I used to sell security alarms door to door, and i was really good at it.

If no one was home, i would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cockneybastard
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2022
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My boss told me as a security guard, it’s my job to watch the office.

I’m on season 6 but i’m not really sure what it’s got to do with security.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2022
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It’s a security blanket.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2018
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My neighbor sells home security systems, he's pretty good at it too.

If nobody's home, he just leaves a brochure on the kitchen table

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I met the world’s greatest security guard the other day. When I asked him the secret, he said it was all in his name.

Barry R.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DenialTwister
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
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Knew someone who tried to make it through airport security with a cat in their carry-on.

TSA agent asked him, "Sir, are you aware you have a cat in here?"

And he said "Well don't let the cat out of the bag!".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joelmeyer1221
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
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My neighbor installed a security system in his porch that launches intruders into the air, and I could tell he was very happy about it.

There was a spring in his step.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?

If you pee something, pay something.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fubo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2017
🚨︎ report
Security officer: If you find a USB outside, don't bring it into the office reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xTheAddy
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2018
🚨︎ report
My boss said as a security guard it's my duty to watch the office

I'm on season six, just don't know what it has to do with security

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BendMeLikeAlexis
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2022
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Is this legal?
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AkaGurGor
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2022
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Ahoy
πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danruse
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2023
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I got banned from the shop for stealing kitchen utensils

I knew they had security guards, but it was a whisk I was willing to take

πŸ‘︎ 770
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CharteredWaters
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2022
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If you're happy and you know it...
πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToshiroBaloney
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2022
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Just a normal bear at the bearport
πŸ‘︎ 240
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cobraking364
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2022
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It's a security monitor. imgur.com/tSzAsd5
πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daymanahaha
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Without anything to secure it, and unbeknownst to the driver, the trailer careened off the side of the road

It went off without a hitch

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeromocles
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the lizard walking through the convinence store?

It was the security monitor

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/That_Commission
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2022
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Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime…

She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa. He asks her - why did you say that? I don't know, I just felt like saying it. The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence. A month later at bedtime, the daughter says - God bless mommy and daddy. And goodbye grandma. Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath. The dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do. He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents). Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime - God bless mommy....she turns her head and looks straight at him - and goodbye daddy. What!? are you sure honey? She nods. The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can't sleep at all that night. The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable. He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled. His wife is up and waiting for him - Where the hell were you today??! He replies - Don't shout, I've had an absolutely miserable day. His wife then says - You had a miserable day? I'm the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the steps...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeKing4Real
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2022
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Years ago at my first IT startup we thought we'd caught a big break when we were asked to set up the campus network at a major college. However, the project eventually fell through when they failed to secure the necessary funding.

I still think about it sometimes - the WAN that got away.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kalibabka
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
🚨︎ report
A burglar is trying to infiltrate a building.

Outside the building he overhears the security talking. β€œIt’s been 5 years I’ve been working here and instead of raising my salary they always ask me to work overtime,” the guard mumbles to herself. Suddenly, the path for the burglar opens forth and he enters the most valuable room. Upon seeing this intrusion, the boss who happened to be in the same room exclaims β€œSecurity! How did you get in here??” To which the burglar calmly replies, β€œYou let your guard down.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JuniCorps
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2022
🚨︎ report
"I Lost My Job" Puns

My daughter and I have been trading these. Here is our current list - would love to hear more!

