Post your most recent, facepalm-inducing puns!

[during tonight's Minnesota Wild/Chicago Blackhawks game]

Me: "Hey, do you want to hear a hockey joke?"

Eldest sister: "No."

Me: "OK. Just checking."

Your turn! Make me cringe! :D

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Metallica93
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2015
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[META] Dad jokes should be clean, not just groan-inducing. That's what makes it a Dad joke, we can tell it to the kids in front of Mom and not get in trouble (other than maybe for the punchline).
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πŸ‘€︎ u/b6a6a6l
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
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What do you call a dream induced by a broken bone?

A femur dream.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/egos_marvel
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
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The Government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns...

It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquillity and normality following the recent pandemic.

Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.

EDIT: Thank you so much for my first award!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PSN_Clamour_Kid
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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I knew a drug addict that was so desperate for a high he snorted curry powder. Got really ill and taken to hospital.

He was put in an induced korma.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrDobble
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
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What do you call a series of short strokes induced by consuming pizza?

Little Seizures

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Im_a_dum_bum
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
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I told my dad that the Doctor may induce my wife into labour tomorrow

My dad: Oh, so 9 months ago she was se-duced and now tomorrow she'll be in-duced.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sane123
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2016
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I'm planning on sending an incredibly groan inducing dad joke to a friend every day for a couple weeks. Suggestions? The cornier the better.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dimentioze
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2015
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My wife is going to be induced into labor tomorrow.

On Labor day. Seriously shes pregnant with our 3rd boy and hes over a week late.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zoolilba
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2017
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I'm on my way

My wife is 37 weeks pregnant and is scheduled to be induced this morning. She woke up last night just after midnight (I checked) to use the washroom and when she got back into bed I asked her if it was after 12 yet. She said she thought so and asked why. I told her I wanted to be the first to wish her a Happy Birth Day! She appropriately groaned then giggled, so I think I'm ready. Wish me luck!

Edit: We got him a couple hours ago! Everything went well, no complications. Thanks reddit strangers for the comments and well wishes. I know the rules say nothing identifying, 'oh when' ever they change that I'll post his name. Goodnight everyone, I have to try and nap before his feeding

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AspiringBuddhist
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
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In which I pull a Dad joke and cringe induces

spills water down myself when drinking

Me: β€œSorry, I have a drinking problem”

Her: β€œHahahaha”

forget her dad has drinking problem

Me: β€œThat is such a dad joke”

silence is deafening

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rozzeh
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2013
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Groan-inducing joke from my dad

We were watching TV last night and a woman on the show kept saying, "My grandkids isn't _____."

After she'd said it a few times, my dad sighed and said, "My grandkids aren't. I can't stand bad grammar...

...or bad grampar either."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZugTheMegasaurus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2013
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Out for dinner with my dad and he drops these groan inducers

The feild of astronomy is looking up. Red dwarfs aren't so hot. Black holes are out of sight. The astronomers watched the moon for 24 hours then called it a day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mego-pie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2014
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Saw this over on r/me_irl and thought it belonged here.

https://i.imgur.com/uNycdzx.jpg

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OneManArmy96
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2016
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Got hit with a dad joke the other day

It hurt.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ARandomKid781
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2014
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Parents attended pirate night at the church - find the pun.

The local congregation held a pirate-themed fundraising dinner, my parents attended, this picture ensued. I missed the pun out of the gates - how long will it take /r/dadjokes?

(spacing for mobile users)

http://imgur.com/1UsHwvH

May the best dadjoker win! Groan-inducing hint to arrive in 1hr.

Edit: looks like I have a lot to learn... Goodnight reddit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/emcniece
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2015
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Classic Dad

Every time my brother or I say "Oh my God" in exasperation, my dad says, "You don't have to call me God, I'm just Dad." A classic yet painful groan-inducer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Samotage820
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2015
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One of my dad's many jokes relating to his farts

My mom, wondering if we had enough leftovers to save: "What do you think?" Dad: rips a disgusting eggplant-induced fart......."Did you say,'what do you stink'?" Mom to me, as I'm laughing hysterically: "Do you see what I have to live with?!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jneeb
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2014
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The Greatest Infidelity Joke My Grandfather Ever Told Me.

