Obi-Wan is tired of teaching Luke dinner table manners

Luke: eating with hands, spilling dinner everywhere

Obi-Wan: Use the fork, Luke

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Esmeralda_i
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
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Which prehistoric reptile had the best manners?

The Please-iosaur.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gigadanman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
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Three guys: Shutup, Manners and Poop are speeding down a road

They crash and Poop falls out. Shutup runs to the nearby police station asking for help. A policeman asks β€œWhat’s your name?” β€œShutup” β€œExcuse me? Where are your manners?” the policeman replies β€œOut on the road scraping up Poop!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BirdieA
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
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There was a fire at the yodeling school. Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ohsureyoudo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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What do you call a British guy when he has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?

PunGent

Tried posting in Dad jokes sub and I guess it was the wrong place for a triple pun.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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Which of Santa's reindeer needs to mind his manners the most ?

Rudeolph.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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It's good to have bed manners
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2018
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What comes before thunder and knows its manners?

A polightning

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kaze_no_saga
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
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There were 3 guys, Shutup, Manners, and Crap.

They were walking across the road one day and Crap fell down, so Shutup went to get help. He comes across a policeman and he asks Shutup, "What's your name?"

He replies, "Shutup".

The policeman :"Hey, where are you manners?!"

Shutup says, "Outside on the road picking up crap"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DillBourne
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
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Foal manners
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HemperorSean
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2019
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Don't expect good manners from a rude Frenchman.

They show no merci.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
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Sourdough is the most well-mannered deli ingredient, because it's well-bread.

But it's not the funniest: it doesn't have that rye sense of humor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/teuast
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2017
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I was teaching my daughter manners and telling her why it's impolite to fart next to people when I realized

I was giving her a toot-orial

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2017
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What do you call a monster with great manners?

Thankenstien...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honeyruinmusic
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2018
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What did the Vulcan manner’s teacher say to his students?

Live long and proper.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebluebox3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2018
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Ever since I killed one of my chickens with the lawn mower...

all manner of scary, haunting things are happening to me. I may have a poultrygeist.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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What do you call an elongated fish with excellent manners?

...Genteel.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LogiWan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2016
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Dad calls me up and tells me, "On this October 21, 2015, I see most of the people with bad manners are gone ...

... we're Back to the Few Churls."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlking3
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2015
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Q. What's the most important thing you can do with crude oil?

A. Teach it proper manners!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
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My friend walks into my room and starts tying knots in my charging cable.

Without hesitating, I respond, "You know, that's knot in a cord with what most people call good manners."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eThunderSnow
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
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We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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Hi. My name is DAK.

Hi. My name is DAK. A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender says β€œsorry sir we don’t serve string here”. He then proceeds to tie him into a knot and throw in outside. Whilst outside, a pack of feral canines attack the piece of string until his fibers are loosened in a disheveled manner. The piece of string them proceeds to re enter the bar in need of medical assistance. β€œHey, aren’t you the string I just threw out?” Asks the bartender. β€œNo sir,” replies the string, β€œI’m a frayed knot”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/USMPShauserC
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
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As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...

He's ill-mannered!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2019
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30 Skeleton puns. Can you handle the skull rattling mayhem?

The Duke of Dance: If i don't stop soon, you're really gonna have a bone to pick with me.

The Duke of Dance: I need to stop being such a numbskull.

The Duke of Dance: help.

Sans: I gotta write these down.

The Duke of Dance: I don't have enough backbone to deal with my own shit

The Duke of Dance: but that's tibea expected.

Sans: I find this humerus.

The Duke of Dance: damn

The Duke of Dance: stole my next one.

The Duke of Dance: I'm not fibulaing you when i say, i'm running out of material. I'm really trying to think of more puns here, but i'm patellaing you, i'm out.

Sans: I don't even know this many bone names.

The Duke of Dance: My cranium is empty. i'm running bone-dry here.

The Duke of Dance: But you'r quite sternum in your wanting of these puns.

The Duke of Dance: don't worry, i'll stop temporalily. Not really tho.

The Duke of Dance: I'm taking these puns to the maxilla.

Sans: Can you make a pelvis pun?

The Duke of Dance: Not really. I can't think of any. So no hip hip hooray here.

Sans: That was alright.

The Duke of Dance: Are you having a femury time?

The Duke of Dance: I find myself sacruming to the need to make puns.

The Duke of Dance: helpican'tstop

Sans: I'm having a pun time.

The Duke of Dance: I'm gonna turbinate my puns, cuz i'm on my last leg-bones here.

The Duke of Dance: i'm getting desperate, you can tell.

The Duke of Dance: I didn't name a specific bone.

The Duke of Dance: Which is almost completely mandableitory.

The Duke of Dance: I have made more puns tonight than i have in a LONG time.

The Duke of Dance: Throw me a bone here, have i made enough skeleton puns?

Sans: There will never be enough skeleton puns. Mind makin' a list for me?

The Duke of Dance: Do

The Duke of Dance: Do you want me to write everything i just said down for you?

The Duke of Dance: I'm quivering at the thought of coming up with more skeleton puns.

Sans: I don't see any arrows.

Sans: Don't be a lazy bones, come up with more.

The Duke of Dance: I'll see you later, my vertebrah.

Sans: Have you any backbone?

The Duke of Dance: I already made that one.

The Duke of Dance: :3

Sans: SCREW IT, I'M MAKING ANOTHER

The Duke of Dance: Not so easy coming up with fresh material, is it?

