β€œDad, why are you partially see-through?”

Dad: don’t call me dad, call me mom from now on. I’m your trans-parent.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Superbone018
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the ice that got tickled and only partially melted?

It’s snow laughing matter.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/salvedavus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Moving my family to a wetland partially covered with water has been overwhelming...

I've been swamped!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Doctor told me I was partially deaf

It was hard to hear

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call karate for amputees?

Partial Arts

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Faiz_Clan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Scientists just partially revived some pigs.

When they do the same to cows it will really be raising the steaks.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SeasonsAreMyLife
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Tom absolutely loves tractors

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.

Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.

Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.

We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."

He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.

Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....

Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.

Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"

Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.

He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."

He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"

Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asurarkt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Most garden birds can sing. Which bird can only partially sing?

A hummingbird

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun-isher42
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Dear Sir/Madam

Your sex change operation was a partial success.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"

πŸ‘︎ 257
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RabbitHODL
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a partially-blind dinosaur?

Dyathinkhesaurus.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the-polymath
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2018
🚨︎ report
Partially sighted...

Sigh.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Nobody has partially blinded my telepathic horse 'Psyclops' with argonated water.

All is for -naut.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Target359
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a person with a partial colectomy?

A ;

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hunnythebadger
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2018
🚨︎ report
Newspapers for the partially sighted are making massive headlines.
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the partially blind man who fell in a well?

He couldn't see that well.

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Orsum_1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2017
🚨︎ report
Post Malone is great and all...

but what ever happened to pre malone?

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bennyd87708
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I had a partial finger amputation

My boss said ever since I came back from amputation he feels the department's felt a little short handed

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/POSDSM
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2017
🚨︎ report
I purchased what I thought was a partial pillow cover.

Turned out to be a complete sham.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2017
🚨︎ report
For sale - tic tac, partially eaten

Still in mint condition

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2016
🚨︎ report
Harry Potter lithographs, partially tinted with hΓ¦moglobin…

would be The Half Blood Prints

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gone4011s
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2015
🚨︎ report
So today there was a partial solar eclipse...

I was sitting watching TV with my mom and dad when suddenly my mom remembered that there was a partial solar eclipse this evening. I too remembered when she brought it up and we both expressed that we were disappointed that we missed it.

My dad then says to us, "Solar eclipse? That's when the moon goes in front of the sun right?" we told him yes and he then proceeded to stand up in front of me and then he mooned my mother. "Look! it's the moon in front of the son!" he said.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ruty500
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2014
🚨︎ report
So Donald Trump (or "the Don" as some call him) has realized that illegal immigrants must be deported at night so that no one will see them leaving and complain...

The problem, however, is that there isn't enough light for the immigrants to find their way back to Mexico. Because of this, the Don institutes his "Early Light" plan in order to give the immigrants a way to see. One immigrant, Jose, is partially blind, so they are wondering if the "Early Light" program will still allow him to see. The ask him: Jose can you see by the Don's "Early Light."

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoahTheProtozoa
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a one-armed karate man?

A partial artist!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Mute jokes?

So I’m a partial mute, and have been for nearly six years now, and try to cope with this through humour, so give me some of your best mute jokes!!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HisLittleMischief
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the spaghetti say when it fell off the table?

Pasta la vista!

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/N0M3RCY117
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call a man with one leg who can fight

A partial artist

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I never finish anything...

I am a black belt in partial arts.

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/v_cleaner
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2015
🚨︎ report
I like receiving parcels in the mail.

You could say I'm partial to them.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you feel about fractions?

You could say I am partial to them

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bluedeadbear
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2018
🚨︎ report
I sent my dog in to get groomed and neutered

And he came back partially bald.

[actual joke my mom told me 20 years ago about our dog]

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Paging

I hope this is the proper venue for this post. If not, feel free to delete me.

This came from when I was doing production lighting. Every once in a while during concert setup the audio tech would need help with mic check. Now the "real" audio guys would always just stand there going "check check check one two". Me being not a real audio guy wanted to have more fun than that, so I would always do "pages" as if I was paging people. But I would use these assumed names. Here is a partial list of names I would use. If you look closely you might notice a familiar u/name or two.

Paging Mister Lobbla … Mister Bob Lobbla (from Arrested Development)

Paging Mister Vitoomey … Mister Lee Vitoomey

Paging Mister Frescoe … Mister Al Frescoe

Paging Miss Haivure … Miss Bee Haivure

Paging Miss Mitch … Miss Miranda Mitch (my random itch - from The Mick?)

