Kaopectate Puns

I really love the way these taste and would eat them every day if I could but I don't want to get sick.

I'd like something as similar in taste and texture as possible. I want to dip pancakes into them.

It's be a long long ( so glad it's fucking over) holiday season. Kaopectate had been minding her P's and Q's for almost a year, and I had no idea she was in it for the long con.

Some background: My side of the family has lost 19 people in the last 3 years. All my grandparents, all my uncles, most of my cousins, a few aunts and my sister's husband. DD2 did not handle this well, (I mean, not really a shock right?) And has been diagnosed with PTSD. Seriously major, enough so that she can't attend school, barely leaves the house and was donated a fully trained service dog by a group who usually only gives dogs to veterans with PTSD. My kid is a 16 year old beautiful girl and she lives in a couple hundred square feet because she is terrified of people. Especially new people. This is important, I promise.

Let's begin in October, my DH's family reunion. DD2 actually goes to the family dinner. After a few hours, shit hits the fan and she's catatonic in a ball on a sofa. Everyone sees this. Much discussion is had by the relatives, most truly concerned about DD2. Dd1 takes her sister home, wraps up her sister in a blanket, turns on a quiet movie and waits for me to get home.

After dd2 leaves Kaopectate is all loud about it saying "what's wrong with her" and then she snort laughs too... she's drunk... Joy. She knows what the fuck is wrong with dd2, k came and saw her in the hospital when dd2 had her first mental break. She has a mother fucking service dog, a $10000 service dog! They don't just hand those out because you ask nice! But see Kaopectate was embarrassed, her perfect facade was blemished. So she made a scene. I fucking went home. Of course DH doesn't see this.

Not too long after all this went down, an incident with my trash sil happened, it's on justnofamily if you are interested. Once again I embarrassed Kaopectate, by standing my ground and publicly outing trash sil for the trash she is on the book of faces. Now in my defense this "out" was on another person's post who's profile was private...

Group text messages ensue. I hate group texts, but in this case I went along with it, that way there couldn't be any "he said she said" crap. And I let all the pent up emotionally baggage flow like a damn river. All there in text, beautiful in it's simple and concise matter of factness. Wanna see? Of course you do! ...

"Unfortunately I think I will not be able to comply. I respect and appreciate your feelings, if you feel you need to unfriend me or block me

Things on the Kaopectate front have been somewhat peaceful as of late. No new drama really besides dealing with her cunt of a daughter. Until this weekend.

I'm pretty sure bitchbot can catch you up on all the other delights that are the exploits of Kaopectate, my lovely mother-in-law.

It has taken Kaopectate 20 years to ask how dh and I started dating. 20 fucking years.

We went to dinner the other night with K and fil, on the whole it wasn't horrible but something k said has me shook. All these years of bullshit and misery Kaopectate believed I asked dh to my prom out of the blue and then proceeded to have sex with him, in her house, that night. All my what's?

First of all, dh and I had dated exclusively for at least 4 months before prom.

Secondly, I had a 10pm curfew on prom night, barely time for dinner and dancing let alone boinking in the room next to hers.

Why does she think I slept with her son that night? She thinks she saw my prom dress in the floor of dh's closet. Nope, sorry k, that was his vest that we had made to match my dress. But I totally asked him out of the blue, but still had time to have a matching vest made. Please...

I corrected k as to how long dh and I dated before prom, well as much as my tequila addled brain could but as usual DH was less than helpful. I haven't confronted her about the vest yet, it took some time to settle in, I didn't put it all together until I sobered up.

What's the big deal you ask? I got pregnant a few weeks after prom. So I must have trapped her poor baby into marriage. Thing was, dh asked me to marry him the week after prom, ring and everything.

Ugh, now what do I do? Do I go full disclosure and sit her and fil down to set all the shit straight? I'm so tired of all the tension when I'm involved with his side of the family. Sometimes I refuse to even engage with them. You know, if she even cared a tiny bit she would have ask dh 20 fucking years ago! Shit! Fuck, I need a drink...

Hello everyone, sorry it's been a few days since I said I would bring you guys up to speed. It's been absolute hell at my house, you see after I write one of these stories down I can actually see the whole situation for it's bullshit and pathology. So DH and I have been arguing, a lot. Things have settled down a bit, I think because he knows I'm not budging. We shall see. Anyway let's catch you guys up.

So the date for "the talk" was set and then reset by k and company. Now thanks to you guys I saw right through that shit for the power play it was. And I was vocal about it. Oh and by the way, my favorite niece was coming to. Totally inappropriate, even though niece is an adult, I feel very uncomfortable putting her in the middle. So I contacted niece before hand to talk things out and let her know she didn't need to have an opinion on anything that was going down, that I would never want her to pick sides.