  1. I lost my job at the chess factory. I couldn’t work knights.
  2. I lost my job at the bank. A lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over.
  3. I lost my job at the keyboard factory. I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
  4. I lost my job at the calendar factory. I took too many days off.
  5. I lost my job as a maze designed. I got lost in my work.
  6. I lost my job as an electrician. I was shocked!
  7. I lost my job as a psychic. I didn’t see it coming!
  8. I lost my job at the funeral home. Apparently, the options are β€œcremation” or β€œburial,” not β€œsmoking” or β€œnon-smoking.”
  9. I lost my job as an astronomer. I thought my work was looking up!
  10. I lost my job as a cyber criminal. I couldn’t hack it.
  11. I lost my job as a human cannonball. I got fired!
  12. I lost my job as a garbage collector. I had no training but I thought I would pick it up as I go.
  13. I lost my job as a math teacher, same job I’ve had since 2000. That’s 46 years down the drain!
  14. I lost my job in pool maintenance. It was too draining.
  15. I lost my job as a fisherman. I didn’t make enough net income.
  16. I lost my job as a baker. I really kneaded the dough!
  17. I lost my job as a historian. There was no future in it.
  18. I lost my job as a tour guide in Australia. I did not have the right koalafications.
  19. I lost my job at the upholstery repair shop. I may never recover.
  20. I lost my job as a massage therapist. I rubbed people the wrong way.
  21. I lost my job as a seamstress. And I tried sew hard.
  22. I lost my job as a musician. I just wasn’t noteworthy.
  23. I lost my job at the unemployment office. And I still need to go back there tomorrow.
  24. I lost my job feeding giraffes. I just wasn’t up to it.
  25. I lost my job as a water slide attendant. My career is going down the tubes.
  26. I lost my job at the paper shredding factory. It was a tearable job.
  27. I lost my job as a drummer. I’m sure there will be repercussions.
  28. I lost my job as a pole vaulter. I'll never get over it.
  29. I lost my job as a pet groomer. I couldn’t make heads or tails of it.
  30. I lost my job as a pastry tester. That job was a piece of cake.
  31. I lost my job as a mirror inspector. I could see myself doing that for a long time.
  32. I lost my job as a yoga instructor. I bent over backwards for them.
  33. I lost my job at Dunkin. It’s ok, I was fed up wit
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dleishman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2021
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I got arrested picking up a friend from the airport last weekend

Apparently security doesn’t like it when you yell β€œHi Jack!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bogart86
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2022
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Friend tried to get a loan the other day...

A friend of mine has this great idea for a small business selling collectables, so he goes into a bank and walks up to the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan for a small business venture."

Patty looks in disbelief as she realizes this voice is coming from a dog. But being professional she clears her throat and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The dog says $500,000. And proceeds to fill out the loan paperwork.

Patty, the teller, reviews the paperwork and notices his name and is a little star struck as it reads: Buddy Mick Jagger. Feeling embarrassed, but curious, Patty asks if there is any relation to THE Mick Jagger?

The dog sighs and says, yes, Mick is his father, adopted, but his father nonetheless.

Patty explains that $500,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need something to act to secure such a large loan.

The dog says, "Yes ma'am. I have several sets of these" and shows her a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly shaped. He then produces more and more of these small porcelain animals all hand crafted and painted various colors. While trying to explain these collectables are what he hopes to sell Patty becomes very confused and thinks up a quick excuse:

"Well, for such a large loan and unusual collateral I will have to consult the branch manager."

Ms Whack finds the manager and says "There's a talking dog named Buddy Mick Jagger out here who claims to be a relation to Mick Jagger and wants a loan for $500,000. And as collateral he wants to use this?" She then holds up the small porcelain elephant. "I mean, what even is this? Is it valuable?"

The bank manager stands up, blinks a few times, looks her straight in the eye with a large smile and says: "Oh! That's a knick knack, Patty Whack. Give the dog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!"

(My grandpa would tell this joke at family gatherings to all of us grandkids, we would only ever get small parts of it at a time, but the rest of the adults would always groan at the end. Wasn't till many years later I realized this was a pretty common long haul joke! Still a good memory, hopefully it have you a chuckle!)

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Stache_
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2022
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As a father, is it okay for me to refer to the plastic threaded flange which secures the silicone nipple onto the plastic baby formula bottle as the

baby nipple ring?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/slowshot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
🚨︎ report
The Sinking of the Titanic: A Global Tragedy

Around 1910, a French chef did a series of reckless experiments with boiled egg whites and other items, thus accidentally creating a new condiment. He named it after his hometown, and so the new confection became known as mayonnaise.

One of the first fans of the new confection was Mexico’s ambassador to France, who wrote home about this marvelous new product, and so an enormous demand for mayonnaise developed across Mexico. But the demand could not be met; the chef refused to share the recipe with anyone, and the logistics of keeping the product cold while in transit from France to any part of Mexico proved very difficult.

