“!desrever m’I won dna gnorw enog sah gnihtemoS !deneppah tahw wonk t’nod I daD”
My Latina wife used to seductively roll her r’s when speaking Spanish to me. But now that I’m into telling dad jokes she doesn’t do that anymore.
These days she just rolls her eyes.
I’m sorry everyone..I just don’t how how to say this..
I’m not sure what’s going on in my neighborhood with the trees. We went cycling today and there were trees everywhere and I don’t trust them.
They all seemed kind of shady.
Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I’m going for a jog and then I don’t...
It’s my longest running joke of the year so far...
My dad just died. This isn’t a joke, I’m lost. I remember at his dads funeral he told me:
Why do they put fences around cemetery’s? Because people are dying to get in.
I told my daughters this joke years ago and told them it was from my dad. I want a joke that I can make at his funeral to my children in his honor. Can you help me out?
My daughter thinks I’m nosy and don’t respect her boundaries.
At least, that’s what she wrote in her diary.
I’m constantly eating deli meat straight out of the refrigerator. My wife says I should quit, but I just can’t give up…
I’m trying to learn the alphabet but I can’t get past X.
I’m trying to come up with a chicken joke but can’t…
Guess I’ll just try to wing it.
I’m surprised I haven’t seen a post about what they’ve been feeding them gay cows.
Hayyyyyyyy
I apologize for the poor setup
I work as a janitor and my boss said he’d fire me if I didn’t stop turning everything into an R.E.M parody.
I said “Well that’s pee in the corner…”
I went to the hospital the other day because my wife was giving birth. The doctor came out of the room, handed me a baby and said “I’m sorry— your wife didn’t make it.”
I said, “Okay, could you give me the one my wife made?”
Although I’m a sculptor, I still wasn’t sure about how to make a metal bust.
But I just forged ahead anyway.
I’m glad apple hasn’t made a car
Otherwise, it would have no windows
I’m a little jelly we can’t all bring in this kind of dough
I’m upset my boss doesn’t believe me that I sent him the email again after he asked me to;
There’s a guy in my town who’s hosting events every weekend. Of course I can’t always be there but everytime I don’t show up he tells everyone in town I’m a bad guy and that I should burn in hell.
My husband doesn’t think I’m funny…
He’s currently playing a computer game when I heard hammering or chopping. I looked onscreen to see his character hitting a wall or fence. I asked if he was building a fence, to which he replied “I’m fortifying this structure for protection.” So I said, “ah, so you’re building de-fense.”
Merry Christmas all, but I’m just livid right now. My uncle bought a couple hundred T-Rex figures to donate to a child outreach center in Toronto and ended up busted by customs driving into Canada.
Turns out they’re not too keen on small arms trafficking.
I was joking with my husband that I’m such an obedient wife. He said, “You don’t know the first thing about obedience.” I said, “It starts with an O.”
He said, “Wrong. It starts with a ‘Yes’.”
I’m sorry aboot these. Please don’t kick me out of this sub or shoe me away....
My wife got mad at me because I wouldn’t stop singing “I’m a Believer” by the Monkees. At first, I thought she was kidding.
I’m pretty mad with myself, I didn’t go to the gym today…
That makes 40 years in a row.
“I’m afraid I can’t go to church tomorrow,” I told my daughter as I pulled out the Chedder and Brie.
“I plan to prey on cheeses tonight.”
If you can’t accept my constant need to point out the exit in every room I’m in…
Her: I’m leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.
I’m thinking of starting a charity to provide books to prisoners, but I can’t decide what to call it
… I’m considering “Prose and Cons”
So my daughter, getting frustrated, asked me why she can’t understand what I’m saying.
And I told her because I’m your Mutter
I can’t believe I’m being sued for negligence
I didn’t even do anything!
I won’t act like I’m not impressed
I know this isn’t politically correct, but I’m gonna say it anyway:
The governor is the head of the judicial branch
I thought my wife was joking when she said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop signing “I’m A Believer”…
A, B, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, & Z are all racists.. How do I know?
Because they're all not 'C's.
My wife thinks I’m a total klutz and is always worried I’m going to hurt myself accidentally. I don’t take it personally , she’s always been a pessimist
Even her blood type is B negative
My best mate passed away yesterday due to heartburn, I’m in tears I can’t believe it.
*angry dad: “I can’t believe you could be so F*****G STUPID!!! I’m FURIOUS!”
Son: “Hi, Furious. I’m son.”
PS
Furious didn’t laugh, do not attempt.
I’m a rough carpenter and I couldn’t find the stud so I said out loud in anger where’s the stud.
Then he said “I’m right here, here you go” and hands me the stud finder
My wife says I’m cheap because I don’t spend anything on non-essentials
I guess that’s why I don’t pay her any attention.
I’ve reached a level of Dad where I don’t even have to say anything to annoy my family with my dad jokes: I’m driving with my wife and kids in the country. We see a sign that says “Soft Shoulders”….
Without saying a word I squeeze my wife’s arm.
She rolls her eyes and says “I knew you were going to make a soft shoulder joke - you’re so predictable”
I said “Well, I wasn’t going to say anything but you have lost a bit of definition….”
If my son doesn’t go to bed, I’m gonna put him in jail.
My wife is threatening to leave me because I’m addicted to wearing a new T-shirt every half an hour.
I said, “Wait! I can change!”
I can’t believe I’m being evicted for telling a joke about a llama
I guess alpaca my bags and leave
I’m such a great speller but I can’t spell ironik
Well....... isn’t that ironik
Every morning I announce loudly to my family I’m going jogging, but then don’t go.
Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I’m going for a jog and then I don’t...
It’s my longest running joke of the year so far...
Every day at breakfast, I announce that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It was my longest running joke of the year.
Every morning I announce loudly to my family that I’m going jogging, but then don’t go.
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