I went for an interview. They said, β€œCan you perform under pressure?”

I said β€œI’m not sure about that but I can have a good crack at Bohemian Rhapsody”

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RodimusMajor84
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?

It's mime blowing

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shangheineken
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I went to a theater performance done on a bunch of dictionaries the other day...

It was a play on words.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2021
🚨︎ report
All my life I thought Simon and Garfunkel never performed a song about a boxer.

But it turned out to be a lie-la-lie, lie-la-lie-la-lie-la-lie...

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wimpykidfan37
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you know a truly gifted performance?

It’s set in the present.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jester57
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the owls stand up performance?

It was a real hoot

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/THPSROCKS
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Just performed in my first concert in China

The crowd was so impressed, they gave me a standing of asian

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2021
🚨︎ report
What did God say after performing the immaculate conception?

Nailed it.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iMakeCrap
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
🚨︎ report
You're in a dirty fistfight against a gang of circus performers. Who do you take down first to weaken the whole team?

Go for the juggler.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Guru9224
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
🚨︎ report
What did one acrobat say to the other before their performance?

"Catch you on the flip side."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Petty_Dick
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Of all the Beatles drummers, I think Pete performed most magnificently...

He was the Best!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
🚨︎ report
What can you say about a HIP-HOP ARTIST that performs the music of TODAY?

Santa Claus really likes him because he’s RAPPING the PRESENT.

(That joke was 2 punny)

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlickHeadSinger
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
I was a DJ performing at a fishing dock

You should've seen it when I dropped the bass

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fr1ckreddit420
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
🚨︎ report
The first doctor to ever perform a vasectomy ....

.....really got the ball rolling.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.

That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_CockLord
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
A man recently ran up to me announcing that he was a primary color, then instructed me to perform a modern dance trend on the fourth letter of the alphabet and food coloring.

He said "I'm blue, dab a D, dab a dye".

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfyfancylads
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
I used a performance enhancer in the bedroom with my wife last night.

I wore a blindfold.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I had a priest perform an exorcism for my house, but I never paid the bill....

It’s been repossessed

πŸ‘︎ 235
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
An American, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German man are all watching a street performer

The street performer notices the four men are very far to the back and cannot see, so he stands on a box and continues his performance while asking, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes."

"Oui."

"Si."

"Ja."

πŸ‘︎ 105
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. β€œUno” β€œDos”

And then he vanished, without a tres.

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cookiesncream6969
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Why shouldn't you let kids watch big band performances on TV?

Too much sax and violins.

πŸ‘︎ 138
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the opera singer who faked every performance?

Placebo Domingo

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bdean42
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why were the guest performers arrested after the concert?

Because they stole the show.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheDreadist
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I sure got a kick out of seeing the comedian perform.

I would have preferred a handshake, though.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mndaver24
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
After the exodus through the Red Sea, Moses's staff could no longer perform miracles, and still he kept it beside him the rest of his life...

...he just couldn't part with it.

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the difference between an art installation and performance art?

Crap on your neighbors doorstep then ring the doorbell - that's an art installation.

Ring the doorbell THEN crap on his doorstep - that's performance art.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pdb12345
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm sure he could pull it off

- Did you hear Thor's brother performed at the drag festival?
- No, I did not. How was it?
- It was pretty low-key.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ANDYmk50
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2021
🚨︎ report
What does a condiment wizard perform?

Saucery

πŸ‘︎ 444
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SackOfPotatoes420
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on the lap.

He’s telling a dumb blonde joke when a young platinum haired beauty jumps to feet, β€œwhat gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?”she demands. β€œWhat does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer an apology

β€œYou keep out of this! She yells, β€œI’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you know why I want to perform a song for you?

It would be the β€œI sing on my cake” day.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bridgeheadprod
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
The longest drum solo was 10 hours and 26 minutes.

And it was performed by the child sitting behind me on Delta flight 963 from LA to Tokyo

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
🚨︎ report
My broken down car is haunted by the ghost of a mechanic...

He told me he really wants a pay rise but his supervisor can't review his performance without a working car-boo-rator.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/THPSROCKS
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2021
🚨︎ report
I taught my chickens to perform classical music.

You should hear their Bok cantatas.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I know a guy who got arrested for offering fraudulent plastic surgery.

He’d give people huge, round hickeys and then charge them for performing β€œLip-O-Suction”.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2021
🚨︎ report
A man goes to the doctor, and says "doctor, I havent been peeing correctly and its painful". The doctor replies "I will have to perform a prostate exam." As the doctor examines the man, he pulls out an $100 bill out of his bottom. This continues, he keeps pulling out money from this man's bottom.

After about half an hour the doctor says..."You won't believe this, but i just pulled $1999 out of your bottom"

The man turns around and says "Yeah, I wasn't feeling 2 grand"

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/domheffo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
🚨︎ report
i saw Michael Jackson's performed once

It was a Thriller

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Viagra is now available in a teabag format. It doesn't improve your performance...

....but it stops your biscuit from getting soft..

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Scientists recently performed an experiment to figure out the gender of an ant. They would place them in a tub of water.

If they sank, girl ant. If they floated, buoyant.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TuttsMcGee
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I have been working on the most illogical street performance act...

It makes no cents.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jonnykelly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
For my next performance I will sort out my checking account while on a high wire

It’s a balancing act

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jvanzandd
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Can you perform under pressure?

No, but I can try Bohemian Rhapsody!

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/trwyncudd
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2021
🚨︎ report
I went for an interview. They said, β€œCan you perform under pressure?”

I said β€œI’m not sure about that but I can have a good crack at Bohemian Rhapsody”

πŸ‘︎ 732
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LIS1050010
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I once did a theater performance on puns...

It was a play on words

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cryolithicdd
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Employer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: No, but I can try Bohemian Rhapsody

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iFunny_15_T0x1c
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2020
🚨︎ report
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.

That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_CockLord
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
I once did a theatrical performance about puns.

It was a play on words.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tardegrades
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report

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