Anyone want my old copies of Chiropractor Monthly....
I've got loads of back issues.
I told my son if he farted in the car he would have to give me 10$ of his 100$ monthly allowance.
I always get my 10 Per-Scent
I wonder how much the monthly bill is for toilet paper at the hospital
I paid a car dealership a monthly fee to drive a car for 2 years then after that I would return the car to the dealer...
It was the leased of my worries.
Have you heard about the new subscription service, that Gary Lineker has launched? 28 portions of green tea delivered monthly.
It’s called Matcha the Day
Why is a woman"s monthly called a period?
Because colon was already taken.
Which monthly climate hits the most?
I kept receiving broken yo-yo's from the new monthly yo-yo subscription
Well, they said there weren't any strings attached
Got my girlfriend with my monthly joke (again)
"It's OK baby, I know you're not really mad at me, you're just ovary acting!"
Why isn't there a monthly magazine about guns called Clip?
Have you seen this month's issue of Pylons Monthly magazine?
It has some shocking images.
Month puns
Help, I need a name pun for February. December was Decemburr, Jan-NEW-ary, etc...thanks in advance
When we first met you said you liked month puns and now you're telling me you never did...
Why July in the first place?
I'm an atheist 11 months out of the year, but in December...
What is the best month to drink a lot of beer?
September, October, November, and December should have been the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th month.
Whoever screwed this up—- I hope he got stabbed.
Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, you're brother named them for you.
Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.
9 months from now, there will be a baby boom. 13 years later, will give rise to the next generation, known as....
9 months really isn't that long...
It just feels like a maternity.
What's the one month all soldiers hate?
And just like that, 2020 won. Better start trainimg for the rematch in 12 months...it will be 2020 two.
What's the Lion King's favorite month?
I spent a solid month stitching together old wristwatches to make a belt
It was a waist of time...
3 months since I had COVID and I’ve still got very little sense of taste.
Sometimes I just find myself settling down on the sofa, opening up Netflix and sticking on Friends
He was sentenced to drinking spruce tea or leaving for 6 months because he was teaching the youth how to be passive-aggressive. His disciple Playdoh wrote half a screenplay about him before giving up and finding a real job.
I finally kicked out my girlfriend about six months ago, and it's been nothing but Happy Days for me since.
The bitch took all the other box sets.
I haven’t had a haircut in months, and I normally hate long hair, but I told my wife...
To all of you who have been disowned by fathers. In honor of pride month and on behalf of all dads of R/dadjokes I just wanna say, buffalo.
Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister's math homework.
Now we're waiting to see if she passes algebra.
It's been 6 months since I've had chicken.
Hippie gets 3 months late on rent...So the landlord knocks on his door to let him know he’s being evicted
He opens the door and tells him “Namaste”.
I caught my little 4 month old niece chewing on her hand
So I turned to my wife and asked, who gave her the handburger? 🍔
Last month I launched a book aimed at children.
I’m pleased to say I hit one of them
Yup I quit cold turkey last month.
Warmed in the microwave is so much better.
My wifi password is the cat's birthday month
I am giving up drinking for a month.
Sorry, that came out wrong.
I am giving up. Drinking for a month.
i’m giving up masturbating for an entire month
sorry, poor punctuation.
i’m giving up! masturbating for an entire month.
I have to tell someone about this because I'm at home alone with my 2 year old and 11 month old, and they're to young to understand my best dad joke ever.
My 2 year old has cereal in her snack cup and just showed me that there was a piece of cereal in her sleeve. I said, "Looks like you got some tricks up your sleeve." GUESS WHAT KIND OF CEREAL SHE WAS EATING!.....IT WAS TRIX!
Edit: Thanks for my first gold!
I learned about these people in history class last month I feel smart
I haven’t showered for 3 months
I don’t know why I’d be in the shower that long, just think of the water bill that’d make!
What was Jeffrey Dahmer's favourite month?
In what month was Shrek born?
Oct-ogre
(Credit to my 4-y old!)
My birthday is on July 24th, shame I was born in america. If I was born anywhere else....
my birthday would be 24/7
The creature of the month: Octobe(a)r!
Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii...
Last month my doctor told me, "Bob, this is seriously urgent. You really have to start drinking less vodka."
I've been out to at least 40 different bars since then, but no one seems to carry that brand. Anyone know where to find it?
Since my daughter was born I haven't slept for 11 months.
Because that would be entirely too long.
The prosecutor offered the ballet dancer two choices after she did not pay her mountain of parking tickets. A) Say guilty, pay them off, and get probation for 6 months or B) Say Not Guilty and go to trial and perhaps serve 6 months in jail.
My daughter asked how old she will be next month.
My daughter woke me around 11:50pm last night. My wife and I picked her up from her friend Sally’s birthday party, brought her home and put her to bed. My wife went to the bedroom to read and I fell asleep watching basketball.
“Daddy”, she whispered tugging my shirt.
“Guess how old I’ll be next month?”
“I don’t know, honey.” I said as I slipped on my glasses. “How old?”
She smiled and held up 4 fingers.
It’s now 7:30am. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours. She still refuses to tell us where she got them.
The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...
"...40 second birthday".
I was so proud.
December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas.
Some insist on a shirt.
Others insist on a pair of socks.
The argument always ends in a tie.
It wasn’t much fun when I broke my neck in an accident a few months ago.
But now I can look back and laugh.
What Month Is the Opposite of November?
Anyone need old copies of Chiropractor Monthly?
I have lots of back issues.
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell in a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.
The woman asked the doctor about the baby.
The doctor: Congratulations. You had twins, both boys. They're both fine. And your brother named them a for you.
Woman: No. No. No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name them?
Doctor: He named one of them Pete, after your deceased father as he told me.
Woman: Oh that's actually a very nice name. What did he name the other boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs RePete.
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily your brother named them for you.
Woman: oh no, not my brother, what an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy?
Doctor: Denephew.
A 3 months pregnant woman fell in a coma
After 6 months, she woke up and asked the doctor about her kids, the doctor said "you had twins and they're both fine". She then asked who names them. The doctor said her brother then the woman started going "No, no, no, no, no, no." The doctor asked what's wrong. The woman said "my brother's an idiot! What'd he name them?" The doctor said "he named the girl Denise. The woman said "oh, that's not bad, what'd he name the boy?" The doctor said "Denephew."
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