My wife asked me to put ketchup and mustard on the grocery list.
Now I can't even read the thing!
On Father's Day, my wife and kids woke me up, lifted their coffee cups and said, "You're great, splendid, magnificent, superb, fantastic"
Me: What's this?
Wife: When I asked you what you wanted for your father's day breakfast, you said 'just a coffee and synonym toast'.
My wife and kids told me that they're tired of hearing the same jokes
I told them that I care about the environment and thus recycle my jokes.
When I married my wife, I made a list of all the chores I knew how to do to help out in the house.
It was the list I could do
My wife got mad at me because I wouldn’t stop singing “I’m a Believer” by the Monkees. At first, I thought she was kidding.
My wife asked if our kids were spoiled.
I said, “No, I think most kids smell that way.”
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.
My wife and kids put stickers all over a bottle of liquor for my dad for Christmas.
I said " Give him a gift of the Holiday Spirit".
My wife and I don't want kids
So if anyone does, we can drop them off tomorrow.
Holiday to-do list: 1) shoot the family 2) hang the kids 3) frame the wife
$129.95 at JC Penny Portrait and Framing Studio
My Son Ate a Bunch of Scrabble Tiles. My Wife is Scared but I'm not...
He should have a good vowel movement. His next diaper change could spell disaster though.
My wife is angry. Last night for my anniversary, I left the kids, snuck out with my ex-girlfriend, and we hooked up in the back seat like we used to.
She hates when I call her that.
My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work
She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up
My kids recently been super obsessed with the moon and my wife is starting to get worried.
I told her not to worry, it’s only a phase.
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
My wife and I were really happy for 20 years ...
my wife does 'sip and paint,' so I started 'bros, beers, and books'
our signature cocktail is "tequila mockingbird"
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
My wife has accused me of stealing her Thesaurus....
Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.
My wife called me at work and told me one of our envelopes is giving her an attitude
I told her I will address it when I get home
Wife was at the doctor’s office yesterday and texted me that she’s tired of waiting.
I told her to…be patient.
I’m a new dad of a five-month old baby and I was quite proud of this moment.
My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns.
Well, toucan play at that game.
Wife: Dad, stop using the name Peter in the place of Penis. One day the kids will meet a kid named Peter.
Me (husband): I agree. This should be kept private.
Wife: groan...
My wife called me at work and said “it’s time, the baby is coming”
I said that’s impossible, Labor Day is in September!
(New dad of a 3 week old, trying to step into my new role)
As one of the biggest fruit farmers in the country, I owe all of my success to my dear dad. I grew up as a kid who was scared of everything, and my dad always told me to
My wife and I share the same sense of humour.
We have to....She doesn't have one.
My wife and I saw our first sonogram today, even though we have two kids already
The previous ones were daughterograms.
I told my wife I'm leaving her while she was giving birth to our child. She asked if I was kidding
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today." Concerned, she asked, "Which doctor?"
"No, the regular kind!" I laughed.
An actual conversation between my wife and my son yesterday.
My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."
My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."
I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.
My wife beamed at me and said, “I had no idea our son would go that far!” Tearing up, I stammered, “I know!"
"The trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter!"
The wife and I have decided we don’t want kids
They’re not taking it very well
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
I took him to the bar and had a few drinks. Nice guy. He wants to be a web designer.
My wife said she’d leave me if I kept quoting Shrek and I didn’t believe her
My wife and I received nothing from our wedding guests but colanders. There musta been 500 of the damned thing.
It really put a strain on our marriage.
I was sick and tired of my wife forgetfully leaving her feminine hygiene products in the toilet, so I confronted her
She immediately flushed with embarrassment.
My wife was explaining the idea of investing to my daughter
After a good explanation of savings, stocks, returns, etc, I pointed out there's another definition she should understand too. At some point in her life she may decide to put on a sweater without sleeves. When she does that, she's invest.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
My wife asked me if I thought the kids were spoiled
I said "no, I think they're supposed to smell like that."
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
Just to remind me why there's no money in there.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list...
Now I can't read anything.
My wife told me to put ketchup on the shopping list .
Now I can't read anything .
My wife told me to stop singing “I’m a believer” because it’s annoying. At first I thought she was kidding...
My wife asked if our kids were spoiled.
I said, “I think most kids smell that way!”
My wife and I don't want kids
So if anyone does, we can drop them off tomorrow.
My wife asked me to put ketchup in the shopping list
Now I can't read anything.
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