Loosed Puns

By tooth ferry

There was a muumuu here and a muumuu there, here a muu, there a muu, everywhere a muumuu.

Defeat

Edit: loses (damn mobile app)

Because he I always dropping the bass.

It slipped my mind and never came back.

Juan Ted

Six six six flags.

A dododecahedron

Now I can't see anything

But Adam and Eve had the first apple and after one byte all hell broke loose.

He got fired

But they're a solid number 2.

does that mean that one enjoys it?

Now I got gas money!

Hopefully she'll loose some weight soon as well

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

...till they gave me the sack

Which proves the old saying: Loo slips, sink chips.

We hope to see you at Loose Stools.

It was shocking!

He shoots his victims with assault ruffles.

But he himself suggested that I use his duck tape.

Look alive!

but I ended up not doing it because the effort required was to steep

And named the winner "Miss Information".

We got a new dog. We named him Jesus, and he gets loose often. Occasionally I'll knock on my Mormon neighbors door just to ask if they've found Jesus.

Just don’t pick it up

Edit: piece I before E except after c

He said it was a moving violation

Only ewes can prevent florist friars.

Ian

It was all legal tender

"I artichoke you for that"

A woman goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for cyanide. He asks, what for? She says, I want to kill my husband! The pharmacist said, Are you nuts! They'd throw us both in jail and I'd loose my license!  The woman produces a photo of her husband and the pharmacist's wife screwing. The pharmacist said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription!"

When she found some loose coins in one of my pants.

She then told me come and collect my laundered money.

The were afraid of catching the CORVID.

It took ten tackles to catch him.

(not sure if this has been said before, but I just thought of it)

But I just can’t see it.