A person sees someone walking in the street without a mask. Frustrated, he goes up to him, stops at two meters away and angrily mutters through his mask,

"People like you make me sick!".

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ May 13 2021
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I saw a pregnant horse muttering incantations with her friends...

Thus a cult was born.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YoMamaCarlos2
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2022
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I once met a crazed man muttering incoherently about Ancient Mesopotamia but I had to stop him because…

I didn’t want him to Babylon…

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/808gecko808
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2022
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I once tried to smuggle an abacus into an end of year maths exam

However the invigilator immediately spotted the strange shape under my jumper and confiscated it, the swine.

"Christ," I muttered to myself. "I was counting on that."

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/E420CDI
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2022
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A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Are you 21?" the bartender asks. "No," the guy replies. "I'm sorry, I can't serve you." The guy walks out muttering to himself.... "This is the third damn bar, I wonder where a 23 year old can go to get a drink in this city."

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Firegoat1
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2022
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Gabe was muttering incoherently. He'd been up all night studying for the history exam.

I poked my head in his room, and he was blathering about how he wanted to quit school and be a truck driver.

"I'm gonna get one of those big beautiful Peterbuilts, with all the running lights everywhere. Or maybe a Mack with an extended cab..."

"Better brew him a pot of coffee," I told his mother. "The final is in a half hour, and he's only semi-conscious."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cja1968
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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Officially a dad

My wife and I just had our first yesterday. My son was less than 10 minutes old when the doctor was doing some post delivery stitching for my wife.

My wife said: "how many stitches is it going to be?"

Doc: "we're not actually counting stitches with this, it's a running stitch"

Without missing a beat, I said "is it going after the fridge?"

There was very brief pause of activity in the room, and then soft chuckles and head shakes. Someone muttered "that's a good one". I feel like I've been inaugurated.

Edit: to everyone confused by this, I'll explain

Back when landlines were the main way of calling people, and cellphones and caller ID was rare (or non-existent), making crank calls was a.... common past-time.

One of the common ones was went like this:

Victim: "hello?"

Pranker: "hi, is your fridge running?"

Victim: "yes, why?"

Pranker: "well then you better go catch it!"

And then you hang up. So the joke here is that because it was a "running stitch" it was running to catch the fridge.

<ba-dum tsss>

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cbstryker
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2021
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Red Cross nurse

A guy walks into a bar and trips and falls sustaining a horrible injury. "Hold still," the bartender exclaims. "We have a Red Cross nurse right here that can help you!" "Just my luck," mutters the guy, "Why couldn't I have a blonde cheerful nurse instead?"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Firegoat1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2022
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My 14 year old made me proud

I was driving them to a friend's house and we were sitting at an intersection waiting for a clear space for me to turn left. It was unusually busy for the side streets we live on and I muttered "where is all this traffic coming from?".

Without hesitation, they said "from the right".

A tear of pride may have been shed

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GeorgeBronx
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2022
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Challenge: Poke a hole in a tomato, put it to your mouth and empty the contents. Will you fail?

Or will you suck seed?

(Told this to my wife while we were making dinner and I couldn't stop laughing. She may have broken a smirk and muttered something about divorce).

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhilipWaterford
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2022
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Never buy online

A disgruntled-looking wizard walks into a bar, flings down a book, and orders a drink. "What's wrong with you?" the bartender asks. "It's this stupid Book of Incantations that I bought online," the wizard mutters. "It's completely useless. The author clearly forgot to run a spell check.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Firegoat1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2021
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So my daughter, getting frustrated, asked me why she can’t understand what I’m saying.

And I told her because I’m your Mutter

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shelovesghost
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2022
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Blonde joke.

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of whiskey.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender: β€œHey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: β€œBefore you tell that joke, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know four things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat, the bouncer is a blonde girl with a club, I’m a 6-foot tall blonde woman with a black belt in karate and the woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters: β€œNo, not if I’m gonna have to explain it four times.”

πŸ‘︎ 209
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2021
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Not mine, I'll explain the sauce in the comments

A man runs into a bar breathing heavily and looking distraught. The bartender asks what's wrong, but the man only replies, "I need 12 shots of your finest liquor, now!" The bartender, though confused, gives him the 12 shots and the man quickly gulps them down one after another, still looking anxious and sweating bullets. Halfway through the bartender asks again what's wrong, but the man just keeps drinking. Once the man is finished, he slams down the last shotglass and mutters under his breath, "If you had what I did, you'd be drinking with fervor too." The bartender, very confused asks what the man has? The man jumps up, yells, "52 cents!" and runs out the door.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Entias
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2021
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A nervous teenage stick of butter approached his parents because he felt very clarified lately.

