My wife and kids put stickers all over a bottle of liquor for my dad for Christmas.
I said " Give him a gift of the Holiday Spirit".
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
Just to remind me why there's no money in there.
My wife and I saw our first sonogram today, even though we have two kids already
The previous ones were daughterograms.
Kids and I are making burgers for my wife on Mother's Day....
I hope they meat her expectations
I was having dinner with my wife and kids.
"Shit day at work," I told her.
"Language, Thomas!" she said.
"English," I replied.
My wife and kids laughed when they saw me chase a penny which rolled down the drain.
They were having fun at my ex pence.
I was going to leave everything to my 2 sons when I die, but one son got arrested for a murderous rampage and the other left his wife and kids for his hot secretary...
I really love setting things on fire, so does my wife and our kid.
The first time he set fire to a building I said "Yep, that's arson".
My wife and kids told me to stop singing Christmas songs. They said 'It's March, save it for the one day it is Christmas!'
I said 'Oh... I wish it could be Christmas everyday.'
My wife and I decided not to have kids....
The kids aren't taking it very well
My wife and I didn't want to have kids, so I had a vasectomy
But when we got home they were still there
My wife thinks it’s weird that I don’t miss the days when my kids were little and used to wake us up at night.
But I don’t lose any sleep over it.
My wife and kids are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing.
I've really enjoyed the past year here and have gotten some great material for my repertoire that never ceases to amaze the wife and kids, but I think it's time I had a short word with you all
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put on one just so I could say "vest day ever" like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn't as invested as they were
My wife and kids have all really gotten into this fad of wearing vests every day. I tried it for a little while but gave up on it.
I guess I'm just not that invested
My wife and I talking dirty in front of the kids.
H: Do you think I can fit it all in there?
W: Yes babe throw it all in, that’s what it’s designed for.
H: I guess they don’t call it a high capacity washing machine for nothing
In the divorce I got the kids, and my wife took all the shoes.
We each got sole custody.
My wife and I decided to adopt a kid from Germany but all he would talk about is sausages...
My wife and I have decided we don't want kids.
The kids don't seem happy.
I bought my kids a bunch of Sharpies to play with, and my wife is mad at me.
It is weird though. She wakes up every day with a huge smile on her face.
My wife and kids say I'm lazy because all I do is sit in my lounge chair all day.
I'm half inclined to agree with them.
I told /u/porichoygupto's Dad joke to my wife and kids via text, my wife's response was perfect. (Link to album in the text box.)
I'm getting some good mileage out of this joke. Thanks /u/porichoygupto !!!
First. Second.
My wife made the kids and I garden salad for dinner instead of caesar salad
Caesar salad is our favourite so I told her she really lettuce down
Made my wife and kids cringe during a road trip.
Kids were discussing animals. Someone mentioned gnus (wildebeests), how they have horse tails and buffalo horns. I told them I'm not even sure if they are real or not. "Really? You don't know if gnus are real or not?" Says the oldest in a skeptic tone.
"That's right. I'm an agnustic."
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me...
...that we're married and live together, so I'd have to see them every day.
At the beach with wife, friends and three kids. My wife exclaims: "Aren't our kids an odd trio?"
"Aren't they always?"
Wife groaned. Wife's friend had the delayed giggles. Good times.
Told my wife and kids that I had a doctor appointment at 2:30
Wife immediately came back with, "2:30, wouldn't that be a dentist appointment"
Pulled this one on my wife and kids, I'm pretty proud of it actually.
Me: Hey guys, how does a Pirate climb a rope?
Them: (Silence and Odd stares)
Me: With his Aaarghms.
The kids are at grandparents house. Tonight my wife and I spice things up...
I told my wife and kids, "this pharmacy isn't kidding around."
http://imgur.com/EQp1QRk
"It's no laughing matter. This is Serio's business!"
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
The kids are taking it pretty hard.
My wife and kids have all really gotten into this fad of wearing vests every day. I'm not into it though.
I guess I'm just not that invested
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
The kids are taking pretty hard.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests.
So I put one on so I could said “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could say I wasn’t as invested as they were.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests...
... So I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off so I could mention I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Stolen from r/whitepeopletwitter btw
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
'The kids are taking it pretty hard.'
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