2 cats swim across the channel. 1 English 1 French. They're called one two three and un deux troix respectively. Which one won?

One two three because the un deux troix cat sank.

Ba dum tiss

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/IngenuityOk1978
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 29 2023
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My dad was watching the weather channel in one room and my mom was in the other. The weatherman was a Russian named Rudolph. My dad yelled to my mom, "Hey honey I think it's gonna rain tomorrow!" To which she replied "How do you know?"

He said, "I'm watching the weather channel and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Craniacs
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 24 2021
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My programmer husband insists he has to be the one to change the channel

He has a lot experience working remote

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/iceberger3
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My cable service package comes with nearly a hundred channels - I can hardly focus on just one at a time!

I have 80 HD

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ilikesidehugs
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 08 2022
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One of the TV channels has became Greek-friendly.

###ฮจฮฆ

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Ag3ntS1
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 18 2022
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If an ocean forms a channel through a body of land, and no one's around to hear it...

Does it make a sound?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jerpeggy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 20 2018
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Iโ€™ve decided to get the most out of my cable package -

Iโ€™ve purchased 79 high definition television sets in order to watch as many channels as possible simultaneously

But one more TV would give me 80 HDโ€™s

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Bkwdesignz
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 08 2023
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Know how it can be fun to hatewatch things? Karens getting arrested, Sovereign Citizens getting their windows smashed, lame local commercials?

It can be tedious dealing with different subreddits and YouTube channels. What if we aggregated all of these videos to one master site?

We can call it ScornHub.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/willogical85
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 30 2022
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My cousin is obsessed with Belle Delphine (long)

Iโ€™m worried about my cousin. Heโ€™s 28 with a good job. Has a lot in common with me (nerdy habits: board games, gaming conventions, anime etc). Unfortunately I have recently learned that he is one of those poor souls obsessed with Belle Delphine. Apparently it started out innocently enough. My cousin is into cosplay. Heโ€™s into girls. Ooh, thereโ€™s cosplay girls on the internet? What began as a YouTube channel subscription and a few dozen likes on Instagram has progressed into something much more serious. This man is spending money. My cousinโ€™s social media accounts have recently featured pictures of him with his Belle Delphine merch. T-shirts, body pillows, thereโ€™s even some kind of bed spread/comforter with her googly-eyed tongue-outy face on it. Did you know that Belle Delphine briefly partnered with Tomโ€™s shoes for a limited edition series of footwear? I knew that, because my cousin wonโ€™t shut up about how he bought them all. Heโ€™s got at least three jars of dirty bath water and a gaming keyboard with her face on it. Itโ€™s really sad. I think the isolation of the pandemic really exacerbated his behavior. He says that he and Belle are destined to be together. For my part, Iโ€™m telling him that this isnโ€™t healthy behavior, and Iโ€™m encouraging him to seek counseling. Iโ€™m convinced he has a mental health issue like Obsessive Love Disorder or Erotomania. Afterall, he does have all of the Simp Toms.

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๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 01 2021
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Why is English TV so boring?

Because there's only one English Channel

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Elon___
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 09 2022
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To commemorate the opening of the Channel Tunnel, two boats were raced from France and England respectively.

Tunnel boring is kind of ... well, boring ... so the Eurotunnel publicity people thought it would be neat to show something on the surface when the tunnel opened. Because of the way the dual channel 'Chunnel' was excavated, with the tunnels meeting each other half-way, it was decided that two twin-hull ships should cross each other over the channel waters (one starting from Dover called "One Two Three - Go!" and once starting from Calais called "Un Duex Trois - Alles!").

The idea was for them to pass each other and set off confetti and so on for publicity reasons. Unfortunately the weather on the channel was so inclement to the catamarans that the Un Deux Trois cat' sank.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Ramiel01
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 16 2022
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๐Ÿš€ โ€๐ŸŒ•Cybertruck Prototype ๐ŸŒ• โ€๐Ÿš€

โ€๐Ÿš€๐ŸŒ• โ€ELON TWEET HYPE, BUT WITH LEGIT LONG TERM DEVS . ๐ŸŒ• โ€๐Ÿš€
Strap in and get ready to launch.

This was created by a professional dev team of HOGL And BUFFTOWN (Developers of HOGL and Shield) They are dedicating their spare time to launch this as a meme project that will explode. Get in. Weโ€™re going to run this long term for listings on both CMC and Gecko.
Cybertruck Prototype has an ambitious core team of experienced Crypto veterans, all working day and night ( I mean this, we actually forced one to stay up well past his bed time while in the voice channel. ) to make sure we get to the moon fast, and safe.