He sat his parents down and muttered: "mom, dad, I'm ghee".

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boetzie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2021
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How did the Vikings come to be called Norwegians?

People ask me sometimes, they say ( because they are wise to seek my counsel on this matter), "how is it that Norsemen came to be known as "Norwegians"?"

You see, back in days of Yore, when Norsemen first got it in their heads that the Brits and the Picts were a puny lot, ripe for the harvest so to speak, they first scouted the area by pretending to be tourists. They found themselves a nice sidewalk cafe operated by a couple limey weasels, and set their boots heavily on the outdoor table and ordered up a corned beast suitable to their needs. And ale. They needed some ale. You can't smash a horn down and demand "more ale, wench!" In a loud, commanding voice if you haven't had any in the first place.

The waitress was a slip of a lass, dark-complected, demure and quiet to match her appearance. She stammered out that, being a Green Initiative business, Ale was not only unavailable but philosophically out of place. But they had some lovely tea with a hint of lavender...

Thorrfin Skullsplitter leaned forward at this news, and bellowed, "we are not teetotalers!", pounding his fist on the iron-lace table.

Lenny Mcgreasel, one of the cafe's two owners, heard the commotion and injected his condescending, servile whine to the conversation, "is there anything we can bring the large gentlemen from our menu?", gesticulating to the hand-crafted hemp/flaxseed menu depicting what could only be described as a garden, rather than a list of things to eat.

Thorrfin's mate, Snorri Log-Bender, immediately ordered, as if he'd been thinking about this moment for some time, "what I'd like is to have some bacon salad"

Thorrfin was still muttering in his beard over not being a teetotaler. " I'm sorry sir, we only serve as food that which has grown fresh from the garden"' the waitress chirped. That was the last straw. With a shove of his boot, and a full dose of disgust, the table flew backwards.

"C'mon, Snorri", he said in disgust, and he stood, once again emoting, "we are not teetotalers"

Just then another small-faced waitress popped around the corner carrying tofu laced with kale and and whole-grain brown rice. Snorri saw his chance, and with a face of disgust he emoted,

"Nor Vegans"

And with that they bid their their host a hostile farewell, only to return two weekends later with a fully armed force of Vikings,- and established what would become the preeminent fast food of a millennia, fish and chips, served only with the darkest stout.

To hear the Engl

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMightyViking
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2021
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Did you hear about the new TV show called The Walking Dad?

It’s about dads who walk around the house all day turning off lights and muttering that they’re β€œnot made of money.”

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2021
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How did the Hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RDS
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2019
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What do you say to a girl with a broken nose?

I broke my nose in a really stupid horse-related accident in Montana.

Dad takes me to the local walk-in clinic. It's mostly empty, as it's around 7pm. As we're giving the insurance information and whatnot to the receptionist, Dad is busy doing that thing where he's texting without his cheaters so he's having to squint and hold the phone away and he's really not paying attention to some question the receptionist is asking...

So I whack him on the arm (with a towel held to my face) and say "Dad, pay attention."

Unblinking, he turns in my direction, without even looking directly at me, he mutters "Shut up, or I'll hit you again."

The receptionist was not pleased. He told the same joke to the doctor who stitched me up, and he laughed his ass off.

Actually, dad cracked so many jokes that the doctor kept having to pause while stitching up my nose. He took so long that the anesthetic wore off and I could definitely feel the last few stitches.

Dr: "Now sir, the stitches are going to cause your daughter's nose to swell quite a bit." Dad: "EVEN BIGGER!? That's amazing!"

Me: "Shut up Dad". Dad: (pinching his nose, speaking nasally) "Shut up Dad".

Unamused 18 year old daughter.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wanderingstar625
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2013
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Grandad always hated the milkman

My grandad always hated the milkman. Every time the guy limped up to the door (he’d had his foot damaged in the war) to drop off our delivery grandad would always grumble and mutter. I asked the old man what he had against the milkman. I never got a good answer.

It wasn’t until years later that I figured out that grandad was just lack toes intolerant.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlephInfite
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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My actual dad reading the newspaper out loud "learn to play piano by ear!"

Then he mutters under his breath "I'd rather use my fingers"

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mattc_guitar
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
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(UK) A B-road walks into a bar.

The B-road starts bragging extensively about his status as a B-road. The bar staff and patrons aren't impressed.