Paging Miss Dactyl … Miss Tara Dactyl

Paging Miss Falactec … Miss Anna Falactec

Paging Miss Tonin … Miss Sarah Tonin

Paging Mister Zinette … Mister Ray Zinnette

Paging Mister Reader … Mister Chip Reader

Paging Miss Kiaki … Miss Sue Kiaki

Paging Mister Doffish … Mister Stan Doffish

Paging Mister Debank … Mister Robin Debank

Paging Mister Festo … Mister Manny Festo

Paging Mister Ifornia … Mister Cal Ifornia

Paging Mister Itosis … Mister Hal Itosis

Paging Mister Saroni … Mister Rye Saroni

Paging Mister Nasium … Mister Jim Nasium

Paging Mister Aroon … Mister Mac Aroon

Paging Miss Ester … Miss Polly Ester

Paging Miss Rexia … Miss Anna Rexia

Paging Mister Zapan … Mister Pete Zapan

Paging Mister Tenuff … Mister Jess Tenuff

Paging Miss Eous … Miss Elaine Eous

Paging Mister Aroni … Mister Mac Aroni

Paging Mister Preneur … Mister Andre Preneur

Paging Mister Cetera … Mister Ed Cetera

Paging Mr. Zapple … Mr. Adam Zapple

Paging Mr. Bino … Mr. Al Bino

Paging Miss Slapter … Miss Ida Slapter

Paging Miss Talia … Miss Jenna Talia

Paging Mr. Rafone … Mr. Mike Rafone

Paging Mr. Zark … Mr. Noah Zark

Paging Miss Yoki … Miss Carey Yoki

Paging Mr. Foolery … Mr. Tom Foolery

Paging Mr. Atric … Mr. Jerry Atric

Paging Mr. Duttank … Mr. Phillip Duttank

Paging Mr. Anoma … Mr. Mel Anoma

Paging Mister Jass … Mr. Hugh Jass

Paging Mr. Onella … Mr. Sam Onella

Paging Mr. Maphobe … Mr. Jer Maphobe

Paging Mr. Packa … Mr. Al Packa

Paging Mister Dente … Mister Al Dente

Paging Miss Conda … Miss Anna Conda

Paging Miss Sharalike … Miss Sharon Sharalike

Paging Miss Bellum … Miss Sarah Bellum

Paging Miss Mennopey … Miss

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayZinnet
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2018
🚨︎ report
I really like the name Saturn

It has a nice ring to it

πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FondSteam39
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2016
🚨︎ report
My grandpa's finest moment

I'm out to dinner with my family and my grandpa starts sniffling a bit. So he pulls out one of his super old patterned handkerchiefs and says "my nose keeps running". He then quickly grabs his nose, handkerchief in hand and yells "got it!" super loud in the restaurant were at. While he's laughing at his own joke he goes "that's funny right there" and keeps laughing and partially retelling the joke.

I'm proud to be his grandson.

πŸ‘︎ 159
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spawn1234100
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2015
🚨︎ report
Classic 7-11 run in experience.

My dad and I were getting our free slushies for free slushy day because fucking free slushies. Anyways, we get in the line and he sees the Pina Coolada flavor is in stock and running, and out of nowhere he shouts "Oh awesome, they have Penis Colossus! That's my go to slushy flavor."

Most embarrassing moment of my life, partially because a girl I had a crush on was there and he knew it. Well played Dad, well played.

πŸ‘︎ 56
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2013
🚨︎ report
I'm so proud of the gf

Gf texting her dad about her tax return:

Gf: I'm getting $1900! Dad: hopfully Gf: well I never only hop partially

She's a keeper

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrShooster
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2015
🚨︎ report
Got this one while talking with my Grandfather

Grandpa: I've got a cataract in my left eye, so I'm partially blind.

Dad: I can't even afford to drive a cataract.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotAnOctagon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2013
🚨︎ report
The brain sucker

As long as I can remember he has made this joke, i'm 22 now.

Dad: (puts hand on my head). "Hey son, what's my hand?"

Me: "idunno dad, what?"

Dad: "it's a brain sucker. And what's it doing?"

Me: (partially annoyed cause iv'e heard this a million times) "whaaaaaaaat dad???"

Dad: "Starving." (Walks away with a smirk, like it's the first time he's ever told me it) -_-

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nicktheduck
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2013
🚨︎ report
Train station attendant was a Dad.

The bus ride to the station had been very stressful. I spent the entire time worrying if the bus even stopped at the train station. I ended up spending nearly an hour making two loops around the city before I finally realized that I had to hop off near the station. Public transport. Jesus.

I'd missed the train I wanted to catch due to my hour-long bus ride, so I had some time to kill before the next one arrived. It had been cold and raining when I left in the morning, but by lunch time it was warm and I was sweating, standing on the station in a big yellow hoodie and jeans.

I had overslept and skipped breakfast earlier, so I resolved not to let the loud farts coming from the old man next to me kill my appetite. I was desperate for a snack.

Initially the vending machine told me it would accept "EXACT CHANGE ONLY". Slightly annoying, but no real problem: I just fished out my change, inserted some alternative coins and punched in the number. I watched the object of my desire inch forwards, ready to drop into the bottom where I could collect it. For some reason I was terrified that it might get stuck. Robbed by a robot, how embarrassing. Luckily the packet fell into the tray. Finally something was going my way.

As I reached into the bottom of the machine and pushed open the metal door, it suddenly stuck. It was wedged in place and the gap was too small for my snack to fit through. "Motherfucker..." I whispered under my breath.

But I was too invested to give up now. Determined not to be beaten by a bloody machine, I pulled hard and the packet burst, spilling chips into the tray. I managed to salvage about half of the crisps and ate them greedily. Partially crushed, but still deliciously cheesy.

At this point it occurred to me that perhaps I should tell the station operator that the vending machine was broken. I walked up to the ticket office and saw a bored, tired looking man in his forties. "I just thought I'd let you know the vending machine is jammed," I announced.

The attendant got up, walked over over to the vending machine and gave it a solid kick, dislodging the little metal door which had foiled me. When he turned to me again his expression had changed from boredom to amusement. "So what flavour was it then? Strawberry?"

I groaned, but couldn't resist a smile.

I knew it was going to be a good day.


πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Revoran
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2014
🚨︎ report
Shout out to the partially deaf
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call karate for amputees?

Partial arts

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/brandomenon
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call karate for amputees?

Partial arts

πŸ‘︎ 404
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
🚨︎ report
What do call an amputee that does karate?

Partial arts.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sk1wbw
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
🚨︎ report

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