I found out today that I like it when experienced men touch me
And then I paid the chiropractor
I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'....
I was shopping at the grocery store like it was 1999. That’s when I realized the party was over...
Oops, they were out of thyme.
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
Robert E. Lee once said: "I like whiskey. I always did. And that is why I never drink it."
But that's just generally speaking.
I became a member of a cult, it’s a group of people that like to be awkward and challenge others.
It’s called the Diffi cult.
Bc I’m punny like that (saw it on Instagram)
My bro doesn't like it when I call him that
Guess that was the wrong bronoun.
There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.
...with a really angry bear somewhere close by.
Can I post here if i need help coming up with a pun? I’m a high school teacher and am implementing a “phone hotel”. I wanted to name it something clever. Like a name that sounds similar to a real hotel or even name it “Phone Hotel” with a clever slogan. Any ideas?
I told my friend that it feels like I'm dating a machine these days.
Daughter's video game character got turned into a vampire, she didn't like it when I said, "That sucks."
Jeez, I make a perfectly good vampire joke and that's the fangs I get.
I want to get my buddy a good present but all I can find is a painting that has a prostitute saying, "1,2,3,4..." and I don't think he'll like it.
But it's the thot that counts.
I like to claim that the Greek Orthodox secretly run the world through its financial networks…For some reason people are ok with that, try putting a different religion in there and suddenly you’re a conspiracy theorist and hate criminal
Those Catholics are real sensitive sometimes
"Is it weird if I really like the mountains that separate Europe from Asia?"
I asked my friend if he wanted to see that new Stephen King movie adaptation and it felt like a betrayal when he declined.
"It 2, Brute?" I had asked.
I told my dad that I didn't like his beard at first, but it's growing on me...
"Actually, it's growing on me."
Got me with it this morning.
I ordered an Italian salad, and it didn't even have any of that bitter, red, cabbage-like stuff...
How utterly radicchio-less.
I really like answering the door when I know who it is that's knocking.
I heard that they figured out how to break down and process corn and make it into plastic-like furniture.
Soon you will be able to purchase your very own veggie-table.
My friend Rhee died, but I've convinced myself that he's just gone far away. I don't like to talk about it, so when someone asks me I just say...
something i said that seems like it'd belong here
some person was drawing, and thought the lines they had weren't clear enough. so i said "yeah, they're clear. i can't see them"
I recently bought a sweater that had some Native American-like designs on it, when my dad saw me wearing it...
Dad: "Son, I think have some reservations about that sweater."
He then began chuckling deeply for a few minutes before I gave in and joined him.
I complained to my dentist that it felt like I had a toothache.
He told me it was all in my head.
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
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