He was being a reel crank.
Because it has a sandy bottom.
He said, "I don't care too much for Monet. Monet can't buy me love."
So I texted back: "Looks like you boarded the air-PLAIN.."
She didn't text me again.
Wife: "Would you PLEASE help look for molasses?" Me: "Sure. Find me a mole and I'll show you where his ass is."
Blank stare of death.
It really isn't fair that X is the only letter that gets fed. They should feed all of the other letters of the alphabet as well.
My girlfriend and I were talking and she goes "I put in a new earring this morning, but had to take it out because it got irritated." Naturally I replied "do you mean ear-ritated?" She didn't laugh, but I did, so who's the real winner?
โWoah, woah, doc,โ I said, โLetโs not make any rash decisions.โ
...a coal-lossal mistake!
Or as they called it, toot in common.
Not everyone has a method to their madness.
Story time:
So over the holiday, while visiting my mom, she asked me to run and pick up some groceries she had on her shopping list. So of course, I pack up my kids and we are off to the store. As I am perusing the juice aisle, my daughter squeals, "ELSA!!!!" Sure enough, there was Elsa, on the label of a bottle of apple juice. I thought, "Apple juice is on the list and it will make my daughter happy? Boom getting it!" Fast forward to putting groceries away at my mom's house.
Mom: "Did you get everything on my list?"
Me: "Yes mom."
Mom: as I am handing her the Elsa apple juice "Oh I wanted you to get the frozen apple juice"
Me: my face shifting from a look of irritation to a stupid-cheesy smirk "That IS Frozen apple juice..."
Mom: fighting the urge to smack me while rolling her eyes "OMG."
Because they're jalapeรฑo face!
It just doesn't make scents.
If anything its eyeitating me.
Someone holding the door for you.
A gas electric hybrid.
I guess this makes me his carbuncle.
I said, "Can I please just shower in peace?"
She replied, "I have a bag in the freezer if you want some."
I stonefaced her but it brought a tear to me eye, she's gonna be such a good dad. ^(Explanation ^since ^I ^know ^someone ^will ^ask: ^peace ^sounds ^like ^peas)
I think I have irritable bowl syndrome
Iโve still no idea
...so I grabbed my ear and began moving it in circles. She asked what the heck I was doing, and I told her I was ear-rotating. I got an eye roll and a punch for that one
"My spine, It holds me back."
He has irritable vowel syndrome
Vietnam, its very Hannoying
Nobody wanted to draw his iron.
Turns out I have Irritable Vowel Syndrome.
Me: {swatting angrily} These bugs are irritating!
SO: Are they... "Bugging" you?
Me: No! They are driving me nuts!
SO: They are driving you... "gnats"?
Me: GOD DAMN IT!!!
However, the mole couldn't reach them from the high trees and he struggled to climb them. Luckily, there was a tall giraffe who offered to help and got the oranges down for the mole.
The mole would go up to the giraffe every morning and ask him for some oranges. The giraffe would happily oblige but little by little he would get more irritated. One day, the giraffe finally got mad and told the mole to see the badger who could make a tool to help him get the oranges down from the tree.
The mole trundled over to the badger and asked him to make him a tool to help with the orange problem. The badger happily agreed to help and went into his shed. For a few days after: cutting, grinding and sawing could be heard coming from his shed when he finally emerged with a 4-pointed tool. He then proceeded to demonstrate the 4-point tool by sticking it into an orange and allowing the juice from which to drain down the arm of the tool.
The mole was extremely happy and excited by his new magnificent 4-point tool and showed everyone it's amazing capabilities. After a while, however, he realised he had shown it to pretty much everyone. Then he remembered the black cat resting under the oak tree. So he walked over to the tree and tried to show the black cat the 4-point tool. The cat said he couldn't see it properly and asked the mole to come closer. The mole took a few steps forward. Again, the black cat requested the mole to come closer and the mole cautiously stepped closer. Finally the black cat lunged forward and ate the 4-point tool.