Recently, Joe has been under the slight suspicion that his wife is cheating on him. So, one day he comes home early from work, to his crap-shoot apartment on the eighth floor, and hears her scurrying around when he enters. Almost as if there's another person in the house. When he calls out her name she hollers back that she just ran into the shower. So he investigates the bedroom and encounters a shocking surprise... a pair of hands dangling from the other side of the window sill! Those of a grown man, hanging on for dear life. Infuriated at the sight of the man who's sleeping with his wife, Joe takes the bedside lamp and starts bashing the guy's fingers until he falls eight stories onto the sidewalk. Only he's still alive, writhing and broken. So Joe hauls the refrigerator from the kitchen out the window, sending it down onto the poor sucker, killing him instantly. Now the hysteria of the moment induces a fatal heart attack and Joe himself, dies. So now, as he's up at the pearly gates, St. Peter is telling all the incoming souls that in order to gain access into heaven, they need to provide a solid account of how they died. After hearing Joe's story, St. Peter allows him in. The next man in line says that he was tanning in the sun, drunk, on the roof of his apartment building when he fell off, only to catch hold of a window sill that could have saved his life, until a crazed bastard beat his fingers and threw a refrigerator onto him. St. peter tells him that he's a shoe-in. And when he asks the next guy in line how he ended up deceased, the guy replies, "...So I'm naked in a refrigerator, right?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jazzinassazzin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2015
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Friend Dad-joked me.

So its not really a dad joke, since my friend who is not a father said it...But I groaned loudly, so I think it qualifies.

We're walking along and see a bunch of pigeons. He asks "Which do you hate more, pigeons or seagulls?" to which I replied "Seagulls obviously. They shit the same amount but they come with that annoying noise". He then smiled ear to ear before saying "Yeah, pigeons are Coo".

I don't hear from my father very much, let alone dad jokes, but I guess no matter what I'll always encounter a groan-inducing dad joke one way or another.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Teacup
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2014
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Every time we drive up the turnpike through Elizabeth...

We're from NJ (he's been here his entire life). That part of the turnpike is how we get our bad name (smells, industrial, crime).

Every single time we drive through Elizabeth he proclaims, WHO'S ELIZABETH AND WHY SHE SMELL SO BAD?! followed by many self induced chuckles.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/citylikeAMradio
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2013
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Collective Groaning at Lunch Today...

I was eating lunch with my two friends and one of their dads today. The dad picks up a french fry from his plate and announces to the table:

"I can turn this fry into a dragon."

The entire table knew something groan-inducing was about to transpire.

(Holds the fry up and shows the table) "See, it's a fry now."

(Starts rubbing the fry against the table top) "And now it's a draggin'."

Faces leapt into palms and collective groaning was had.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/betabot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2014
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My Dad's, Dad joke.

(We are from Montana.)

Montana and North Dakota are in the middle of a war. The NDs have amassed a huge army and are about to march over a hill to invade MT. The commander of the ND army decides to send out a couple of scouts to see if the way is clear. Almost immediately after the two scouts disappear over the top of the hill, loud crashing and rumbling sounds come from the direction they went. After waiting until they are overdue for return, the commander decides to send a squad over to check out what happened. As they pass out of sight, a loud raucous was again heard from the other side of the hill. The commander becomes concerned and decides not to wait for them to return. He sends an entire platoon over the hill, telling them to take out any resistance they meet and return with any survivors. Once again, as the men disappear over the hill, the terrible sounds of war rush over the entire army and then slowly die down until nothing could be heard but the beating of the commanders heart. A proud man, never before defeated in battle, he decides to lead the entire army over the hill himself to destroy the opposition once and for all, but as they begin to march they see a single, mangled, ND soldier pulling himself up over the top of the hill by the only functioning limb of his body. Beaten, bloody and near death, he manages, with help, to make it to the commander and says; "Sir... (cough) Don't go... (spit, cough) It's a trap..."

And in the surprise induced silence he says;

"There's TWO of 'em."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/error-div_by_zero
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2013
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