My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
So... there was a nose measuring contest. There were some really long ones like 10 inches. But Fred had the longest at 12 inches. The judge didn’t like that. It’s not a nose then is it... it’s a foot.
Having sex with a deaf person is like assassinating someone
They won't hear you cumming
Why is Groundhog’s day like a ballerina’s wardrobe?
What is the worst part about sleeping like a log
You could end up in the fireplace when you wake up
Did this painting for my friend (far right) who is a huge Pittsburgh steelers fan. His favorite player is Troy Polamalu... And he likes puns. That's me in the middle.l in my favorite jumper. Thoughts???
reddit.com/gallery/kkbp9y
A teenage daughter is like a dyslexic Mexican
Always rolling their I's instead of their R's.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
This sub is like a dairy farm
Why is the English weather like a Muslim (not racist)
Because its either sunni or shi'ite
What is made of leather, a foot long and sounds like a sneeze?
Why is a beautiful woman like a hinge?
Because she is something to adore.
Someone who likes playing racing games online is...
My sister is a nun and she doesn't like dad jokes
that's why we stick with father jokes
What is blue and smells like red paint
Is it just me or does Wisconsin always smell like ass?
I assume its because of all the dairy air.
Life is like a box of chocolates...
It's destroyed remarkably fast by an emotional woman.
When is a cake like a golf ball?
Her personality is like a box of Tide
All it does is deter gents
My ADHD medicine comes in a case shaped like a 3-sided polygon where each side is the same size, and the pills are distributed uniformly.
It's an equal Adderall triangle.
Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement...
...in the end, you ignore it all and click "I agree".
Santa is like a cat-burglar
...he even has the claws.
Beer is like the sun...
It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
Made this one up myself. Hope you like! Did you know there is a Mr Potatohead knock off?
Why is it so hard to get a date with a girl who likes horses?
Because she is already in a stable relationship...
This just happened like 2 minutes ago and my dad is creased at himself
My mam saw a channel on the telly called the Deja Vu channel so she asked my dad what it was.
He replied with ‘I’m not sure but I swear I’ve seen it before’
He’s now pissing himself laughing and mam doesn’t get it
A lot of people like French dressing, but my favorite salad dressing is Irish
A widow is mourning at her husband's grave site. A gentleman walks by and says "If you don't mind, I'd like to say a word."
"That would be nice" she said. "Plethora"..... "Thanks, that means a lot."
There’s a big thunderstorm. The road is blocked by a big mudslide. A little boy asks his dad, “Why does earth fall down like that?”
His dad answers, “It’s terrain.”
I’d first like to make sure this thing is working. If your name is Michael, please stand up.
That concludes the mike check
Why is hot Mexican food like a credit card?
You pay for it the next day.
Why is the letter T like an island?
Because they are both in the middle of waTer
My infant son is a bit constipated. My wife was like "I want to weigh him today" and I said that's not a good idea. She asked why...
Because he is full of shit.
She responded "you shouldn't say that"
I responded "what he just lies all day."
Real convo
I had to choose between three cats. The first was super affectionate, like a dog. The second prefers to be alone all the time. I picked the third, whose personality is somewhere in between.
I named him Meat Loaf because he would do anything for love, but he won’t do that.
If an owl is like a well read chicken, what is an owl's favorite food?
Friend: ...my wife is uncomfortable with them because they’ve joined the church of Satan. Like, he showed me his membership card. They’re paid members, man.
Me: well; someone has to pay the devil’s dues
Friend: damn it.
Love is like peeing your pants...
... Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.
My 3yo is in a phase where he makes up words a lot, and today I heard him singing "Crotch-ohs, crotch-ohs" over and over. I told my wife, "That sounds like the worst breakfast cereal ever..."
"But at least it's made with whole groins."
What is the weather always like above Google's headquarters?
Why is first-century Rome like a 2-star restaurant?
Neither one is concerned about cross contamination.
What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
My girlfriend is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
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