I hope I'm the first to say this about the next US presidential election. Last election left plenty of people mad, but we won't have any near sighted politicians next time, because whoever runs in 2020 will have a clear vision of the future.

Because 20/20 vision means you have perfectly good sight.

Pun on a pun: I wonder if RealClearPolitics.com will catch on.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Diehardpuns
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Furiously honks car horn in the middle of no where without a car in sight.

Kids: looks up from their phones, β€œwhy did you do that for?”

Dad: β€œto scare away the elephants!”

Kids: β€œwhat elephants?!!”

Dad: β€œsee it’s working!”

β€”β€”

Thank you! Thank you very much!

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crewthsr
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the really short sighted circumcisionist ?

He got the sack.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A vulture was boarding a plane and he brought with him a dead racoon. The flight attendant, mortified by the sight and stench, pointed at the carcass and asked "Sir why did you bring a dead racoon with you."

The vulture said. "Oh this? This is my carrion luggage."

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fearless-Gas
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I've lost 20% of my sight

Sigh

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jian-_-Hong
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Im near sighted and tone deaf

I can’t C sharp, but I am the dad of A minor, That boy is nothing but treble.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zeffer90
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the near sighted construction worker who lost his glasses?

He really fell into his work.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lvrcerosis
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why didn’t the Lifeguard save the hippie?

He was far out man!

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/devinh313
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
My son told me, β€œDad, I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, and now it burns.”

I said, β€œThat’s Heinz sight for you.”

πŸ‘︎ 454
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
There are many wonderful moments and beautiful sights when raising a child.

But the sight of your daughter stealing the last piece of chicken is truly breast taking.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad Jokes

WHAT DO A NEAR SIGHTED GYNECOLOGIST AND A DOG HAVE IN COMMON?

A wet nose

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/steve-1234
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Why was the near sighted dolphin so sad?

He couldn’t see a porpoise ahead of him.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lvrcerosis
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy goes for a drive and his car stalls...

...right in front of a house where there’s a huge party going on. He walks in and notices that the party is somewhat divided. There’s a clear distinction between the people waiting for the bathroom and the people queued up for drinks, etc.

Considering the urgency of the bathroom queue, he walks over to the drinks table and asks everyone there if they wouldn’t mind helping him push his car to get it started. They agree but even with the full might of several people, the car doesn’t budge. He thanks them for trying and they all head back inside.

A little while later, the doorbell rings. The man sees the host open the door to the largest pizza guy he’s ever seen. The behemoth is holding 15 pizzas with one hand, a pallet of buffalo wings with the other, with a keg strapped to each shoulder. The man jumps up and asks the pizza guy for his help pushing the car. He agrees and they head to the street.

With barely one touch of a pinky on one hand, the car lurches forward and starts right up. The man drives off, waving behind him and yelling a quick, β€œThank you.”

As he catches sight of the party fading into the distance, he says to himself...

β€œThank goodness for the delivery because that punch line sure is weak.”

πŸ‘︎ 997
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/silashoulder
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My boyfriend told me as I walked in β€œhey don’t be alarmed but the toilet is smoking”. Concerned, I walked into the bathroom and found this:
πŸ‘︎ 78
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/slebsta
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
We need help naming some murderous cats.

We recently discovered mice in our pantry. Everyone’s advice? Get a cat. Apparently they are stone cold killers.

We made some calls and learned from our vet that they had two cats that need to be rehomed. I agreed to take them sight unseen. I think it’s a boy and girl but I don’t actually know. We pick them up next week.

We want to instill the right spirit into our mercenaries by naming them after famous murderers, but want to lighten the mood with puns.

So far we have come up with Jeffrey Paw-er but we are certain our Reddit friends can do better. We need male and female options. I understand one cat is black and the other is a brown mix.

We need help coming up with names, anyone up for the challenge??

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sveil96
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.

In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
As we continue to deal with the mask wearing, social distancing and uncertainty through the coming weeks, we can’t lose sight of how important it is to continue taking these precautions.

As much as it sucks, it’s better to be safe than SARS-y

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hashsmasher
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I think my wife is leaving me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.

Oh well, hind sight is 1.

πŸ‘︎ 253
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
On the eve of a record breaking cold winter night, a wife notices her husband run to the backyard with a bucket in his hand.

