No Poo Puns

They must liquidate their ass-ets.

bassturd

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

Who's there?
Europe.
Europe who?
No, you're a poo!

If everyone dressed up as ghosts, it'd be boo-jitsu!

If they served coffee, it'd be brew-jitsu!

If they wrestled cows, it'd be moo-jitsu!

If everyone celebrated each move, it'd be WOO!-jitsu!

If they only used chokeholds, it'd be blue-jitsu!

If they grappled inside old industrial chimneys, it'd be flue-jitsu!

If they wrestled pigeons, it'd be coo-jitsu!

If you ate too much Taco Bell before your match, it'd be poo-jitsu!

And then no one would want to pair up with you, so it'd be just you-jitsu!

I've been torturing my kid with these all night. :D

Me to wife thru the bathroom door: Hurry up, I need to use the toilet.

Wife: I’m trying to poo.

Me: Poo or poo not. There is no try.

This morning my girlfriend was telling me about her new shampoo, that comes without additives and sulfates and all that jazz.

GF: It's called "no poo" shampoo

Me: Sounds like a bit of a sham to me

She didn't get it.

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
17. Always go straight home after work or school
18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Europe.

Europe who?

No. You're a poo!

Gets him every time.

edit: I forgot to mention that he insisted that I post this. ;-)

My SO is in nursing school and a friend from class came over to study.

Me: Hey what're you studying?

SO: Bowels.

Me: Vowels?

SO: No, B-O-W-E-L-S

Me: Oh yeah, A, E, I, O, POO, and sometimes Y

SO: :/

Bear with me, it's a little story. So, I'm getting ready to take her to school this morning and I was about to hop in the shower when I felt the call of nature, didn't have enough time to poo and get to school on time so I say, "I'm just going to get dressed and I'm not going to shower" she asks me why and I said, "I have to poop and it's a whole process." She immediately replies... "A process of elimination". I start cackling immediately. I'm laughing and, as kids like to do, she keeps saying it thinking she's cool. I can't stop laughing but as she's repeating it, I wonder if she knows. So I ask her, do you know why that's funny? She says no, and my wife and I start cackling even more and I explain through the tears that pooping can be called elimination.

I'm sure it's not a new thing but it's new to us and we are going to have a new phrase for doing a deuce!

Who's there?

"Europe"

Europe who

>!"No! You're a poo"!<

Europe who? No, YOU’RE a POO!!

Europe who?

No, you’re a poo!

"Who's there?"

"Europe"

"Europe who?"

"NO you're a poo!"

Who's there?

Europe.

Europe who?

No, you're a poo!

So my sister does this thing called NoPoo so she doesn't wash her hair when she showers and does some weird thing to make it healthier than when you would use shampoo.

Anyway, the joke revolves around the remedy name, NoPoo.

Dad: So how does this work

Sister: Well it makes it so I don't have to wash my hair and makes my hair healthier

Me: So you're Shampoostipated

My dad laughed out loud and my sisters groaned.