The mole couldn't believe it and exclaimed, "Why did you do that?"
To which the black cat replied, "Oh haven't you heard? I am a 4-point tool eater Jaguar!"
Irritator
A man came home from work late again, tired and irritated, to find his 5 year old son waiting for him at the door.
โDaddy, may I ask you a question ?โ
โYeah, sure, what is it ?โ replied the man.
โDaddy, how much money do you make an hour?โ
โThatโs none of your business! What makes you ask such a thing?โ the man said angrily.
โI just want to know.ย Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?โ pleaded the little boy.
โIf you must know, I make $20.00 an hour.โ
โOh,โ the little boy replied, head bowed.
Looking up, he said, โDaddy, may I borrow $9.00 please?โ
The father was furious. โIf the only reason you wanted to know how much money I make is just so you can borrow some to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed.ย ย Think about why youโre being so selfish.ย I work long, hard hours every day and donโt have time for such childish games.โ
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
The man sat down and started to get even madder about the little boyโs questioning.ย How dare he ask such questions only to get some money.
After an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think he may have been a little hard on his son.ย May be there was something he really needed to buy with that $9.00 and he really didnโt ask for money very often.
The man went to the door of the little boyโs room and opened the door.ย โAre you asleep son?โ he asked.
โNo daddy, Iโm awake,โ replied the boy.
โIโve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier,โ said the man.ย โItโs been long day and I took my aggravation out on you. Hereโs that $9.00 you asked for.โ
The little boy sat straight up, beaming.
โOh, thank you daddy!โ he yelled.
Then, reaching under his pillow, he pulled out some more crumpled up bills.ย The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.
The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at the man.
โWhy did you want more money if you already had some?โ the father grumbled.
โBecause I didnโt have enough, but now I do,โ the little boy replied.
โDaddy, I have $20.00 now.ย Can I buy an hour of your time?โ
The father looked upon his son with a smile as he walked towards the door and said "Overtime is double pay."
Having dinner with fiancรฉ and parents, sausages, mash, vegetables. Delicious.
Fiancรฉ sits down with her dinner, my Dad asks her why she doesn't have broccoli?
Her: "I can't eat it with irritable bowel"
Me: "you should eat it with carrots like the rest of us"
Uncle and Dad laughed, everyone else stopped forks halfway to mouths.
The son goes into the kitchen. โHey mom, whatโs the new password?โ โI donโt know. Go ask your dad.โ The son comes back in the living room. โDad, mom says to ask you.โ He repeats, โGo ask your mother.โ This is repeated three more times until the son is totally pissed off and the mom is irritated as well.
Finally, before the son loses it, I take him aside. โDude, the password is g-o-@-s-k-y-o-u-r-m-0-t-h-e-r.โ โOhhhhhh!โ
Son: The doctor said I need to be sure to change my contacts every two weeks so my eyes don't get irritated. But I'm bad with setting reminders.
Dad: Just eyeball it.
As I work in a restaurant, a dad and his teenage son came for to go food order. When the dad had to sign the receipt, he asked whatโs the total to his son as he could not see properly. His son replied, itโs $80.65 canโt you see? Dad goes, โwait till you get to 46โ His son being irritated, I asked, Whereโs do you see yourself in two years?โ Son was speechless, and I told him, โ I was checking if you had a 2020 visionโ The dad laughed in shame.
Irritable howl syndrome.
A quaint little men's class,
a few with class,
some smelling of a gin glass,
some with eyes of a lass,
the remainder eyeing a lad,
but all glad,
and all present,
youngster of the present,
bearders of the crescent,
readers new testaments,
preachers of old testaments,
bearers of saffron tenets,
wearers of white tints,
weird lovers of croissant,
well, all here, will all hear?
we never know,
lets look at the show
The English teacher, said,
"how to drink a juice?"
i know, said bart the bartender,
"with vodka and chicken tender"
the weirded beardo now angry,
showed he was a shouter,
wanted to be a bart-ender,
while shushing the crowd,
use a pipe, piped up a voice, loud,
"huh" exclaimed preacher pastor,
"no smoking" he said, showing a guilty fluster ,
"no sir" said the voice,
I'm extra maker,
spoke the voice quicker,
Mr.White scratching head,
"I'm an ex-straw maker",
the air cleared.
