2014
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I had a girl check me out yesterday!

She was hot but I didn't catch her signal until it was too late when she handed me my receipt and said "Have a nice day".

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NairodI
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
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My girlfriend managed to dadjoke me

We were Skyping, and I was trying to figure out the delay between the audio and the video. I said "ping", as I often do when this issue occurs, and she replies "ping" back to signal when she heard me. Sometimes, when she doesn't do it the first time, it gets confusing and I don't know which one she is responding to.

So I switched my word to "taco" in the hopes that it'd break the cycle. No go. She goofed it again.

When I said "I give up", she said "Wait! Let's taco 'bout this."

I love that girl.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phonyhomeless
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2014
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We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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I rear ended a dwarf in a mini...

He hopped out, waddled over, and signalled me to wind down my window.

As the window came down, red in the face he yelled β€œI AM NOT HAPPY!”

To which I replied, β€œWell which one are you then?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Seshimus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
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Why didn't the chicken cross the road?

He couldn't get a signal on his phone and GPS wouldn't work to tell him how to get there.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
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An ancient Babylonian general was involved in a plot to overthrow the king...

An ancient Babylonian general was involved in a plot to overthrow the king. But, the plot was uncovered, and the king threw him in jail.

The general managed to escape and he fled to a ziggurat several kilometers away to meet his followers. Unfortunately, the ziggurat was one of several in the area, and he wasn't sure his men would find the right one. So, the fugitive general lit a small fire to signal them.

The other generals of the king's army saw the smoke coming from the ziggurat, and they rushed over and killed him.

The moral of the story?

The searching general has determined that smoking ziggurats can be extremely hazardous to your stealth.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notyourreality
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2018
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Important safety warning!

An ancient Babylonian general was once involved in a plot to overthrow the king. His plot included a number of followers in the upper ranks of the army. However, his plot was uncovered, and the king threw him in jail. The king sentenced him to death without a trial.

However, from the jail he was able to secretly contact his followers to arrange to escape, meet his followers, and attack the king's palace at night. So the night before his scheduled execution, the general managed to escape from prison. He fled to a ziggurat several kilometers away, where his followers would meet him. However, the ziggurat was one of several in the area, and he wasn't sure if his cohorts would find the right ziggurat. By this time it was twilight, so he lit a small fire and sent smoke signals to indicate in which structure he was hiding.

However, the king's loyal soldiers saw the smoke coming from the ziggurat, and came to arrest him before he could meet his followers. He was executed later that day.

The moral of the story? WARNING: The searching general has determined that smoking ziggurats can be extremely hazardous to your stealth.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LinkBrokeMyPots
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2018
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Why did the poop cut off the fart?

He forgot to use his turd signal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/imconservative
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2018
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I once tried to date a girl who was deaf and dyslexic

But she was always sending mixed signals

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YoureAMuenster
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2017
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My smart aleck 16 year old son got me with this one the other night

Driving home from his football game and I change lanes without signaling

Him: Hey you didn't use your turn signal, you could've killed us!

Me: But I didn't, and that's what counts...

Him: No, it's the thought that counts, and I thought you were gonna' kill us

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jrafferty
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2017
🚨︎ report
When your dad misses no opportunity for a joke

So, my dad could be considered a regular jokester. He had his dad jokes, his dirty jokes, clean but provocative joke, setup jokes, everything. He never missed a chance to turn something into a joke for hinself, even, and perpahs especially, if it only amused himself. I found out at an young age that no situation is too serious for him.

I was around 9 years old and I was in the cub scouts, and it was box car derby season. I was in the dining room, carving away at my block of wood when the blade in my right hand skipped the wood and carved my left thumb. It fucking hurt and bled like a sonofabitch. I immediately starting screaming and my dad raced into the room and found me covered in blood, my left hand now with two thumbs. We get it wrapped and he drives me to the emergency room. By the time we got there the bleeding had stopped and I have stopped crying. As we pull up, my dad looks st me, shakes his head and says "We can't go in there like this, we'll end up waiting forever to see a doctor. You need to cry once we're in there and that'll help" I said ok, and he said as we were walking up, "I'll give you a signal to start crying." How will i know, i asked him snd he just said i'll know. We go inside and walk up to the admittance desk. I'm short, so at the time my head just cleared the desk. My dad tells the nurse that we have a cut, and need to see a doctor right away. The nurse pushes paperwork at him and he tells her again, this time that its a real bad cut. The nurse finally looks at me for the first time and she frowns, because im relatively normal looking, even though im hurting and nervous, waiting for my dads signal. My dad pulls me back a bit and her eyes widen really big when she sees all the dried blood caked on the lower left side of my body. She starts getting excited and says "Ohmygoshohmygosh" over and over and this point im starting to get scared when my Dad, in a serious voice says "Its even worse than it looks! You're going to have to take the whole hand!"

Then I start crying.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBossOfWhat
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2017
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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Making Memes at 81

Every time my 81-year-old dad loses his satellite radio signal in his car, he waves his fist in the air and shouts "PUTIN STRIKES!"

I showed him the picture of Rootin Tootin Putin and now he wants it on a t-shirt with that assertion as a caption.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BayouRoux
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2016
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In honor of my recently deceased high school English teacher

This was one of her favorite jokes she loved to tell: One day, a man was walking home after a long day at work. As he waited for a crosswalk signal, he glanced back and noticed a coffin standing down the block. "Odd," he thought, but he ignored it and continued home. He turned the corner and managed to catch a glimpse of the coffin again. This time is was closer to him... like it was following him. He picked up his pace and ran into his apartment complex. The coffin was right behind him. In a fright, he dashed up the stairs to his place, locked the door and barricaded himself in the bathroom. Thud, thud, thud! The coffin was banging on the bathroom door. The man frantically looked for something to defend himself. Just as the coffin busted through the door, the man grabbed some cough syrup from the medicine cabinet, threw it at the coffin ... and the coffin stopped.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/biseriousjohn
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2013
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Got my gf to laugh at this one

My girlfriend was having trouble updating the soundcard driver on her computer, and no matter how long she waited the update made no progress.

GF: I'm so frustrated with this driver.

Me: Did he not signal?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pilaco
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2015
🚨︎ report
My buddy got me on my lunch break the other day.

I work in a funeral home. Today I was having a conversation with my friend and the call failed. I called him back.

"Yea it said call failed, where are you that you have such bad signal?"

"Are you kidding? I'm home- I have great signal! You're the one with the poor reception! Where are you?"

"The funeral home."

"Exactly! That place is a DEAD zone."

groan

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clever_username-
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2014
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Crossing the street with my padre

We get to the crosswalk and the signal says "Wait."

My dad says 215 pounds and walks across.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BaltimoreBirdGuy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2014
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Step Mom to my brother: "Have you seen Captain Phillips?"

Dad:Signaling a certain height "Yeah, he's about this tall."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/michaelbublik
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2014
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Do you know what makes me cross?

When the signal changes to a man walking.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clbull
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2018
🚨︎ report

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