We went ahead with the new time and location, I just wanted to get this shit over with. I really wanted to meet up in a neutral location somewhere that could be a good buffer for hot heads , but no, we had to meet at the in-laws house. Trash sil lives there now, by the way, isn't that fantastic? All I'm saying is they better bleach thier towels, because I sure as hell wouldn't want my cooter to touch anything her cooter touched. Just saying.

We show up a bit early, niece still isn't there. I ask if we are going to wait till niece shows up. K says "no". I'm confused because then why was niece asked to come??? Whatever. I'm going to paraphrase the conversation, I don't remember word for word everything that was said so here are the highlights.

1. Kaopectate denied ever saying dd1 wasn't Dh's. She says she may have joked about dd1 not looking like him, ha ha isn't that funny. No, it's not.

2. Kaopectate denied ever not liking me. "I'm a daughter to her". "She loves me like she loves her son". Vomit

3. Kaopectate says the only time she's talked bad about me is because I'm a bad housekeeper. If only. She also says if I ever feel mad or upset at her I should just come out and tell her. Ok. Just remember you asked for it.

4. Kaopectate says it was rude (I actually agree with this one) that we waited to tell them we weren't coming to Thanksgiving until the last minute. I countered with yes I agree it wasn't optimal, but we didn't learn that sil's newest victims (new boyfriend and gaggle of children) we're going to be at the dinner until the night before.

This was a very long time ago, right after I had DD1. I'm 18 or so at the time, young and so damn trusting.

I was sitting in Kaopectate's living room feeding my baby, really just minding my own business. Dh was helping his dad with something, I wonder now if it was all a set up to get me alone. K walks in, and immediately I can tell something is off, when you grow up like I did you learn to read the room as a matter of survival.

I'm sitting down, titty out trying my best to feed DD1. I suck at breastfeeding, so she knew I was a captive audience. She asks me how things are, if baby is sleeping any better (that was a big fuck no, DD1 didn't sleep more than 20 minutes at a time until she was 3). Then she starts. "My dad had a lot of dreams he wanted to accomplish. He really wanted to race cars, like my son does. But mom kept having babies and he never got to accomplish his dream"

It took me a few seconds to absorb that little tidbit of passive aggressiveness. So I say "that's too bad, but I don't think that was totally you mom's fault"

K says " Oh yes it was, she wanted to trap dad, and she did. DH has a lot of dreams too"

I say I know he does, and then there was complete silence. She leaves. I was so devistated, all I could think of was how I was ruining DH. That stayed with me for years. I put up with a lot of crap because I felt I wasn't good enough to be with him, like I was an anchor holding him down.

I would love to go back in time and stick up for myself. "Bitch, listen here, I'm 18 years old your damn son is 23. If I wanted to fuck up his life I could have already! We both know your ass never supported DH racing professionally, so cut the shit, you are just a bully trying to hurt me, and I would have to respect you for you to be able to hurt me"

Hello everyone, I'm a pretty regular poster on jnmil. Today I plan to formally introduce you to my jnsil. For all of you who are familiar with my wonderful mil Kaopectate, this is her GC daughter. Then again I'm not sure if she's GC or just the squeeky wheel.

Let's start off with some quick bullet points that may serve as examples of the depths of depravity to which my sil has sunk, and continues to sink.

1. Sil and I had been friends before I started dating DH. When I got pregnant with DD1, sil told everyone who would linger just a bit too long near her that the baby was NOT her brothers. And everyone believed her.

2. After DD1 was born and she was obviously DH's sil took another tactic. She told everyone my daughter was slow and was borderline retarded. She's not...

3. Sil had a baby 6 months before DD1 was born, had a shotgun wedding, cheated on her husband and divorced all before DH and I had even gotten married. She complained and whined through every bridal shower, dinner and even through our wedding about how she was so sad she was divorced. Probably shouldn't have fucked the dude at your work sil.

4. Sil left her daughter DN1 with ANYONE who would take her. Once she had left DN1 at a friend's sister's house for days (when she was only supposed to be there a couple of hours) without leaving food, formula or diapers. I got a call that DN1 had been left there with no supplies, so I took over diapers and formula.

5. On more than one occasion DN1 was left at my house for days with no sign of her mother. One time when sil finally showed back up it was with a guy who is a known abuser, when we told her she couldn't have DN1 back, she threatened to call the cops. Kaopectate came and got DN1.

6. Sil has now been married and divorced 3 times, engaged 11 times and has 2 more children. Is perpetually unemployed and dates some of the biggest losers we know.

7. Sil has spread so many rumors about me I can't keep up with what the latest ones are. Some that I can think of are that I abuse my children, I have affairs with every man who is my friend on Facebook, I use DH for his money, I hate everyone in thier family and the best one... Are you ready? She tells everyone I beat my husband.

There is so much more I have about this bitch, but I'm exhausted just writing this. It's pathetic what I've put up with. But that shit has come to an abrupt end.

