I went for an interview. They said, “Can you perform under pressure?”
I said “I’m not sure about that but I can have a good crack at Bohemian Rhapsody”
Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
I went to a theater performance done on a bunch of dictionaries the other day...
All my life I thought Simon and Garfunkel never performed a song about a boxer.
But it turned out to be a lie-la-lie, lie-la-lie-la-lie-la-lie...
How do you know a truly gifted performance?
Did you hear about the owls stand up performance?
Just performed in my first concert in China
The crowd was so impressed, they gave me a standing of asian
What did God say after performing the immaculate conception?
You're in a dirty fistfight against a gang of circus performers. Who do you take down first to weaken the whole team?
What did one acrobat say to the other before their performance?
"Catch you on the flip side."
Of all the Beatles drummers, I think Pete performed most magnificently...
What can you say about a HIP-HOP ARTIST that performs the music of TODAY?
Santa Claus really likes him because he’s RAPPING the PRESENT.
(That joke was 2 punny)
I was a DJ performing at a fishing dock
You should've seen it when I dropped the bass
The first doctor to ever perform a vasectomy ....
.....really got the ball rolling.
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
A man recently ran up to me announcing that he was a primary color, then instructed me to perform a modern dance trend on the fourth letter of the alphabet and food coloring.
He said "I'm blue, dab a D, dab a dye".
I used a performance enhancer in the bedroom with my wife last night.
I had a priest perform an exorcism for my house, but I never paid the bill....
An American, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German man are all watching a street performer
The street performer notices the four men are very far to the back and cannot see, so he stands on a box and continues his performance while asking, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Si."
"Ja."
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
Why shouldn't you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
Did you hear about the opera singer who faked every performance?
Why were the guest performers arrested after the concert?
Because they stole the show.
I sure got a kick out of seeing the comedian perform.
I would have preferred a handshake, though.
After the exodus through the Red Sea, Moses's staff could no longer perform miracles, and still he kept it beside him the rest of his life...
...he just couldn't part with it.
What is the difference between an art installation and performance art?
Crap on your neighbors doorstep then ring the doorbell - that's an art installation.
Ring the doorbell THEN crap on his doorstep - that's performance art.
I'm sure he could pull it off
- Did you hear Thor's brother performed at the drag festival?
- No, I did not. How was it?
- It was pretty low-key.
What does a condiment wizard perform?
A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on the lap.
He’s telling a dumb blonde joke when a young platinum haired beauty jumps to feet, “what gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?”she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer an apology
“You keep out of this! She yells, “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”
Do you know why I want to perform a song for you?
It would be the “I sing on my cake” day.
The longest drum solo was 10 hours and 26 minutes.
And it was performed by the child sitting behind me on Delta flight 963 from LA to Tokyo
My broken down car is haunted by the ghost of a mechanic...
He told me he really wants a pay rise but his supervisor can't review his performance without a working car-boo-rator.
I taught my chickens to perform classical music.
You should hear their Bok cantatas.
I know a guy who got arrested for offering fraudulent plastic surgery.
He’d give people huge, round hickeys and then charge them for performing “Lip-O-Suction”.
A man goes to the doctor, and says "doctor, I havent been peeing correctly and its painful". The doctor replies "I will have to perform a prostate exam." As the doctor examines the man, he pulls out an $100 bill out of his bottom. This continues, he keeps pulling out money from this man's bottom.
After about half an hour the doctor says..."You won't believe this, but i just pulled $1999 out of your bottom"
The man turns around and says "Yeah, I wasn't feeling 2 grand"
i saw Michael Jackson's performed once
Viagra is now available in a teabag format. It doesn't improve your performance...
....but it stops your biscuit from getting soft..
Scientists recently performed an experiment to figure out the gender of an ant. They would place them in a tub of water.
If they sank, girl ant. If they floated, buoyant.
I have been working on the most illogical street performance act...
For my next performance I will sort out my checking account while on a high wire
Can you perform under pressure?
No, but I can try Bohemian Rhapsody!
I went for an interview. They said, “Can you perform under pressure?”
I said “I’m not sure about that but I can have a good crack at Bohemian Rhapsody”
I once did a theater performance on puns...
Employer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: No, but I can try Bohemian Rhapsody
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
I once did a theatrical performance about puns.
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