An influenzer.
CoVid’19 for short
I asked if she wanted to skip to my favorite part.
Wii.
Half-Life
It’s the gif that keeps on giving
wHo the hEll would beLieve such a thing can hapPen.
“Ba-dumm-Tsss”
... so they can beat the crowds!
Edit: Wow, this is now my second highest upvoted post ever, and it's not even my own joke! Totally should have credited the video I saw this in: https://www.reddit.com/r/PublicFreakout/comments/h8btkp/protester_has_a_joke_for_the_police_officers/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Thanks for the laughs and great comment threads, Reddit :)
I can’t believe I’ve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.
Edit: this joke was straight up stolen from professional comedian Nick Nemeroff. I heard it on the radio so I didn’t have his name handy and thought it was awesome for this sub and had to post it before I forgot it. Thanks to Nick for commenting here below so that I could give him credit.
Fireball is bad diplomacy, it just inflames the situation.
Just one example from my second ever video, 50 D&D puns! I am super new and super small, so every view is valuable to me!
Lol, I was talking with a friend back home about shooting firearms; I said because of my location I cannot shoot so take me some videos of you shooting. He writes a note on his white board that says “shooting videos”. I started laughing when he told me his note said shooting videos. When I explained to him why I was laughing he took a look at the board and said “Wow I’m going to make shooting videos of me shooting”. That was a good one my friend.
“I can't turn that down.”
Me: I played video games
Interviewer: Why were you terminated?
Me: I played video games.
When do we want it
Neeeooooooow
Video game characters have lives
A few years ago, we started a show that I quite frankly never thought would work.
Nearly four years later, including two sold out appearances at San Francisco Sketchfest and a local TV featurette, our show "Capitol PUNishment" is now streaming on Twitch Friday night at 8:30pm PST.
I hope it's ok to post this in here. If not, feel free to remove with no hard feelings. Just encouraging pun lovers to check out what is best described as "a fast-paced, in-the-moment spectacle that combines everything you love about gameshows, rap-battles, and "dad" jokes, into a unique and hilarious competitive format."
Our channel is twitch.tv/capitolpuns
Here's a little video to help paint the picture: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2RE9PgmfXo
Hi! Not sure if it's allowed here, but my kids and I made a fun dad joke video about being home during this pandemic. Enjoy (if it makes it through)!
She was watching our wedding video again.
It was just an unboxing video
I said maybe
Please note this contains sweari g but has the longest and best build up to a dad joke
Enjoy https://www.twitch.tv/videos/539694198
'Punnit' is hosted by myself and played over three rounds. The first two rounds consist of one category (say, Musical Genres & Ailments), with each contestant going in turn and giving their best 5 entries. Such as, HIVy Metal, Honky Tonksillitis, Indiegestion etc.
These two categories are known about a week or so prior so everyone can bring their best (or worst, depending on how you look at it) but the third round is entirely on the spot, with the entrants shouting out whatever they can think of for a category. One of the recent being American Presidents & American States, with OklaBama winning that one.
It's all very much in the early stages but I would appreciate both feedback on the format and people getting in touch if they wanna duke it out.
Here are the episodes: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKJOzYgG9MW7CQHAZQahiqw/videos
Follow us too @thepunpodcast
He said, "I want a gaming mouse, dad."
"That might be tricky," I told him.
"Why?" he asked.
I said, "Well, I'm not sure rodents like video games."
He followed the enchanting voice till he came upon a singing yellowfin tuna. He knew he had found something incredible. He caught the fish, kept it alive and returned home.
He showed his friends and posted videos on tik tok, and the singing fish went viral. It could sing almost anything, but Pavarotti was it's favorite.
The fisherman toured around the world with the fish and set up a website to sell merch. The clothing he made sold like crazy, so he ordered thousands of short sleeve shirts to be made in advance.
Unfortunately, the fish died, and the public lost interest. The fisherman was left with endless opera tuna tees.
RETIRED HUSBAND
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
-
June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
-
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
-
July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
-
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
-
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
-
August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
-
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
-
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
-
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
-
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
-
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
-
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
-
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
-
October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
- Took a bo
This is an audible joke so just typing the name here won't be funny.
Aware wolf (a werewolf)
I got the joke from this video at around 35 min
What do you call it when you watch scary videos on YouTube?
Bootube.
What do you call a Chinese man with a video camera? Phil Ming"
He wemt to his mum, who was doing work, and asked, "mum, whats the first letter of the alphabet?"
Mum: Shut up and go away!