Proceeding further, Teacher continued,
the class was listening, eyes glued,
"etiquette is important" he said,
"wear napkin before eating",
their faces changed,
pulse now beating,
Mr.White said, "sir, we don't bleed",
an irritated saffron Sundar spoke,
"if you bleed, education you don't need"
the English sir, now a sundered bloke,
calmed the masked fish market,
as his God's fate chisel hammered,
"Do you know how to fork?" he stammered,
a brief silence, and too many whispers later
"I Pen is use sir", said a bright face,
"Do you know how to use a fork?" he corrected,
with damage now done, Silence resumed.
>ThePundits
Told him my legs were irritated from shaving them earlier. He responds with "Don't you mean leg-itated?"
John started working in a color pigment company which specialises in mixing and editing different color pigments according to their customers's demands. Once the color pigments were done, they would be mailed out to the customers with a detailed note commenting on the properties of the produced color pigments. John was placed in the 'Pink Pigment' department which was incidentally between the 'Red Pigment' and 'White Pigment' departments. He was really good at his job and was constantly praised for the great work he produced.
However after a month or so, John found that a number of his work was being duplicated and mailed to almost all of his customers. Worse of all, instead of a proper note commenting on the color pigment properties, these duplicated products were accompanied with rather bad puns and jokes. One repeating joke which irritated him the most was: 'What do you call a country with only pink cars? A pink car-nation.'
Upset, he went to his manager to complain about the problem. After listening to John, his manager said, "Oh boy, looks like I need to talk to the manager of the 'Red Pigment' department again. This is not the first time that it has happened. Those Red-editors in that department love to copy and repost other people's original work as their own."
John then asked, "How are you so sure that it was them who are responsible?"
His manager replied, "Well, you can be certain that it is them as they always love jokes or puns especially in the comment section."
A man sees a celebrity he admires on the street and runs over to him but doesnโt take the hint that the celebrity wants to be alone and is irritable. After about 10 minutes of following him and shouting at him the man yells, โI love this guy, heโs the shit!โ The celebrity finally has enough and punches the man in the face... And thatโs when the shit hit the fan
Me: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Boyfriend: What happened to the normal sized patients?
She was walking down the hall towards her door, and I was leaving to go move my laundry from the washer to the dryer. Right as she was walking into her apartment, she said, "Have fun doing laundry!"
I sarcastically replied, "Oh im sure I'll have loads."
She backtracked out of her door just to give a sickened and irritated look.
I am so proud right now.
Your handbrake. (I could almost see the irritating smoke coming from her nostrils.)
Every time I would get irritated, and say "Hey!" He would just say "Straw" and walk off.
So I'm just going to begin this story with myself coming home from school after a long day. My sister after doing everything around the house asked me if I could walk the dog. "Yeah sure! No problem." No problem. So I plug in my headphones and leave to take her for a walk. So I left the house and within 5 minutes my dog had sat down and refused to move until at least 10 people had passed for no real reason. She then proceeded to rear up on her hind legs and drop possibly the biggest crap pattie I had ever seen come out of this dog. Luckily for a change I have bags so no biggie, I pull one out, bend over and suddenly my music gets slightly quieter. Now, after a long day of studying and tests and whatnot I didn't really notice what had happened until I went to stand up and felt the slightest resistance in the cord, I look down only to see my earbud covered in dog crap. I had no choice but to un plug my headphones and abandon them like a wounded soldier in battle. Of corse I come home to see my dad and my sister sitting on the couch talking about their day only to see me walk in looking a bit angry. "Hey what's up with you?" My Sister asks, "Like why do you look so grumpy?" In my mood after this irritating mishap I can only grumble "I dropped my headphones in her turd" I reply, only for my dad to retort with "Hey, how about you stop listening to shitty music for a change!"
