Hamish vs Andy microphone pun, puntastic.
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Homeblest
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2020
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Went to the store yesterday and bought a single cherry and some microphone equipment

Bought-a-Bing, Bought-a-boom

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peon2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the spies who planted tiny microphones inside a box of tic-tacs?

They were in four mints.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JiminyKirket
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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He was tucking in his shirt after the microphone was attached why ?

He talks from his ass.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JaggedSolid6
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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I went shopping at a cherry stand and then a microphone store.

Bought a Bing. Bought a boom.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
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A man walks up to a microphone stand.

Man: would all the Mike's stand up please?

a few men stand up

Man: thank you, this concludes the Mike check

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I just saw Charlie Chaplin and Marcel Marceau throwing a microphone into the sea.

I guess it's true what they say: Great mimes sink a mic.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jacknutting
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
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I went to go shopping for cherries and microphones the other day. Bought a bing, bought a boom.
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sheineken
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
🚨︎ report
I own a microphone that was made in Poland.

I own a Czech one too.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/froo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
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Why did the ghost invest in a fancy microphone?

because he preferred to be heard in scary-o.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mistermajik2000
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the microphone with lips? He was a loudmouth.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cart0166
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the microphone checker that got really drunk?

He had one two one two one two many.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2019
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I’ve installed podiums and microphones all over my ship.

They’re just for deck oration.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/procrastiprov
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
🚨︎ report
I bought a microphone so I can talk about different types of injuries.

Tear sting tear sting

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a small cell phone?

A microphone

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Theodore3216
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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I'm so ready to be a dad

I really want to have a daughter and name her Zelda.

I imagine, as she gets older she will spend all her time writing sick poetry and rhymes in her journal, growing her hair down to her back, not to spite me, but so she can donate it later, and expand her wit by studying improv comedy through highschool.

As she becomes famous, I hope she will invite me to one of her rap battles and put me in the front row. My heart will grow as she takes the stage, but fatherly intuition tells me something is wrong...Zelda is frozen at the microphone.

I see her up on the stage, eyes alight with fright, hair pulled tight into a bun. She and I lock eyes, a moment of silence passes and serenity slowly enters...THIS is the moment we have been waiting for all our lives.

Looking up calmly, I couldn't be more proud as I exclaim, "Rap puns, Zel. Rap puns, Zel! Let down your hair!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImDyxlesic-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What are two advantages of a singer not using an electric microphone?

Its cheaper, and better for the environment, so its Eco-no-mic

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sunburnt-Vampire
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2015
🚨︎ report
Ohm my!!
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dankmonseiur69
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2017
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My dad wanted to know what microphone I'd recommend

He showed me his audio catalog and asked me for "sound advice".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bongsaway
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2013
🚨︎ report
So my Microwave broke

Right now we've got a standard whirlpool. One basic box, with a rotating center tray. No frills.

I'm looking at a newer model. It's split in the center, and there's a second rotating tray. Also, it's voice activated.

What do you think?

Should I stick with what I've got or should I get Two Turn Tables and a Microphone?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DairyCanary5
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
🚨︎ report
New weights and measures
  1. The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds17. 52 cards = 1 decacards18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin22. 10 rations = 1 decoration23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
🚨︎ report
If Yoda went on stage to introduce the band β€œGuess Who,” the audience would be so confused.

He’d come to the microphone and simply say β€œGuess Who, this is”

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Timbuktu

This has long been one of my favorite jokes. I'd credit the original writer if I could:

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was literature student from Harvard. The other finalist was a lineman from Alabama. They each would have one minute to compose a poem rhyming the word "Timbuktu."

They drew straws, and Princeton student was to go first. He sat and thought for a few seconds, then spoke into the microphone: "Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination -- Timbuktu.”

The crowd went wild, certain the Alabama kid was done for. The clock started, and he just stared at the crowd. Then, when everyone thought he was finished, out of nowhere he said:

β€œTim and me, a-huntin' went. Met three girls in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/qbedo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2017
🚨︎ report
Got my dad good at the Rose Bowl

So we're at the football game and it's really bright and hot for the whole first half. At the start of the third quarter, it's getting to be late afternoon and my dad says, "Nice the sun's almost gone."

And I replied, "Actually Dad, I'm gonna stay for the rest of the game."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HattrickMarleau
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2014
🚨︎ report
MC Dad

Dad: "I'm gonna be doing some wrapping"

Me: "Where's the microphone?"

I GOT HIM TO EYEROLL, it was magical

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πŸ‘€︎ u/silasioalejandro
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2013
🚨︎ report
Me: Can I get a number one with tots and a lemonade, no lettuce on my burger please?

The guy at Burger Place who took my order: "No problem, LETTUCE take care of that for you!"

My eyes rolled so hard I'm pretty sure he heard them through the microphone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlexlnWonderland
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2017
🚨︎ report
A reporter nearly erupts.

So a news anchor is interviewing the avatar of a hawaiian volcano, a man made of molten rock. The interview goes well, but the volcano god cant' seem to stop staring at the reporter's chest with his eyes of burning, liquid stone. She plays it cool, but waits for the interview to be over to call the spirit on his rude actions. He looks her in the eyes, then points to her exposed microphone, clipped to her lapelle. "What do you call that," he asks.

It's a Lavalier mic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/necrotechnical
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2014
🚨︎ report
Got blue balls because of this one

So my girlfriend was giving me a blowjob and decided to use my penis as a microphone to do some stand-up comedy.

Her: "Welcome, welcome, to the stand-up of the century. Ask me if I'm a tree."

Me: "Are you a tree?"

Her: "No."

Me: "Don't take it personally, but I think your stand-up is a bit hard to swallow."

She stopped and I got blue balls because of this, but hell it was worth it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clayton_69
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2014
🚨︎ report
I went to go shopping for cherries and microphones the other day: bought a bing, bought a boom.
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AspenTD
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2017
🚨︎ report
I went shopping for cherries and a microphone the other day...

Bought a bing. Bought a boom.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/htimsmith
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I went to go shopping for cherry's and microphones the other day

Bought a bing bought a boom

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/__st4__
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Purchased a cherry and a microphone

Bought a bing, bought a boom

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πŸ‘€︎ u/latelobster
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Went shopping for a cherry and a microphone...

Bought a bing, Bought a boom..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MilPens
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2018
🚨︎ report
I went shopping for cherries and microphones the other day

Bought a bing, bought a boom

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/retinapro
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2017
🚨︎ report
Went to the store yesterday to buy a cherry and a microphone stand.

Bought a Bing, bought a boom.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mycareer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2017
🚨︎ report

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