My wife and kids put stickers all over a bottle of liquor for my dad for Christmas.

I said " Give him a gift of the Holiday Spirit".

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ShiverMeeTimberz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.

Just to remind me why there's no money in there.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife and I saw our first sonogram today, even though we have two kids already

The previous ones were daughterograms.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zireael-
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Kids and I are making burgers for my wife on Mother's Day....

I hope they meat her expectations

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Whiskylover2121
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I was having dinner with my wife and kids.

"Shit day at work," I told her.

"Language, Thomas!" she said.

"English," I replied.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife and kids laughed when they saw me chase a penny which rolled down the drain.

They were having fun at my ex pence.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I was going to leave everything to my 2 sons when I die, but one son got arrested for a murderous rampage and the other left his wife and kids for his hot secretary...

It was a bad heir day!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I really love setting things on fire, so does my wife and our kid.

The first time he set fire to a building I said "Yep, that's arson".

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dezrockkerz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife and kids told me to stop singing Christmas songs. They said 'It's March, save it for the one day it is Christmas!'

I said 'Oh... I wish it could be Christmas everyday.'

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dongwaffler
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife and I decided not to have kids....

The kids aren't taking it very well

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/B-man44
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife and I didn't want to have kids, so I had a vasectomy

But when we got home they were still there

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dohimer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife thinks it’s weird that I don’t miss the days when my kids were little and used to wake us up at night.

But I don’t lose any sleep over it.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/djmuhlestein
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife and kids are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing.

And they’re off!

πŸ‘︎ 208
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2018
🚨︎ report
I've really enjoyed the past year here and have gotten some great material for my repertoire that never ceases to amaze the wife and kids, but I think it's time I had a short word with you all

Short

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TimothyLux
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put on one just so I could say "vest day ever" like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn't as invested as they were

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Biono03
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife and kids have all really gotten into this fad of wearing vests every day. I tried it for a little while but gave up on it.

I guess I'm just not that invested

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chateau512
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife and I talking dirty in front of the kids.

H: Do you think I can fit it all in there?

W: Yes babe throw it all in, that’s what it’s designed for.

H: I guess they don’t call it a high capacity washing machine for nothing

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/doravec88
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
🚨︎ report
In the divorce I got the kids, and my wife took all the shoes.

We each got sole custody.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife and I decided to adopt a kid from Germany but all he would talk about is sausages...

What a brat.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife and I have decided we don't want kids.

The kids don't seem happy.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PeevesPoltergist
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I bought my kids a bunch of Sharpies to play with, and my wife is mad at me.

It is weird though. She wakes up every day with a huge smile on her face.

πŸ‘︎ 86
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife and kids say I'm lazy because all I do is sit in my lounge chair all day.

I'm half inclined to agree with them.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jr_b17
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
🚨︎ report
I told /u/porichoygupto's Dad joke to my wife and kids via text, my wife's response was perfect. (Link to album in the text box.)

I'm getting some good mileage out of this joke. Thanks /u/porichoygupto !!!

First. Second.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Drumlin
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife made the kids and I garden salad for dinner instead of caesar salad

Caesar salad is our favourite so I told her she really lettuce down

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DeoxysSpeedForm
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2017
🚨︎ report
Made my wife and kids cringe during a road trip.

Kids were discussing animals. Someone mentioned gnus (wildebeests), how they have horse tails and buffalo horns. I told them I'm not even sure if they are real or not. "Really? You don't know if gnus are real or not?" Says the oldest in a skeptic tone.

"That's right. I'm an agnustic."

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MuadLib
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2016
🚨︎ report
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me...

...that we're married and live together, so I'd have to see them every day.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2017
🚨︎ report
At the beach with wife, friends and three kids. My wife exclaims: "Aren't our kids an odd trio?"

"Aren't they always?"

Wife groaned. Wife's friend had the delayed giggles. Good times.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrSnowden
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2016
🚨︎ report
Told my wife and kids that I had a doctor appointment at 2:30

Wife immediately came back with, "2:30, wouldn't that be a dentist appointment"

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/marycartlizer
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2015
🚨︎ report
Pulled this one on my wife and kids, I'm pretty proud of it actually.

Me: Hey guys, how does a Pirate climb a rope?

Them: (Silence and Odd stares)

Me: With his Aaarghms.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fubarfrank
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2014
🚨︎ report
The kids are at grandparents house. Tonight my wife and I spice things up...
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EZ-C
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2016
🚨︎ report
I told my wife and kids, "this pharmacy isn't kidding around."

http://imgur.com/EQp1QRk

"It's no laughing matter. This is Serio's business!"

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/the_interrobanger
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2014
🚨︎ report
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.

I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ksbalaji
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife and I decided not to have kids.

The kids are taking it pretty hard.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife and kids have all really gotten into this fad of wearing vests every day. I'm not into it though.

I guess I'm just not that invested

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chateau512
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife and I decided not to have kids.

The kids are taking pretty hard.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests.

So I put one on so I could said β€œvest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could say I wasn’t as invested as they were.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IReload95
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests...

... So I put one on just so I could say β€œvest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off so I could mention I wasn’t as invested as they were.

Stolen from r/whitepeopletwitter btw

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BantaSaurus139
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife and I decided not to have kids.

'The kids are taking it pretty hard.'

πŸ‘︎ 112
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/corygaming
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2016
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.