โญ๏ธ โญ๏ธ โญ๏ธ 4.6MM 24Hour Volumeโญ๏ธโญ๏ธ โญ๏ธ
โญ๏ธ Market Cap as of typing this 2.3MMโญ๏ธ

INCOMING CATALYSTS:

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SNL TONIGHT and the CyberTruckPrototype itself being the star of the show in NYC.

This is NOT a P&D. Liquidity is LOCKED, and ownership RENOUNCED.

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โญ๏ธ Contract:

bscscan /token/0xf340E33aef552C836b4538BA09bBfCcd5f42fa17

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โญ๏ธ Telegram

t me /CyberTruckPrototypeOfficial

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r /CyberTruckPrototype

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/lynseahoss
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 09 2021
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History

If you are thinking about paying for the History channel just choose a one year plan as their shows are repetitious.

The History channel always repeats itself.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DukeJon
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 23 2021
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I've started a new competitive pun gameshow podcast entitled 'Punnit' and I'm looking for contestants! First two episodes in the comments.

'Punnit' is hosted by myself and played over three rounds. The first two rounds consist of one category (say, Musical Genres & Ailments), with each contestant going in turn and giving their best 5 entries. Such as, HIVy Metal, Honky Tonksillitis, Indiegestion etc.

These two categories are known about a week or so prior so everyone can bring their best (or worst, depending on how you look at it) but the third round is entirely on the spot, with the entrants shouting out whatever they can think of for a category. One of the recent being American Presidents & American States, with OklaBama winning that one.

It's all very much in the early stages but I would appreciate both feedback on the format and people getting in touch if they wanna duke it out.

Here are the episodes: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKJOzYgG9MW7CQHAZQahiqw/videos

Follow us too @thepunpodcast

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/PattersonHoodlum
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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French dadjoke that stumped Will Shortz on NPR

Heard this one on the radio during the Sunday Puzzle segment on NPR's Weekend America yesterday. A grandfatherly contestant on the program (named Gรฉrard) asked this riddle of NYTimes puzzlemaster and Yale enigmatologist Will Shortz:

"Two cats are competing to see who would win in a race swimming across the English Channel. The cats' names are One-Two-Three Cat and Un-Deux-Trois Cat. Who won?"

Shortz was stumped. The contestant answered the riddle saying:

"The English cat, One-Two-Three Cat won because Un-Deux-Trois-Quatre-Cinq."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bachrock37
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 14 2014
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Russian Puns

How does every Russian joke start? By looking over your shoulder.


Whats the difference between a smart Russian and a unicorn? ย Nothing, theyโ€™re both fictional characters


Whatโ€™s meant by an exchange opinions in the Communist party of the Soviet Union? ย Itโ€™s when I come to a party meeting with my own opinion, and I leave with the partyโ€™s.


What do you call a Russian with Touretteโ€™s Syndrome? ย Yukanol Fukov.


What is 150 yards long and eats potatoes? ย A Moscow queue waiting to buy meat.


What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada Userโ€™s Manual? ย The bus and train timetables.


What is Communism? ย The Poles say itโ€™s the longest and most painful of the roads to capitalism.


What do you call a gassy russian? Vladimir Tootin


What is the fastest country in the world? A: Russia


What do you call a Lada on a hill? ย A bloody miracle.


What did Wendi Murdoch say to Vladimir Putin? ย Put-it-in!


What did the Russian people light their houses with before they started using candles? ย Electricity.


Did you hear about the winner of the Russian beauty contest? Me neither.


When was the first Russian election held? ย The time that God set Eve in front of Adam and said, โ€œGo ahead, choose your wife.โ€


Russia really Putin a lot of work for the Winter Olympics


I hate Russian dolls. Theyโ€™re so full of themselves.


America: Hey Ivan..ย Russia: da..ย America: what do you call a gassy Russian..ย Russia: hoe donโ€™t-..ย America: Vladimir Tootin..ย Russia: ! ย ย America: !!..ย Russia: fuck you.


Me: Netflix and chill more like NYET-flix and chill..ย Closetcellist: in a russian accent NO FILMS. ONLY CHILL.


So you want to tell meโ€ฆ Hilbert was Russian to the loud noise?