Kid goes to his dad, who just got a perfect score in darts, and says: Dad, whats the second letter of the alphabet?
Dad: 180!!
Walks to older brother who was playing batman video games: whats the third letter of the alphabet?
Brother: na na na na na na na na BATMAN!
Walks up to younger brother playing with toys: whats the 4th letter of the alphabet?
Brother: driving my little red car.
Kid rolls up to school, ready to recite the first 4 letters of the alphabet.
Teacher: whats the first letter?
Kid: Shut up and go away!!
Teacher: HOW MANY HOURS OF DETENTION DO YOU WANT
Kid: 180!!
Teacher: WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
Kid: na na na na na na na na BATMAN
Teacher: HOW DO YKU THINK YOULL GET AWAY WITH THIS?!?
Kid: Driving my little red car
I left it beside the shed in the alley. The next morning it was soaked, and super deep with water. I would have just poured it out, but I'm in an apartment and the landlord would get mad; no good place to pour it out. So my buddy gave me this instructional video, and it really helped out. My wagon's dry as a steel owl now thanks to this video. I highly recommend it. It's called "How to Drain Your Wagon".
He was absolutely right. The video was only 5 seconds long.
Saw this on the comments of gioflims most recent r/entitledparents video
It had the subreddits name so I'm posting it on here
A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...
He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"
The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.
"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."
Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.
Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.
One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"
The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success.
... keep reading on reddit ➡For more jokes, please check out this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R9vyikZJ58I
She said she should have made a video and had blue purse at the end.
Her: Ok. Let me take out the wedding video.
Some of them were pretty strange: only he could understand them and explaining the 'pun' to somebody else would take like half an hour. Anyway-
He said, "So I'll go first?"
I said sure.
I think he took "pun-a-thon" a bit too literally - he took out a marker and drew a point, and then he kept drawing this straight line (he's good at drawing straight lines) while taking how many ever steps back. I for one was concerned, because first off I didn't know how long I'd have to stick around for this, and second of all, I didn't know if I could clean the mess he'd inevitably leave behind.
He kept drawing this line! We stepped out of my living room, then my apartment which was on ground-level, and he kept drawing it. He drew his line all the way through the corridor, up until the entrance to the building, and when I kept asking him if he's done yet, he didn't say a word. I had to keep subtly reassuring security and everyone who was staring at my friend hunched over like that robot from Wall-E.
He stepped out of the building and kept on drawing his line. At this point I was trying to guess what the hell is the outcome. I kept screaming punchlines at him like "is this where you draw the line?", "are you going to punch me after this so this is a punchline?" and shit like that. There were people following us and two were taking videos and it was really fucking uncomfortable.
Right after he was outside the building and the premises, he started to draw this stunning drawing of the building right on the pavement. It was almost magical, as if he had been commissioned to make an ad for my place but for a million bucks. At this point the people who were following us didn't even get pissed off because they were so engrossed in his drawing. I was surprised the marker kept going on.
After about 20 minutes - he was a real quick draw (no pun intended) - he stood up and a crowd of two dozen clapped and cheered for him.
I told him, "Dude that looks fucking amazing, but I thought we were in a pun-a-thon. Why such a long set-up?"
He replied, "Yeah it was pretty drawn out."
(for more drawn-out jokes like this, visit r/feghoot!)
Everytime you finish a video game, it's an end(game) spoiler...
I'm making a video game involving snakes and I'd like a random snake pun/joke to appear on each loading screen. Help Plz! I'll credit r/puns in the game.
(Background: “Sans” is the name of a character in a video game.)
me: If Sans were playing D’n’D and rolled a critical hit, would that be a “sans-crit”?
child: Please don’t talk to me.
12 year old’s fishing on a video game. I asked if he was fishing for something specific. He said no. I said “So you’re just fishing for the halibut?”
He just shook his head sadly. Kid doesn’t know what he’s missing. I’m freaking hilarious!
Follow up: I told him I was heartbroken that he didn’t like my joke. He said it was too cheesy. I said it may be fishy but it certainly wasn’t cheesy.
Sometimes it’s mom that has the best dad joke.
… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes
[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]
Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:
January:
-
Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes
-
Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes
-
An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes
February:
-
Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes
-
My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes
-
When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes
March:
-
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes
-
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.
-
[When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da
Cause you're shredding me!
(Context: I came up with this while I was playing a video game and my team was getting its ass kicked, so this would really be the only kind of scenario one could use this pun in)
So I had a productive day at work coming up with these Capital City puns a year ago today. Thought they were too good not to share!