Then, an A-road struts in. The A-road immediately starts criticising the B-road, whilst also bragging about his own status. The two get into a big argument, and the patrons are starting to get riled up.

Then, a motorway barges his way into the bar, and starts boasting that he is better than the A-road and B-road combined. The argument escalates, and some customers grab their belongings, preparing to leave.

And then, a solid white line walks into the bar.

The whole bar falls silent. The argument stops dead in its tracks, and the three roads immediately disperse, avoiding eye contact with the new customer.

The solid white line goes up to the bar, orders a drink, and consumes it slowly. The bar is still silent. As soon as he is finished, the solid white line turns and leaves the bar without a word. The three roads breathe a sigh of relief.

The barman is astounded. "What the hell was that about?!" he exclaims.

"We don't mess with him" mutters the motorway.

"Why not?"

"He's a cycle path".

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
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Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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Old joke, my daughter loved it.

A trio of explorers were hiking through the Congo and found a small village that was very isolated and not on any map. The villagers turned out to speak English very well, and informed the adventurers very politely that theirs was a village of cannibals and they were to be cooked and eaten, and their hides tanned and turned into canoes for the villagers, but they would allow them to take their own life however they saw fit.

The first man asks for a sharp knife, slices his wrists open, and mutters "Lay me down and bleed a while, and ne'er up again."

The second man asks for his revolver, says "For God and Country!" and shoots himself in the head.

The last man asks for a fork, and stabs himself repeatedly screaming "Fuck your canoe!"

πŸ‘︎ 239
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimvoluntaryist
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2013
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My son dadjoked himself

I heard my son mutter something to himself as he turned the light on in another room. I asked him what he said.

"I said, 'Let me shed some light on things.' "

That's a classic that I use every chance I get. I'm so proud!

πŸ‘︎ 943
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2016
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Got my gf at the gym

My lady and I workout together during the week. Yesterday was chest day and we usually start with incline DB press. She pumps out her second set very well: controlled reps, full range of motion. I was proud to see her progress. She said the weight felt easy, to which I replied, "you could increase the weight... if you were so inclined." She muttered "oh my goodness..." and walked away.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hu_lee_oh
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2014
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Isaac Newton is sitting under a tree one day...

... when something falls out of the tree and hits him on the head.

He picks up the fallen object and examines it, then declares, β€œWhy, some invisible force must have pulled this apple to the ground!”

A passerby overhears the famed scientist, then mutters, β€œFucking idiot doesn’t know one fruit from another,” before shouting, β€œHey! That’s a fig, Newton!”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2018
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A joke I made in class

My teacher was talking about the first monopolies in the US and he said that some employees went on strike because they were working around the clock. So I muttered under my breath, "How are we supposed to work with this freaking clock in the way!?" I got sent outside.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lightedd333
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2015
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Young Billy Finally Lands a Date for the Prom

He really wants to impress her, so he decides to rent a tux. However, when he gets to the rental place, people are queued up out the door. He doesn't let this stop him, though. He takes his place in line and gets to waiting.

Finally, after waiting for over an hour, he gets fitted and pays for the rental. Relieved, he heads to the florist for a corsage, only to discover that the line there is also out the door, and halfway around the block, to boot!

Miffed, he mutters some mild obscenities, but he is determined to see this through, so he waits for almost 2 hours before finally being able to buy the flowers he picked out.

It's now the night of the dance, and he's ready to go. He picks her up, and they head to the event. When they arrive, his date immediately asks him if he can grab her a drink - she's absolutely parched! Still determined to make this the best night of her life, he dutifully makes his way to the other side of the venue, where he discovers, much to his surprise...

 

 

 

There's no punch line.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rolling_Man
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2018
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Y'know working in a DIY/Hardware store has it's odd moments.

Last week I caught someone trying to steal a light bulb! When I asked them if they needed help the person quickly shoved the bulb into their mouth and muttered. "Nah mate just looking for a light snack!" and walked off.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearinthegarden14
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2018
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My coworker's goat is pregnant

She has been checking on her constantly. Finally today she yells "She's kidding!" and I mutter, you never get that excited about my jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 126
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mydrunktwinsister
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2015
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Confused Mom and a belly laugh from Dad

We were eating dinner. Mom was complaining about her Wendy's broccoli & cheese baked potato. She quietly said "gee whiz...", so I give it a second and respond "no. CHEESE whiz."

After a few more seconds my mom mutters "whaaat?" while my Dad's face is contracting.

Unreasonably high levels of pride followed.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/r3ynoldswrap
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2014
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My dad can't help himself, he tells dad jokes even when nobody listens

I'm in the kitchen with my mom and dad, when my sister walks into the room.

