A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the check, he pulls out a gun, fires it several times, then walks out the door. If you don't get it look up "panda" in the dictionary ...
"Panda: A large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China; eats shoots and leaves."
Since today Merriam Webster even has the word dad joke:
"a wholesome joke of the type said to be told by fathers with a punchline that is often an obvious or predictable pun or play on words and usually judged to be endearingly corny or unfunny"
Not all pirate jokes are predictable…
A dinosaur predicted his species would be wiped out
Social scientists should have predicted the fall of Communism a lot earlier.
There were plenty of red flags.
No one can predict how successful you'll be as an artist, but if you can draw a beautiful picture of a wave,
My friend, a local fire marshal and an avid practitioner of tasseomancy (tea leaf reading), developed a new method of predicting future fires using ash patterns.
We called him 'The Sootsayer'.
What do you give to the meteorologist who can never predict the rain?
I asked god for a bike, but I know god doesn’t work that way.
So I stole one and asked him for forgiveness
Yesterday my wife and I were leaving a parking spot. There was a black and white car ahead of us.
Wife: It's a cow car!
Me: It's a moooo-tor vehicle!
Wife: polite chuckle
Me: It's udderly fun to drive!
Wife: ...
Me: It has a cattle-lytic converter.
Wife: You can stop any time.
Are you guys aware of the benefits of dried grapes 🍇
We should have been able to predict the fall of the Soviet Union a lot sooner.
There were a lot of red flags.
I have a pen that can write underwater
It can write other words too
The inventor of predictive text died recently.
Mr. Yoghurt and Ms. Penicillin were good friends. They only fought over politics.
He was pro and she was anti biotics.
What do you call a nose that predicts the future?
My wife asked me if I've heard of Quasimodo.
hopefully one day i stand corrected
Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of
Have you heard about the plane designer who was really good at his predictions?
He was Wright on the money.
what does a tree do to get off the internet
Why did Isaac Newton predict the pain pill addiction crisis?
Because a body in Motrin stays in Motrin.
Pronouns are my favorite part of speech.
I guess it’s because they really stand for something.
I use this every time I give this language lesson in my Montessori classroom. It either kills or summons crickets, and there is no way to predict which.
Nostrodamus couldn't predict the future.
But he always had a hunch.
Son. if you get a bladder infection…
Why can’t your nose be twelve inches?
Because then it would be a foot.
What do they call the ability to predict sports 100%?
I was reading up on the predicted reliability of vacuums...
https://imgur.com/gallery/pTcCJkd
It turns out they all suck.
I asked my wife to start embracing her mistakes
What do you call a guy that broke up with a lady names Ruth?
why is Macbeth terrible at battleship?
He's always debating 2B or not 2B?
I quite my job as a fortune teller
I didn't see a future in it
A bunch of mathematicians came up with a model for predicting if people would start dancing when they became intoxicated
They named it the Alcorythm
What do you call fruit that goes in the toilet?
Dingleberries
(My 7 year old made this one up! I'm so proud!)
What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa Claus when rudolf predicted the weather?
Rudolf the red knows rain dear!
My cookie from Panda Express was empty.
I have a pun about paper, but your not gonna like it
I was looking for my “Gone in 60 seconds” movie in my DVR, but I can’t find it
I swear it was here a minute ago
Why shouldn’t you let a chicken be the pitcher in baseball?
Why was Donald and Duffy saved from the approaching boomerang?
At the therapist’s office, I asked my wife, “You are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, won’t you?”
Cool news! They found a dwarf species of axolotl.
Why do you spell dark with a 'k' and not a 'c'
Because you can't see in the dark
Why are nuns so predictable?
Because they're creatures of habit.
What is it about all the Psychics that I ever visit.. they're either totally depressed, or too excitable.
It's really hard to find a happy Medium..
On the way to the therapist, I told my wife, “You are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, aren’t you?”
She said, “Yeah.”
I said, “I knew it!”
I predicted the fall of the Soviet Union.
There were a lot of red flags.
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