Btw: Hubby and I have been together for two decades, and we still make our kids grossed out with how much we

Let me start out with saying I adore my niece, absolutely 100%. Even having a shit mom (sil) like she does, Niece is kind, smart and overall a really pleasant human.

Niece (DN) has been living with Kaopectate and fil for almost 6 years, her mother decided she was too much trouble (translation: DN called sil on her shit) and shipped her off. Best thing that ever happened to that kid, DN has seen some shit thanks to sil.

DN texts me yesterday, she's having a panic attack. She and Kaopectate got in a fight. What about?

Kaopectate goes for hikes every morning, at 4am. They have two dogs at thier house, K takes one on the hike and leaves the other behind (he's old, couldn't handle the hike). Dog left behind will bark and howl as loud as possible for the hour and a half it takes for K's hike. Then sometimes gets so upset he gets sick. DN asks K to please not take the dog with her so old dog doesn't bark and flip out. DN is in college (you go girl), she has a full load of classes heavy on the math, every night she has 4 to 5 hours of homework​, lately with the barking at 4 am DN is only getting 3-4 hours of sleep. She's fried.

K says she doesn't know what DN wants her to do. DN repeats, please leave the dog at home. K laughs, again says she doesn't know what DN wants her to do, DN starts to cry. K laughs and walks away.

Today is probably the absolute hardest day of your life. I think your father may have been one of only a handful of people that you truly love. For a normal person the funeral of thier father is devastating, but for you I can easily accept that this day is absolute torture.

I can't even begin to imagine what you are experiencing right now. After decades of stuffing all your emotions away, running from so many emotionally charged situations to now having to meet, head on, what you fear most. I'm pretty sure once the flood starts it may not be controllable, and I'm even more scared for you for that because your desperate need for control.

I can not be there. There are so many reasons why I will not attend. Some petty, but most a matter of self care. For me, this is death 20 in 3 years. Having just gotten out of a dark headspace I refuse to go back in. I wish you and I had the kind of relationship where I could be a support to you, but that's probably because I'm naturally the person who swoops in and tries to help.

If you ever read this there is something I want you to take away from it. There is no shame in reaching out for help. Grief is probably one of the darkest human emotions and you need a professional to help you through this process. There are so many tools you just don't have that you absolutely need to survive this loss and to come out better on the other side. I wish you well.

What do these drugs to do the body that make these symptoms contraindications? I haven't been able to find the reasoning behind this. Thanks!

Well the word came down from the grand high flying monkey (fil) that we have been formally asked to rug sweep all incidents and behaviors from K and sil. DH declined. Mutual nc has begun. Pretty cool right? Well yes and no.

Before too long k was posting pics of her and sil and sil's boyfriend's kids doing family shit, every. Damn. Weekend. dd1 had yet to block them on the book of faces and saw all the stuff kaopectate does with these kids, that are not hers, while she treats our kids like strangers. That did NOT go over well with my brood. Que a multi hour rant fest from my two oldest.

The only explanation I can give my tribe is that these new kids are just that, new. K can act like perfect grandma and get all the narcissist supply with not strings because sil will fuck up this relationship (like countless others) and these kids will never be around long enough to see through the shiny "perfect" polish. Not to mention k gets to play happy family without all the pesky work of actually being a family.

Kids are pissed. DH is unsurprised. I'm so damn sad for those kids, because they will just get thrown away when sil is done with thier dad.

Image Gallery: http://imgur.com/a/U3EAD

December 3, 2015

Adam and Drew open the show talking about the past weekend where they got together to watch USC play UCLA in football and the epic drinking spree they went on. The guys then turn to the phones and talk to a variety of callers on topics ranging from controlling mothers to large relationship age gaps.

 

This post was generated by ACSBot from http://adamanddrdrewshow.com/ads293/

Because this shit needs to stop.

I read that it's believed Napoleon had some kind of stomach ailment on the eve of Waterloo, which might have limited his effectiveness, affected his judgment, and led to his defeat. I thought that a single dose of Pepto-Bismol, or Kaopectate, or even just some strong probiotics, might have eased his pain, cleared his mind, won the battle, and changed the course of European history.

If you could go back in time and give ONE dose of any modern medicine to one historical figure, what would it be, and why?

Do your worst!

For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.

I said "hey look, an escaPEA"

No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂

It really does, I swear!

They’re on standbi

Pilot on me!!

Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.

This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.

If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.

Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.

What did 0 say to 8 ?

" Nice Belt "

So What did 3 say to 8 ?

" Hey, you two stop making out "

I won't be doing that today!

You take away their little brooms

This morning, my 4 year old daughter.

Daughter: I'm hungry

Me: nerves building, smile widening

Me: Hi hungry, I'm dad.

She had no idea what was going on but I finally did it.

Thank you all for listening.

When I got home, they were still there.

There hasn't been a post all year!