She grabs a cup of hot cocoa and watches through the window as he fills the bucket up with water and races from the back of the house all the way out to the front yard and out of sight. She bundles up and goes outside to get a closer look and sees that he’s cleared the snow from the sidewalk. She watches as he takes his bucket of water and pours it out on the cold concrete. She’s puzzled for a second and then says:

Icy, what you did there.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NotMetheThree
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do computers wear glasses?

To improve their web-sight

πŸ‘︎ 109
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Connor0388
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a short sighted Cowboy?

Squint Eastwood

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/timmygun
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Glove at first sight.
πŸ‘︎ 382
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2018
🚨︎ report
We have such sights to show you!
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/loqafro
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2019
🚨︎ report
When fencing, my friend acted like he collapsed unconscious from fright upon sight of his opponent's epee...

He feinted.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between us, something smells!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheIndrajitKar
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
🚨︎ report
See what they did there
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NicholasP993
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy

I told him he was "sight-heeheeing"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/litty_kitty73
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I just spilt baked beans everywhere.

In Heinz-sight, that was a bad idea

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Salt_E_Plum
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed

Everybody.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KoronaSenpai
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend was born without her little toe and the sight of her foot makes me physically ill.

My therapist said I'm lack toes intolerant.

πŸ‘︎ 269
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
🚨︎ report
I decided to rub ketchup in my eyes

In Heinz sight it wasn’t a good idea

πŸ‘︎ 141
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LarryLones
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I had to walk 50 miles to get to my home. There, I saw a welcoming sight.

It was the mat on my front stoop.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I’ve got a rare sight disorder from watching Mary Poppins too many times... it called umdiddleyumdiddleyumdiddley eye.
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I used to be blind but I cured it. My wife was the first person I saw

It was love at first sight.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/M0202
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the day Bobby Fischer and Garry Kasparov were sighted at a hotel lobby, bragging about their talents? They were...

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/norrisrw
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
🚨︎ report
A blind guy goes into the closing store, grabs his dog by the tail and begins to spin. A worker shocked by the sight asked "sir may i help you please". The guy smiles and says.
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyosk
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
🚨︎ report
The Monk and The Cow

A monk sits at the peak of a hill that overlooks where the grassy Earth meets a river, the river flows with a breeze, and the breeze explores a mountain range, and the mountains neighbor the sky, and the sky conceals the entire universe, hiding the unknown in plain sight. The monk exhales "Ooooomm". He repeats this until a noise, very faint, breaks his chant.

"moo."

The monk stops for a moment but, without changing his position, dismisses it. "Ooooooommm." He begins again.

He's interrupted again, "moooo."

The monk turns to find a cow looking up at him from the bottom of the hill. "Kind cow," the monk says, "please do not interrupt my meditation."

The cow stares blankly back at the monk. The monk sighs and continues.

"Oooooommmm-"

Even louder, "Mmmooooooooo."

"Dear cow, I must reach enlightenment. Please, refrain from making your cow noises or find another hill."

The monk continues again, "Oooooooommmm-"

"MMMmmoooooooooooO!" The cow exclaims.

The monk stands up angrily, "Cow! Why must you interrupt my chanting?"

The cow replies, "Because you're saying it backwards!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/baconbuddy95
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Sadly, I've lost 20% of my sight …

… sigh

πŸ‘︎ 93
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Sadly, I've lost 20% of my sight.

Sigh...

πŸ‘︎ 176
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aRVAthrowaway
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Sadly, I've lost 20% of my sight

Sigh.....

πŸ‘︎ 223
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Sadly, I've lost 20% of my sight

Sigh...

πŸ‘︎ 89
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/x_amxxn_x
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Sadly, I've lost 20% my sight.

Sigh.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/caffeine_bos
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the near-sighted aliens who showed up on Earth?

They were looking for first contacts.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What happens to an egg every time you look at it?

It becomes egg sighted

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hamadaeleleimy
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Near-sighted people have a hard time dating.

Cause they’re always trying to see other people. 🧐🧐🧐 Daddin it up, Dad

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the short sighted circumciser?

He got the sack.

πŸ‘︎ 123
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/74CK
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2018
🚨︎ report
I smeared some ketchup all over my eyes once. It was a bad idea in Heinz-sight.
πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/curiouselise
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2018
🚨︎ report

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