The Duke of Dance: Also, "quiver" is another name for one of your joints.

The Duke of Dance: I'm just really looking at medical sites for this shit.

Sans: CURSE YOU GOOGLE.

The Duke of Dance: it's tibea expected. <Favorite skeleton pun, using it again

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2015
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Got a twofer on the wife today.

Driving into work, we see a vehicle with stickers for oars/boats on it placed in a horizontal manner.

Wife: "Looks like that guy likes to row."

Me: "Huh. I prefer columns myself."

Wife: (groan) "So, you like to column?"

Me: "Yeah, on the phone. I leave a message if I can't get a hold of 'em."

Wife: (GROAN) "You're the worst...but I love you."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zero44
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2015
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I had booked a U2 for my wife's birthday party... (x-post /r/jokes)

Unfortunately they had to cancel. Luckily I found a replacement at the last minute. This new guy was amazing. He looked the part, sang all the songs exactly, and even his mannerisms were spot on.

After the party I went up to the replacement and asked how much I owed him for the gig. He said, "Don't worry mate, I'm pro Bono."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jskoker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2017
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Back in high school I was watching a baseball game with my dad

He was carrying on about the game in a manner the tv announcers would. Me: "Wow Dad you would make a great commentator." Dad: "Maybe, but I'm not your every day potato."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AsLongAsYouKnow
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2017
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My father's table joke

While sitting at the table eating dinner, my mother pointed her fork at my father saying "Fork you!"

My father replied, "That's not very knife! Hopefully spoon you will learn your manners!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_love_fatties
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2013
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The student surpasses the teacher

I have an autistic student who doesn't pick up on sarcasm, social cues and the like.

We were painting paper mache volcanoes that we made. Another staff member says "Don't put too much paint on because it will run."

Without missing a beat the student asks (in a serious manner) "How can it run if it doesn't have legs?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Paranoid_Pancake
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2014
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My high school history teacher used this one on me once.

He was the cool guy teacher, so all the guys were always all buddy buddy with him. We would generally speak to him in a less professional manner. One day I said "hey teacher, I'm gonna go take a piss." To which he promptly responded, "You might want to leave one instead."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Elmikey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2013
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"How was the flight?"

The plane started losing altitude pretty rapidly at point during the flight. Thankfully, it was in a controlled manner, and only toward the end once we'd reached the airport.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shadowthunder
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2013
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Physics can be confusing.

Now, I am not a dad, but I told my father this joke and he giggled, so I feel like it still counts as a dad joke. In a unit on wave mechanics, my class was discussing pendulums. As we talked about pendulums and how they related to wave mechanics, my buddy said, in a contemplative manner, "I just don't know what to think about pendulums." I responded, "So you could say, your thoughts have gone back and forth on the matter." Many groans were had.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CommJimp
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2014
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Come on, step right up, and Guess Who Tim Horton Hears! Tim Horton's Hears A Who? Oh, I'm sorry, but you're wrong.

Tim Horton's should play music by The Who and The Guess Who. Whenever someone is asked "Guess Who is playing this music" or "Who is playing this music", especially to younger people that don't listen to classic rock, they might not know. You can tell them, in a real coy (not Real McCoy) manner, that it is what Horton hears in the Dr. Seuss books. If they guess correctly, they could win a prize. If not, tell them either to really "Guess Who is playing this music" or "Who is playing this music", and see if they catch on.

*The idea for this is from listening to all the times my dad would make us Guess Who was playing the song in the car or he would say Who is playing this song right now and we would guess incorrectly until we caught on. It's a long running dad joke, so you better catch it before it takes off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlackPurity
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2015
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On Getting Pizza Delivered

I deliver pizza for a living and I showed up at the door, as is my wont, with one hand holding the pizza bag and the other holding the receipt. On opening the door, I greeted the pater familia and told him the amount I was owed. He gave me the money and I handed him the receipt so I could free up my hands to pull the pizza out of the bag, saying offhandedly, "Here you go," indicating the receipt. The patriarch then looked at the menu bemusedly and remarked, "Hmm, seems a little light." It took me a little to figure out the joke was supposed to be that he thought the menu accompanying the receipt was the entire delivery.

On noticing my delayed reaction, the daughter of the house proceeded to put her hand to her face in a manner not unlike our dear Snoo at the top of this page. I've been delivering for two years now--that was easily the lamest, most Dad-like joke I have ever come across.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2013
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I don't know, CAN you?

I just texted my dad, "can i call you when i get out of work?" (Nothing serious) I'm at work right now and the way we file prospect students in the admissions office i work at is by the last three letters of their last name and the first letter of their first name. Before my dad could answer in dad-ways, i read the next file and it said "KAN U". I rolled my eyes when i heard my dad say "I don't know, can you?" In my mind.

The message had already been sent and dad's were uniting.

You guessed it, he replied in exactly that manner.

If you don't understand English grammar, which most people don't, I should have said "may I?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/apfeldaisies
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2015
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I'm proud of myself...

My sister and I were fighting (in a lighthearted manner) and she was trying to get pen marks on my arms. I picked up her guitar and used it to protect myself from her ink attacks. She got mad and said, "That's worth $200!"

Then I replied, "That's a pretty expensive pen."

She started laughing and I had time to escape... I dad-joked my way out of a predicament!

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πŸ“…︎ May 23 2014
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What do you call a man when he has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play.

Pungent.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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