An especially ambitious entrepreneur named Julio Gomez offered a solution: instead of sailing from France directly to Mexico, through the warm waters where the unrefrigerated mayonnaise would likely spoil, it could be shipped from France to the northern United States, a voyage that would be much colder and therefore preserve the mayonnaise much better. Once unloaded in New York, it would only need a few days to reach Mexico by train, and so Gomez arranged for special refrigerated rail cars to transport it.

The financial and logistical difficulties of this shipping method were daunting, but Gomez was more than equal to the task. He had hoped to begin the shipping in late 1911 to take advantage of the cold weather, but what with one thing and another he was forced to delay until the following spring.

But April in the North Atlantic is still cold enough, and so Gomez went ahead with his plan. He secured his supply of mayonnaise in Paris, and got it to Liverpool in record time. From there he managed to get it into the cargo of a passenger liner that was leaving for New York that very day, and arranged for the rail cars to meet the shipment in New York. Word of this development reached Mexico, where it was received with great joy and anticipation.

Much to Gomez’s misfortune, the ship in question was none other than the Titanic. The importation scheme was a total loss, and no further attempt to import mayonnaise to Mexico was made for decades after.

Due to the rushed and chaotic nature of Gomez’s operation, it took some weeks to confirm that his cargo of mayonnaise had been on the Titanic. Once the news was confirmed, Mexico’s hopes were crushed and there was a period of low-key national mourning.

The tragic loss of the Titanic shocked and saddened people all over the world. Mass funerals for the dead passengers were held in New York, L

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2022
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Slightly open
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
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My 9 month old just told me this knee slapper.

I was taking him out for his first driving lesson (I know, starting a little late at nine months, we've been busy lately). We came up to a stop sign and I said "Ok son, stop sign". Then he said "Dad, the sign is already stopped. You can clearly see it is secured to the ground by a post, there is no need for me to stop the sign from moving any more. Perhaps it is swaying from the wind outside, but that movement is negligible."

Kids, amiright!! Ha!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gmoney_downtown
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2021
🚨︎ report
No one in my family got this one...

I left for the airport early despite the website saying there was very little line. I was worried that it may have given me a false sense of security.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SimplisticAnswer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2021
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Remotely Yours

So we had this issue yesterday where secure shell commands were failing from our newly enabled backup system to a downstream application.

I logged in manually using the correct credentials to confirm the keys were fine, but I noticed it was the first time in known hosts, so i typed β€œyes” to put the entry in and figured that would fix it.

When the problem came back today, I was surprised at first, but then it hit me...

Same ssh -t different server...

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KCandIO
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was REALLY good at it...

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Boss told me that as a security guard, it’s my job to watch the office

I’m on season 6 and I’m not really sure what this show has to do with security

πŸ‘︎ 139
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πŸ‘€︎ u/northamerican2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Boss told me that as a security guard, it's my job to watch the office

I'm on season 6 but I'm not really sure what it's got to do with security.

πŸ‘︎ 812
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πŸ‘€︎ u/West_Picture_869
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2022
🚨︎ report
Boss told me that as a security guard, it's my job to watch the office.

I'm on season 6 but I'm not really sure what it's got to do with security.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Reddit_account01
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2022
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My boss told me as a security guard its my job to watch the office.

I am on season 6 so far, but not sure what it has got to do with security.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
🚨︎ report
My boss told me that as a security guard, my job is to watch the office.

I'm on season 5 now, but I still don't know what it has to do with security

πŸ‘︎ 214
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πŸ‘€︎ u/k_woz1978
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2022
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My boss told me as a security guard its my job to watch the office

I'm on season 6 so far, but not sure what its got to do with security.

πŸ‘︎ 535
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Automated-Waffles
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
🚨︎ report
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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A FROG, A BANK AND A LOAN

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Faze_Spriggan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2022
🚨︎ report
A Frog and a Bank Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bstie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
My boss told me as a security guard my job is to watch the office.

I'm on season six so far, but not sure what it has to do with security.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thorazine222
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2021
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A Frog and a Bank Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bstie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 88
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk

It shall be a security gourd

πŸ‘︎ 62
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Brad_Barracuda
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
🚨︎ report
A Frog Walks into a Bank

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
"KermitΒ Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager."
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
"Sure, how about this," said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell her, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/josephlied
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report

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