Why did the Geordie arrange a holiday to Romania?
To book a rest!
Bob Mortimer was speaking to his comedy partner's wife saying he wanted to take him on a piss up to Iceland. When asked why he said:
I want to wreck ya vic!
Why should you never let a man go swimming in Finland with weights on his ankles?
Coz He'll sinky
What do people most commonly use toilet paper for in Bandar Seri Begawan?
Their Brunei
Catwoman bet her male counterpart he couldn't pronouce the capitol of Nepal. But cat man do.
Why was the Polish man rubbing his bollocks? Coz they warsaw.
I just came up with a cracking pun for Japan. Alas, all the wife could say was "What Tokyo so long?"
The ex Mrs McCartney got naked in East Germany in the 80s. She was known for years in the area as Bare-lin
Cheap flights to Russia still available! Book now! Everything Moscow!
The people of Bahamas think learning Capitol cities is Nassau important
The people of the Netherlands had a need to build a water driven power station as well as an overabundance of pork products. So they used 'Ams to Dam a river.
A husband and wife in the Phillipines were both very, very unwell. The woman was sick, but the man iller.
What's the average Senegalian's favoured mode of transport? Da car
Have you heard about the talking cat in Somalia that only throws insults? The Moggy Diss you
They are obsessed with John Cleese in Uruguay. They love a video of Fawlty towers almost as much as they love a Montevideo
People from Vietnam Hanoi the hell outta me
Rain storms are very rare in Zambia, but in Zimbabwe they Harera
Before you do a joke about Macedonia, let me Skopje right there
I've heard Swedish Ikea workers get stuff for free, they can just take Stockholm
If you are trying to eat Halal in Pakistan, Islamabad or good choice?
We were Skyping, and I was trying to figure out the delay between the audio and the video. I said "ping", as I often do when this issue occurs, and she replies "ping" back to signal when she heard me. Sometimes, when she doesn't do it the first time, it gets confusing and I don't know which one she is responding to.
So I switched my word to "taco" in the hopes that it'd break the cycle. No go. She goofed it again.
When I said "I give up", she said "Wait! Let's taco 'bout this."
I love that girl.
So we were having a big family video call last night, since we're all on different continents, and my aunt was introducing us to her new boyfriend, Bill.
> Cousin: So when is Bill gonna come visit us, so we can meet him in person? > > Aunt: Oh, I don't know, Bill doesn't really fly (he's afraid of flying) > > Dad: He doesn't have to, the plane does. > > Long distance family groan
Because they lactose
(I heard this on a video not mine)
It's very time consuming.
Shamelessly taken from a Game Theory video
So my 5 year old son always asks what I’m watching or playing (video games) and most of the time sits and watches for a while.
I had been binge watching The Office, so of course he would overhear most of the jokes. One day we were over our friends house who has a daughter my sons age. We sit down to eat some burgers and hot dogs, and out of nowhere my son belts out “DON’T DROP THE SOAP!”.
We all died laughing.
He shall be a good dad someday.
I said: You watching a video on how to make Meeso happy? We both Ha! at the same time.
So I used to play a lot of video games with my Dad (goldeneye mostly) and if he would ever have to step away it'd usually go like this:
Dad: Put the game on dog's feet.
Me: look of confusion
Dad: Paws (Pause)
Hey guys, I am working on a video project for AP Calc and am doing the bee move, but everytime they say bee a formula is introduced, then the next time an example. We are writing the formulas on yellow paper and writing in black sharpies because black amd yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow, ahh yellow and black. Anyqay, I need space fillers on the sheets of paper, so bee puns! I need a bunch, so do your thing!
We are also dressing up in bee costumes to take pictures of the formulas amd photoshopping our teachers face onto Barry Bee Benson
does that mean 1 enjoys it?
EDIT: Ha! I'm glad to see I was right about this joke! It was actually in one of my latest youtube videos and I even referenced /r/dadjokes. Apparently I was spot on!
Here's the link if you want to see it: http://youtu.be/9o0giMlJHMc?t=1m40s
(Warning: it's Call of Duty)
My best friend is leaving for america soon, and I need some cheesy farewell video game puns to put on her gift. It's pokemon related so its better if its something from there, but any other suggestions are welcome
When they answered the door to give him candy, I had him say "MERRY CHRISTMAS!" or "HAPPY NEW YEAR!" and "I'm allergic to candy, do you have any sardines?"
He also stood facing away from the door for some.
He got a lot of laughs, a door slammed in his face and an offer for spicy mustard sardines.