I hope you enjoyed the story of my struggle, he said this and all I could think of was posting this.
We just finished setting up the tree; we were all looking at the angel on the top, and I noticed she looked a little irritated. So I voiced it. "She looks like she's pissed at one of us." I said. Dad looks up, squints his eyes, and says... "She looks like she has a stick up her ass."
They may be suffering from irritable vowel syndrome.
My wife wanted a chicken burrito, but they gave her steak.
She wasn't irritated; apparently it was pretty good.
Me: "So you weren't annoyed by their mis-steak?"
She pretended she didn't think I was hilarious. It's so charming.
He's 4 years old and walked into the kitchen while I was at my aunt and uncle's house. My aunt saw him and got slightly irritated because this was a problem she thought he had gotten over. She goes to talk to her husband about it:
Aunt: Keegan had another accident honey.
Uncle: Oh did he now?
Aunt: Yes. And I'm making dinner, so can you please deal with this? (at this point she is still pretty ticked off)
Uncle: oh I'll deal with it. Keegan come here.
Keegan walks over
Uncle: Urine a lot of trouble mister. Can't you pee that you're pissing your mother off?
My uncle proceeded to laugh uncontrollably at his own joke while my four year old cousin stood there looking really confused and my aunt walked away with her arms crossed, angrily trying to hold back her laughter.
GF: Ugh I've got mostly vowels!
Me: Sounds like you have irritable vowel syndrome
I could hear her eyes rolling from the other side of the world.
Professor: "Does anyone know what the definition of a mandate is?"
Steven chuckles
Professor: "Steven, you are chuckling like you know the answer."
Steven: "No...I just have a funny image in my head."
Professor notably irritated
Professor: "Do I want to know?"
Steven: "Well, Bush and Cheney are hanging out at a restaurant...on a mandate."
Professor actually appreciates joke, rest of class groans
Props, Steven. I lost my shit.
...has anyone seen it? Seriously, it's been gone for a while.
We were sitting at lunch and my father has the text message ring tone that sounds like a bird chirping when it rings. He was receiving a lot of messages at lunch and kept asking the waitress if there was a bird in the restaurant. My mother became irritated and exclaimed, "I'll show you the bird" and then proceeded to flip him off and keel over laughing at her own joke.
So a frog walks into a bank to get a car loan. He walks over to Patricia Wack, who happened to be the loan officer. "Ms. Wack I would like to get a car loan, but I want the title in my name." Ms. Wack asks the frog if has any sort of collateral. He replis "well, all I have is this is this token I got from the Grand Canyon." Patricia tells him there is no way she can take that. Irritated the frog asks the see the manager, so Patricia calls the manager over and explains the situation. The manager looks at the frog, then the token, then Ms. Wack and proclaims, "That's a knick knack Patty Wack give the frog a loan."
While watching the local news, the meteorologist tells us how hot it got today and he didn't say what it would be like tomorrow. My dad proceeds to say, slightly irritated. "If you know so much about the past, why didn't you become a History teacher"
I was at a snack stand today with my dad and there were bees flying all over the stand and bothering everyone. My dad and I walked away from the stand and I said, "damn those bees were really irritating". To which he replied "Yeah, they're really bad for beesnis".
Me: Well, according to the doctor, I have IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome)
Dad: Well, shit. Laughs hysterically
After spending an hour cleaning a filthy fridge for the second time in three weeks, I was irritable and complaining loudly about all the nasty leftovers left in there. My boyfriend, trying to be cute, opens up a jar of pickled okra and puts one into my mouth mid-sentence...
Him: "Here have some."
Me: Sigh "Okay..."
Him: It's hard to argue with pickled okra...
...because it doesn't talk."
Doctor says I have irritable vowel syndrome.
Irritable Vowel Syndrome.