This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: โ€œWhat is the difference between Russian and English fairy tales?โ€ Weโ€™re answering: โ€œThe English fairy tale start with โ€˜Once upon a timeโ€ฆโ€™, and ours with โ€˜It will be soonโ€ฆ


This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: โ€œWhy some people say that Hungarians love the Russians and hate the Americans?โ€ Weโ€™re answering: โ€œBecause Russians helped Hungarians to get rid of one totalitarian rule, but Americans donโ€™t help to get rid of the other.โ€


This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: โ€œWhy Lenin wore regular shoes, but Stalin wore boots?โ€ Weโ€™re answering: โ€œAt Leninโ€™s time, Ru

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Punsville
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 16 2017
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I also got dadjoked by my son this week. Twice. He's 12.

1st - "Hey dad, how come nobody can come up with a good, stable news channel on tv?"

"What do you mean?"

"Every one you watch say their news is breaking!"


2nd - We were having dinner and my 15 year old mentioned that something or other 'really sucked!'

The 12 year old responded with "not really, that doesn't really suck, you know what does?"

... silence

"A vacuum cleaner, that really sucks!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FerretFarm
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 10 2015
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My husband still loves me...even after one of my worst ones...

We were driving to a friend's house for "game day". We live in Phoenix...we have flora that doesn't like living..because..it is Phoenix.As we were driving, we passed a huge palm tree on its last root (leg) of life in the median of the road. It is literally being held up by a few 2x4's. I look at my husband with the saddest look I can muster before I say "Babe, did you see that poor palm?". Husband says, "Oh yea, that big, dead-looking ones with the boards?". I respond, "Yea, sweetie, we should say a prayer. The poor thing is on LEAF support". He was not amused...I, however, giggle every other Saturday when we pass the tree to game day. Also, please don't worry about the tree. Now that Phoenix has made it through a hot summer, I bet after winter it will just spring back to life...assuming it doesn't fall. Lastly, sorry I'm not a dad or no actually dad said it...but I was channeling that inner dad when it happened! If I need to move this post it is okay!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sh2nn0n
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 21 2014
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[META] A plea for real dad jokes.

EDIT: I somehow JUST saw the Mod Sticky post from last week, where a lot of users have expressed similar sentiments to these. I apologize to the mods if this is not appropriate and respect your decision if you want to delete it. I just wanted to see if people were thinking the same kind of thing. Still, read it if ya like.

It used to be that /r/dadjokes was a place to post actual stories of real dad humor. 'My dad pulled out this groaner at dinner.' 'Just became a dad...I think I get it now!' These are the things that warm my heart and tickle my corny bone. And I don't think I'm alone.

Now, we're arrogant enough to think we know the formula for dad humor, so we can post anything reminiscent of it, and it counts as a dad joke. It's as if we think we own dad humor now, and we can bend it and shape it at will.

Let me tell you, folks. WE DO NOT OWN DAD HUMOR.

Even the dads among us don't own it. I think the universe just channels it through them in brilliant, glorious, involuntary sneezes. Some are more deft than others, and are seen by the universe as more worthy outlets. But they do not own it.

We can get close to elusive heart of dad humor, we can approach it, we can dance around it...but we can never touch it. This is where I take issue with posts like this one, which currently has over 4000 upvotes and 2000 net karma. Is it reminiscent of dad-like punly-ness? Would a dad chortle heartily at reading it? Yes, almost certainly yes. But does that make it a dad joke? No...I would argue not.

Dad jokes are also not just about the jokes themselves. They're about the response--that he manages to be surprised at his own genius, even on the eightieth repetition. They're about the face-palms and straight stares of family members. What is a dad joke without context?

My proposed solution: ban link/image posts. I wish it wouldn't have to come to that, but I can't see another way to get back on track to the real goal here. I have hover zoom--I understand the desire for instant gratification. I've skipped over interesting looking videos because they required a click.

But that's not why I come here.

I understand that there are legitimate dad jokes transmitted via text, or perhaps requiring a bit of visual context. At this point, though, I think they are a necessary sacrifice for a righteous cause. They can always be transcribed into text, or included in a self-post. Maybe it seems a bit extreme, especially in the face

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SlapYourHands
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 25 2013
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What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?