Video: Halloween dad joke: http://youtu.be/Mp3IBlZnfFw (Forgive the vertical. I was trying to be discrete so not to contaminate the proceedings.)
Hi punterific people!
I'm a YouTuber that loves puns and use puns regularly in my videos when I play games. I'm having some new graphics donr for my channel and I want to change my 'saying' to reflect the punny part of... Well.. Me :)
The new art depicts my avatar (Game kNight) weilding a shield and a flail - and I want the saying to reflect something in that regard. I persistently play games to win (as if anyone did otherwise) and don't like failing (like most other gamers?);
Thoughts up until now: Flailure is not an option - for me! (but for the enemies I face is implied) Flailing is an option (because facing me will get you flailed) I will not flail you!
Hope you can help me out!
I was watching this video about how to unlock safe and the first comment made me laugh. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApJQ2wcYjBo
Radio killed the video card
She was busy slicing the watermelon when I mentioned a YouTube video I had seen recently that talks about how you can grill it.
She asked about it and I told her how they basically cooked it like a steak.
"I guess that would make it filet MELON."
Her face got immediately red and she shook her head trying not to laugh.
Don’t know if it’s against the rules but here’s the link. https://www.facebook.com/AllDefDigital/videos/1558974744195385/
I told her that the singer is a weight lifter. The eye roll was accompanied by a smirk.
The music video for the song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=47dtFZ8CFo8
Hi I'm an artist and i want to start a youtube channel with timelapses of my art! Since i mainly draw videogame characters i thought it would be a good idea to have a pun of something about art/drawing/illustration and video games. If anyone has a suggestion I'd love to hear! Thank you!
So recently there's some news of a student taking food from the community fridge that doesn't belong to them. I'm in charge of making a parody of Iggy's Azeala's song "Fancy". I want to make a joke that uses both things.
The best I can come up with is What does your food in the community fridge and the parody video have in common? It's gonna be as cool as if you found your food in the fridge.
I'm sure there's something better.
He said, "I dunno, I guess with their beaks."
I found some other good ones on this video chain of dad jokes on hoop.
https://youtu.be/15JgRNjVM8E
After browsing through some of the past year's posts, I decided to make this video capturing some of the best of what was posted here! All one-liners that translate well do video. Hope you enjoy the recap of the year!
If people like this, I may start making a series of some of the top subs posts as "Reddit for the Lazy" videos, a tl;dr of the top posts, in a single-click video!
For reference: Link to wiki
Some of these are done in a kind of "news headline"-style:
-
Choir leader fired after using too much sexual innuendo; "Lewd Ex Cantor."
-
Video on demand about a street where nothing happens; "Vod of the Boring Alley."
-
Man's brutal cousin turns out to be a great bloke; "Raw-Ted, Great Dude".
-
Panic spreads as toilet facilities take over the world; "Cry! Stall-Age."
-
A man orders a book of basic letters to look after his daughters belongings while he looks after the others; "ABC, Watch Her's!".
-
Sams brother cheats a dude; "Dean Cons the Peep."
-
A ride in the amusement park offers a wide range of emotions; "High! Low! Woo! Nah."
-
A weird and hard to describe new dessert; "Cold Lemon Thing."
-
A new star in stand up rises! Come see "Puntiff Sulyvahn."
-
Pirates start eating fava beans and a new drink is required; "Yo! Ho! The Chianti!."
-
A Long lived man has an unusual apetite for fish; "Old-Rick, Devourer of Cods".
-
In Bacteria-Town, a devastating disease strikes one inhabitant working at a hotel; "Cancer of the Borrelia Valet".
-
Roman god Cubid is ordered to take a woman to cave and kill her; "Drag and Slay Her Amor"
-
Osiris's statue has been in way too many marriages and people have started to call it; "Osiris the Consummated Thing."
-
The choir leader from before is transformed into a mushroom; "Champignon Cantor"
-
An english man becomes the leader of a Polish airplane company and gets nicknamed; "LOT-Rick"
-
An impatient tree person attacks a random mythical hunter; "Antsy Ent! Why Hern?!"
-
Horse named Elvis keeps making noise and a man shouts;"Neigh Less King!"
-
A child opens a chocolate egg and a white spirit jumps out; "Soul of Kinder"
Sorry about the possible typos.
Ive have to to an eggstreme egg drop project and film a video while doing it. We want to make it funny by adding some puns to the video any suggestions?
She is watching our wedding video again.
She is watching our wedding video again.
