9 months from now, there will be a baby boom. 13 years later, will give rise to the next generation, known as....

Quaranteens.

πŸ‘︎ 605
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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My friend ordered a sculpture of his face, but later realized he couldn’t afford the bill.

He really got a head of himself.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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A bit later than usual, but here's Dadvent day 9!
πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/teRi9229
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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I hope he said Tank you later xD
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yugvijay
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
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A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily your brother named them for you. Woman: oh no, not my brother, what an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.

πŸ‘︎ 185
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πŸ‘€︎ u/6Bazrael66
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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Watta pun
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bongnazi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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A few years later....
πŸ‘︎ 198
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Staarlord
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
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I once ate two pieces of string and an hour later they came out my ass tied together

I shit you knot

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chettamine
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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Just figured I’d announce that I’ll be doing a theatrical performance on puns later this week.

It’s a play on words.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VictorHelios1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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I’d tell you jokes about circles

But it’s just pointless

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tenzhen7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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Rick Astley rents the movie Up from the rental store, 3 weeks later he gets a call from the rental store employees saying that his rental is 3 weeks overdue, what does Rick Astley say?

Never gonna give you Up!

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
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I’ll do a digital one later
πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/h3y0002
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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See you later
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
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I fell asleep in the cab and later I woke up with my liver missing

I'm starting to think that the driver who said he'll "deliver me" was a bit shady.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maraudershake
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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Job Interview for Later

Job Interviewer: "At the start you'll be earning $17,000; later that will increase to $21,000"
Me: "Ok, I'll come back later."

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ALizardKing
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
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On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...

...from the fruits of our labor

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IronHusker88
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
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Later in Forrest Gump’s life, he puts on a little weight and opens a business collecting old plumbing materials.

It was called the Plump Gump Sump Pump Dump.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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Like, laterally.
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Candlefrog_king
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
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So I wanted to withdraw some money.

Have to try again later because for some reason I canβ€˜t ATM.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PEKKACHUNREAL
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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My wife is teaching my little ones (3/1) about bugs so they wrote β€œAnt” in honey on a piece of paper to attract them and set it out on the deck. She was sad When we went out to check later that day, only one was there.

You should have pluralized it and more would have shown up!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vtfb79
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
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Felt. Might delete later.
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/big_bang482
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2019
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I just saw that Chuck Yeager has died

...and then I heard it a few seconds later

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotMetheThree
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
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I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.

I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.

Edit: corrected an udder failure.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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As I got on the 51st floor, the elevator attendant said "see you later, son". I said indignantly, "don't call me 'son', you're not my dad!"

... To which the lift attendant replied, "Maybe not, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

πŸ‘︎ 526
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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
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A guy goes for a drive and his car stalls...

...right in front of a house where there’s a huge party going on. He walks in and notices that the party is somewhat divided. There’s a clear distinction between the people waiting for the bathroom and the people queued up for drinks, etc.

Considering the urgency of the bathroom queue, he walks over to the drinks table and asks everyone there if they wouldn’t mind helping him push his car to get it started. They agree but even with the full might of several people, the car doesn’t budge. He thanks them for trying and they all head back inside.

A little while later, the doorbell rings. The man sees the host open the door to the largest pizza guy he’s ever seen. The behemoth is holding 15 pizzas with one hand, a pallet of buffalo wings with the other, with a keg strapped to each shoulder. The man jumps up and asks the pizza guy for his help pushing the car. He agrees and they head to the street.

With barely one touch of a pinky on one hand, the car lurches forward and starts right up. The man drives off, waving behind him and yelling a quick, β€œThank you.”

As he catches sight of the party fading into the distance, he says to himself...

β€œThank goodness for the delivery because that punch line sure is weak.”

πŸ‘︎ 992
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πŸ‘€︎ u/silashoulder
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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The Mysterious Sound

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.

He says, I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.

He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.

The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gasballbutsmol
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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Second joke my dad ever told me, which I later found out he stole from Carlin: you know how you can tell when a moth farts?

It flies in a straight line.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jDubbaYo
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
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See EU later
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LogangYeddu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
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When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.

He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

πŸ‘︎ 368
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
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8 months later, you will say

Hindsight is 2020

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/prasaadii
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
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The other day I was walking down the street and I commented that I like someone’s spunky shoes. 10 minutes later I passed her again and she gave me a $5 bill she found on the ground.

That’s karma in real life

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/superto3
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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Ok, this is a mom joke...

My stay-at-home wife came in earlier and asked what I wanted for dinner. "I don't know... You pick, you're cooking it after all."

A few minutes later she comes in with a frying pan. "Here ya go!"

It was a piece of paper. With the words "I don't know" written on both sides.

proof

... Smartass, lol.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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Why did the Oklahoma student keep rushing everything?

Because he was a Sooner

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Westerbecky32
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
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An Axe to Grind

An Axe to Grind
A boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree this year.
Each year, the boy asks and the father tells him, "I don't
want to pay for it."

But the son kept begging. Unable to bear his son's whining,
he picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house.Β 
Thirty minutes later he returns with a great big Christmas tree. "How did you cut it down so fast?" his son asks.

"I didn't cut it down," the father replies.Β 
"I got it at a tree lot."

"Then why did you bring an axe?"

"Because I didn't want to pay."

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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"He's the most foul mouthed person to ever live!" screamed the scientist who cloned himself and later tried to throw the clone off the roof.

He was arrested for attempting to make an obscene clone fall.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notagoodspelller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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Why didn't the cannibal eat the guy with no legs ?

Because he was lacktoes intolerant

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
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A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, β€œLarry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, β€œGod and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

β€œWow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

β€œBonnie,” he says, β€œLarry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

β€œOh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. β€œHe’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

πŸ‘︎ 124
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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I have an appointment with this arborist later

Is it a date?

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nadrojylloh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
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You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Praefectus27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2017
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My self-centered friend ordered a sculpture of his face, but later realized he couldn't afford the bill.

He really got a head of himself.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
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I’ll call you later

Don't call me later, call me Dad!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Odinnextgen
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
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my party trick is swallowing two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together....

i shit you knot!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mznalouise22
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
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Son: I’ll call you later

Me: Don’t call me later, call me Dad

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
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I told my dad that I'd call him later

He: "No.. just call me dad"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
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What does a dad say at the lift?

See you later, elevator.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/erdit1234
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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