One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues

Shamelessly stolen from @techconnectify on Twitter and YouTube (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCy0tKL1T7wFoYcxCe0xjN6Q)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/billdanbury
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 12 2019
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How to make a Teamspeak server groan

One evening, I was on Teamspeak talking with a few people I know; one of them being a German guy called Willi.

He's gone away from the keyboard for a few minutes and someone asks where he is. A friend of his jokes that he's probably jerking off to porn.

To which I replied "Are you trying to tell me he's playing with his Willi?"

Cue groans from the entire channel.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Clbull
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 04 2017
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My wife threw something at me for this one

Let me set the seen.

We are watching tv a channel in the UK called True Entertainment.

From the TV "Up next on True Entertainment, 'Amnesia part 2'"

I turn to my wife and ask "what was part one about I forgot"

My wife shrugged and said "I don't...." followed by a groan

She then asks if she can change the channel or do I want to watch Amnesia.

I respond with "change it I will just forget what the show is about"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MrBeanpod
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 29 2014
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Mom got me while watching news

Its been exceptionally windy today, so windy that it blew over one of our plant pots and broke it. The local news channel was discussing it. Then my mom quipped "Why aren't they in front of our house? We have breaking news right here!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/neozan
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 10 2015
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My dad's brilliant macabre one liner

So my dad was talking to an acquaintance of ours, who is a landlord. My dad's acquaintance said he went in to check on one of his tenants and found him dead in his Lay-Z-Boy watching TV, remote still in hand and T.V still running. My dad's response on hearing this bit of news "Welp, I bet he wasn't watching the Life Channel"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/deutschbag17
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 30 2014
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Wife bought this deli crab salad and this was my response.

Little bit of context to start out. Had just dadjoked my wife mere seconds earlier about me being nervous to turn on the baby monitor since it is displaying c4 for channel 4 and the relation between explosives, what not etc. (you see where that was going)

Anyways, now that her guard is down (I don't think she was expecting a twofer) I pulled out this weird deli crab salad concoction she had just bought at the store, showed it to her and said with a look of disgust on my face, (she knows I don't like the stuff)

Me: "Seriously though, I just have one question for you."

Her: "I know you don't like the stuff I just got enough for me it was on a good sale!"

Me: "What the crab is this?"

Those precious few milliseconds where her expression transitions from confused to eye roll is my favorite part.

(Yes these jokes were all shamelessly planned)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tokyo0709
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 09 2015
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Sitting at the train station bar right now...

And the bartender asks these two old guys, across from me, "Is it okay if I change this TV right now?" (Meaning she was changing the channel)

The one says, "Yeah! Is the new one gonna be a 62 or 70 inch?"

Dad joking strangers? Especially when I'm drunk? All my yes.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ohrubytuesday
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 21 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Dad joked my friend last night

We were watching tv at his house and wanted to change the channel, but we couldn't find the remote for the cable box. The only remote we found was for the tv, which was on a table.

Conversation went:

Friend: "Anyone know where the cable remote is?"

Other friend: "No. There should be one remote that does everything. We have too many remotes."

Me: "Well, right now we only have one many remotes."

Everyone in the room starts shaking their heads.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JanitorOfSanDiego
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 26 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Two cats, one french one english had a race across the channel.

The english cat, known by her owners as 123 won. Because the french cat, known by his owners as an du twa, cat sank.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SnooSketches7308
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 20 2022
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Two cats swam across the English channel. One cat was named "One Two Three", the other "Un Deux Trois".

The "One Two Three" cat made it, but the "Un Deux Trois" cat sank.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Se7enineteen
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 20 2017
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Two cats, One Two Three and Un Deux Trois have a race across the English Channel. Who won?

Two cats, One Two Three and Un Deux Trois have a race across the English Channel. Who won? One Two Three, because Un Deux Trois Quatre Cinq!

Told by my physics teacher, who is a dad himself.

PS: If you don't know French numbers

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jaredjeya
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 23 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Dad just pulled this one

My dad was watching the weather channel in one room and my mom was in another one. The weatherman was a Russian names Rudolph. My dad yelled to my mom, "Hey honey, I think it's gonna rain tomorrow!" To which she replied "How do you know that?" He said, "I'm watching the weather channel and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/carsonrocks1489
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 22 2013
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Two Cats swimming the English Channel

Two Cats swimming the English Channel to France, one was called One Two Three and the other Un Deux Trois

which cat made it?

One Two Three because Un deux trois Cat Sank

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/aontroim
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 03 2015
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