Sister: Mom guess what?!

Mom: What?

Sister: I ran into Beth at Target earlier today!

Dad (quietly mutters to himself): Ouch...

Mom and sister continue conversation as if nothing happened.

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nross17
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2014
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At A Culture Fest

We're a thoroughly American family with German/Danish roots. For fun we went to a Greek culture festival as a different kind of Friday night. As soon as we're through the gate, he turns to my youngest brother and mutters:

"Everything seems so...foreign."

He was so pleased with himself that he repeated it to each one of us separately.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/voodoo_stingray
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2016
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Paying attention

I was playing a video game, and the protagonist mutters "I don't remember this place."

Dad: "I don't either!"

Me: "Maybe you should pay attention more!"

Dad: "Eh, Attention doesn't deserve the money."

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SMS450
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2014
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My uncle got my cousin really good yesterday

We were talking about a news article about a guy who was embezzling money and my cousin says "it gets better, wait until you hear his girlfriend's name, it hilarious" to which my uncle mutters "hmm hilarious? That's a weird name"

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/horbob
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2014
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This dad joke is all right...

When I pulled in to my parents' driveway yesterday afternoon, my dad was working on his car and I heard him mutter "Goddamn it".

I asked him "Is everything all right?"

He replied "No, some things are half left."

πŸ‘︎ 133
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JamesSmits
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2013
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I was going around the room asking students their names, when I got to one girl who said her name was β€œEmmy”.

β€œNot to be confused with β€˜Oscar’,” I muttered silently in shame.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KierkeBored
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2018
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Cooking dinner with my dad.

I was about to start getting things out of the fridge to start making dinner. As i grab the handle my dad yells, "Stop!" as loud as he could. I freeze and quickly look up at him as he just mutters, "Dinner time" and starts humming the 'Cant touch this' tune.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bananana69
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2014
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My dads comment at Thanksgiving dinner last year..

Mutters to himself under his breath.. "And I'll take some dark meat because I'm not racist."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fookyeshockey
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2014
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Got my friend today

We were touring a college and walked by the geology room, it had a bunch of rocks on display.

I muttered "I bet this class rocks"

After we laugh and he punches me, I say "Aw cmon that ones a classic"

He agrees

Then I say "Yeah it was a real gem"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wootiown
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2017
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Making dadjokes when you can barely talk isn't easy, but I did it.

At work today, a friend of mine came in with two dried Carolina Reaper peppers. If you aren't familiar with these bad boys, they are hotter than Lucifer's testicles themselves. 2.2 Million Scoville units. Two times hotter than the ghost pepper.

To put it into perspective, a jalapeno is about 5000 scoville units. This one was 2.2 fucking million.

Anyway. I walked past my buddy's desk and he asked if I wanted some of the pepper.

OF COURSE I DID!!!

He gave me 1/4 of one of these little peppers and he even dared me to chew it for 15 seconds before swallowing. Which I did. To say that my mouth felt like the burning hemorrhoids of satans budding asshole would be a vast understatement.

One of the girls who sat near my buddy looks at me -- pacing back and forth around the room, sweating, crying -- and she says:

>"Cane-Dewey, are you alright!?"

I could barely breathe let alone speak. But through all the pain and angush, I still managed to mutter out:

>"No, I'm half left.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cane-Dewey
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2014
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My boss didn't grant me time off this season

Disappointed, I muttered under my breath "gimme a break"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/resolvetotonic
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2017
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My mum was reading out a missing dog advert on Facebook...

She read out the last sentence that said "If you have any information, please contact owner."

My dad just muttered under his breath "That's a funny name."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AH_Rebecca
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2015
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I broke my arm just above the elbow.

When I went in to have it fixed, they said they would have to put me under. I woke up with the doctor looking at me with a very concerned and somewhat guilty look on his face. "It seems I have operated on the wrong part," he said. I looked down and my knee was all bandaged up. All I could mutter was "This is not humerus."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YoureAMuenster
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2017
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My new phone case

My iPhone, complete with the hardy Otterbox case, fell on the floor today in front of my dad. I picked it up and muttered "...and people ask me why I use this massive Otterbox."

My dad said: "right, its just in case."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/da3mite
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2014
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And lo, an angel appeared unto the prophet Isaiah, and said:

Angel: "Behold! I exceed ninety degrees!"

Isaiah: "Uh... what?"

And the angel gave no explanation and vanished.

Isaiah muttered: "What an obtuse angel."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2016
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