Minutes To Midnight Puns

It was 2 minutes to midnight.

HI I’m Tim the turtle, yes a real turtle. And I would like to tell you the story of my best friend. I once had a friend by the name of Sam. Sam of course was a clam. A real live honest to goodness clam. He was my best buddy, but unfortunately he smoked and drank and ran around with loose women (and a few men). I was more of the goodie two shoes type. I never drank, never smoked, I didn’t even swear. But for some reason Sam and I were the best of friends. I guess you can say we were the epitome of opposites attracting. One day as we were hanging out walking along the beach Sam, after his fifth cigarette in a row, had a heart attack and died. I was heart broken. My best friend died right there in front of me and he never repented his evil ways. I was sure he would spend eternity in damnation. Sigh. Being the goodie two shoes type I was still extremely healthy well into my old age. I missed my friend terribly for many years. On his birthday I would host a party and invite his old stripper girlfriends and poker buddies around to relive stories. It was always a fun evening, but in the end left me more lonely than before. Eventually, my broken heart couldn’t stand it anymore and I too died. I was pleased to find that there was a heaven. Being an almost saint I was whisked directly past the line to the Pearly Gates to be greeted by St. Peter. A big grin erupted on his face and he came right around his desk to give me a great big hug. “Tim”, he said, “You have been such a good person back on earth that God has asked me to grant you any wish you would like before even entering heaven”. To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement. I thought for a minute, I guess God expected me to ask for more time on earth, but I knew what I really wanted to do was to visit with my old friend Sam. So I asked. Poor St. Peter didn’t know what to say. You know Sam is in Hell right? Well I knew that was a strong possibility so I wasn’t surprised. Peter excused himself for a while and went to check with the big guy himself. He was gone quite some time, but eventually he returned. Peter said my request was approved, but under a few conditions. First, I would have to carry a golden harp as a passport back into heaven. This harp could only be carried by a good soul so I couldn’t be replaced by a look alike demon. Second, I would have to return by midnight. God didn’t want me to face too much temptation. I agreed to these conditions and took the highway down to hell. (Nope n

Some friends and I got together and went to a pub to celebrate the turning of the year.

We ordered our food and drinks a few minutes before 12am. As it struck midnight, the entire bar celebrated, and all the waitresses took a break and hugged and wished each other.

It took them a while to get back to serving all the orders. When our waitress finally brought our order, it was well past midnight.

At this point I couldn't stop giggling like a little school girl, but my friends gave me a look of disapproval.

As she was putting the dishes on the table, I said to her, "What took you so long? We've been waiting all year".

Dead silence.

One out my friends looks down in shame, the other looked to the waitress, waiting for her reaction.

She had frozen, her arm holding the dish above the table. Without looking directly at me, she said in dry voice "good one".

But as she put the remainder of the order on the table and turned away, I saw a smile on her face.

This has been a high point for me all year long.

I was just listening to 2 Minutes to Midnight, then I looked at the time and said, "It's actually 24 minutes to midnight!"

This is probably more topical humor, but I'm a dad and I'm proud of this one.

My wife and I (and our 18-month-old daughter) went to our friends' house (also a married couple, 3 children) for the new year's celebration. About 10 minutes after midnight, Dave (the male in the other relationship) said, "What was Chris Brown's biggest hit?"

Without skipping a beat, I instantly reply, "Rihanna."

EDIT: Spelling.