Jokes With Puns

Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.

Sisters kids: Who? WHO?

Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!

cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other

Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad Me: I'm a faux pas

Where do hamburgers go when they want to dance? A meat ball!

Asking for a friend

But this is as close as I could get.

In the end, I felt like the punchline would just go over everybody's head.

It becomes tearable

Come on guys.

it's becoming a pain in the ass.

Butt willy?

And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me

‘Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’

👻👻💀💀☠️☠️ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.

I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids

I call it a Dad-a-Base

Why did the tree moo?

Because there was a cow stuck in it!

I literally just reddit.

I mean well.

So we’ve got this FisherPrice Projector Mobile thing that projects a rotating imaging onto the ceiling. (Very nice little thing, highly suggest for babies)

Anyways... We’ve got it set up in the living room and Wife, Son, and I are laying on the ground in the dark watching it go round and round. It’s Jungle Themed, so a lion, elephant giraffe, tiger, a few monkeys, and so on...

We’re pointing out the different animals to Son and he’s repeating a few words here and there... When he starts waving and saying “Hi” as a new animal rotates in.

So Wife goes, “Here comes the Lion. Can you say Hi to the Lion?”

And Son waves and says “Hi!” and giggles.

Wife: “And there’s an Elephant! Can you Hi to the Elephant?”

Son: “Hi... toots”

Wife: “Yes! Toots! And here’s the next animal. Can you wave to the tiger?”

Son: “Hi!”

Wife: “That’s the ‘Hi of the Tiger’”

Me: “... 💀 💀 💀”

Wife: “You love me... Look Son! A Zebra!”

Both can fly if you throw them hard enough

For context, my dad had a leg amputation a few months back but he’s been in mostly good spirits about it. We were talking about places to eat in our area, and he asked where one of the fast food restaurants was around here, so I said “It’s at the intersection, where the IHOP is.”

Dad replied, “Oh, that’s my favorite place to get breakfast.”

I never got food with my dad at IHOP before so I was confused, but then it dawned on me what he meant. 😐

The iRoll

Edit: thank you kind strangers for the awards! I told my wife we've struck gold and she immediately upgraded to the newest iRoll v2 software!!!

I told him I Reddit

Two guys were walking down the street towards one another, the second guy bumps into the first guy and the first guy goes "Ayee, watch it. I'm Walken 'ere" and the second guy goes "oh, sorry Christopher"

Wife: I have to tell you something. Im pregnant. Husband: hi pregnant! I'm dad! Wife: no you're not.

My 2 year old has cereal in her snack cup and just showed me that there was a piece of cereal in her sleeve. I said, "Looks like you got some tricks up your sleeve." GUESS WHAT KIND OF CEREAL SHE WAS EATING!.....IT WAS TRIX!
Edit: Thanks for my first gold!

or are they?

A dull evening.

Butt weight....That's not fanny.

...is that they're so off-colour.

Otherwise you will turn into an Iron man

Hmm.

How do you kill a blue elephant? (How?) With a blue elephant gun.

How you you kill a pink elephant? (With a pink elephant gun?) No, you hold its trunk til it turns blue then shoot it with the blue elephant gun

Why do elephants paint their toenails red? (No clue...?) So they can hide in cherry trees

Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? (Of course not) Then clearly it works

...but I just couldn't quit cold turkey.

You never see them coming.

I will just avoid reddit until christmas. They should have gotten old bi den.

But you guys hated it

I may have encountered some punintended consequences.

Buttocks

Source - from the jokes forum.

What is the stupidest thing in the universe?

A black hole, because it's so dense!

I suggested to him that we stirrup some trouble. He wasn’t sure she could anvil it.

Yolk’s on them, I crack myself up!

People get sick of it but they still do it

I think I have something here, just need a little help with the ending. This is what I have so far.

In the interrogation room, Joe Ga pleaded with police to let him go. He explained the man they are really after is Joe Ka, who has been systematically committing crimes and calling out his own name in the process knowing how similar they sound.

"This is all just a setup, the real Joe Ka is..."

Autocorrect*

I'm really sick of it

[Removed]

Her: What is this little USB thing? Is this a juul charger?

Me: No, I think it’s an adapter for the Steam controller.

Her: Well, a juul is kind of like a steam controller.

This is as close as I could get.

Rhetorical question?