Figured this was the ideal moment to repost this ol’ pun. Happy Father’s Day.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/renoraid
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
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What do you call finding cheap eyeballs on the black market

Ideal

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dickfingersjr
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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What is the ideal temperature for a baby’s room?

Womb temperature

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lewrek
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
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Mark has several qualities that make him an ideal candidate for cloning.

He’s remarkable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notyou61
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2018
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How many birds does it take to change a lightbulb?

Ideally three, but Toucan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chrono_bound20xx
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
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A recruitment agency phoned me up. 'Can you tell me what your ideal position is?' asked the woman, very politely.

Apparently, 'legs up on the sofa' wasn't the answer she was looking for.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2018
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Finally had the chance to use my favourite dad joke; got the ideal reaction

http://i.imgur.com/RsVJIte.png

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fiftyseven
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2015
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When is the ideal time to go to the dentist?

Tooth hurty.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryzikx
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2017
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What is the ideal workload for a Spanish-speaking lawyer?

At least a quesadilla.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/februaryrent
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2017
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My ideal vacation is playing craps in Vegas.

It's a paradise.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrianKid
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2017
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If there was a city of nothing but hip hop artists where all of the residents were informal or unconventional, promoting new age ideals...

it would be a bohemian rap city.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/reddidendrite
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2015
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A friend recently asked me what I’ve been up to lately....

I told him, β€œOh about five foot, eleven!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArcaneWizard1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
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Buwanna

I recall from my youth, a time of great adventure. My friends and I on safari hunting the Great North-American Man-Eating Female Butt-Ox.

The hunt was difficult and expensive. Once one has been identified as an acceptable specimen you need to slow its wits and dull its decision making process. This is best accomplished with loud music, flashing lights and alcohol. But even then the hunt can be foiled by rushing in to early. If you're successful, you then need to separate it from the pack. This is the trickiest bit as less than ideal pack members will often fight ruthlessly to "protect" your target.

But even the most successful outings are not without risk. On several occasions I found myself entangled in a wrestling match for hours. But there lies the fruit of the hunt...

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πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
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Extended Christmas dad prank

When my brother and I were little, we put out milk and cookies for Santa and carrots for the reindeers on Christmas eve, and woke up on Christmas morning to find them mostly eaten. We were delighted at proof of our nighttime visitors.

The next year our dad told us he had gotten an inside tip from the north pole: that Santa actually liked ramen and beer, not milk and cookies (as other, less well informed, dads and kids had always thought).

For years, we dutifully cooked ramen, put it on a table by the fireplace with a cold beer on the side, and woke up to the ramen and beer having been consumed in the night.

I knew my dad wasn't fond of milk or cookies, but it wasn't until later that we connected the dots and found out the deal about Santa. My dad was the one who ate the Santa food once we went to bed, and he had secretly convinced us to prepare his ideal midnight snack for as long as we believed in Santa.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/queenermagard
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
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Christmas/Pirate Puns Request

I know this isn’t entirely relevant to the subreddit, but I’m not sure where else to ask. Can someone think of a pun to combine Christmas and Pirates, ideally one that could be used as a team name?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FakeSalsa
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2018
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Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming

Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming. Each was devoted to the search for ultimate wisdom, but they differed greatly on how it was to be found. One day their pet chicken fell ill, began to molt, and soon lost all of its feathers! The brothers decided that this would be an ideal test case and agreed to each spend two months trying to cure the chicken. Hing immediately went back to the university. Having boned up on ornithology and traditional Chinese medicine, he decided that the answer was a prescription of gum-tree leaf tea. He gathered bushels of the tea leaves, brewed gallons of the tea, and poured it into the chicken for the two months.

Meanwhile, Ming traveled all around China, praying at the shrines of his ancestors. One night he had a dream. His ancestors appeared and told him to feed the chicken tea made from gum-tree leaves!!!

Ming, aware of his brother’s lack of success, decided that the problem was quantity. He gathered whole CARTLOADS of leaves, and brewed BARRELS of the tea, and poured them into the chicken for the two months. At the end of the time, the poor chicken was still as naked as a bowling ball.

Moral: All of Hing’s courses, and all of Ming’s kin; couldn’t make gum tea re-feather a hen!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
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It's too bad that the Spanish were the first Europeans to settle in what is now San Francisco.

It would have been an ideal location for the Quakers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPalancik
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2018
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If you want to get the best PokΓ©mon, you have to try to sneeze as perfectly as possible.

It's ideal to get Peak Achoo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChrisTaliaferro
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2018
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Need help for good puns

My class is making a short action film. In this scene the main character just strangled a bad guy using his own earphones. Then he drops the dead body and puts on sunglasses (csi style) and says......????? Help Make a good pun and or comeback. (does not have to be school appropriate) I'm opun to any ideals

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πŸ‘€︎ u/3XPL01T
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2013
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Got my mom just now

My mom and I were talking about how she was inspired by the show Tiny House Nation. (For those who aren't familiar, it is a show about downsizing, and living in a more eco friendly house). She was describing her ideal layout, how she would live with her sisters and how there would be sleeping quarters for their children (me being one of them) to visit.

I naturally chimed in with "That's alright, I just need a sleeping nickel". She chuckled, then groaned. I chuckled, and posted it here!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stonersebass
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2016
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Caught my mom and sister with this dad joke

So they were in the living room, discussing when is the best time to buy clothes, bedsheets and pillows. The conversation went like this:

Mom: did you know right now is the best time to buy pillows?

Sister: I didn't know that, why is that?

Me: Well, because ideally, you'd want to buy pillows before you go to bed.

Collective groans and sighs were had, a sign of a job well done.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2014
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I was going for a run this morning...

I went on a run this morning, and I passed by a man who was picking up after his dog. We looked at each other, and I said good morning with a look of sympathy for his less than ideal task. He looks me dead in the eyes, holds up the bag, and says "This is a load of shit!"

The man was not my dad, but he looked like a dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/denimalpaca
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2013
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How many birds does it take to change a lightbulb?

Ideally three, but toucan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhoTheF---AmI
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?

Ideally three, but Toucan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MsUneek
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report

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