π︎ 314
π
︎ Feb 26 2017
My dad tells people his name is Sam at every restaurant we go to so when they call his name he can say "Sam I am"
He does this at every restaurant. He has been going to the same Starbucks for about 7 years now and to this day they still think his name is Sam.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Mar 07 2015
I am reading a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is gonna happen, I can feel it.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ May 01 2021
Get help... I am dying here
π︎ 385
π
︎ May 16 2021
I am a mom but, here goes
Did you know that NASA sent a chicken to the moon?
You remember the a pollo missions.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Apr 25 2021
I don't even know how many puns I made here. I am a pun-aholic.
π︎ 423
π
︎ May 01 2021
I asked my wife if I am the only one she has ever been with.
She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.
π︎ 330
π
︎ May 18 2021
I went to a job interview today and the interviewer asked me "what is your greatest weakness?". I said "I am too honest"
He said "I don't think that's a weakness"
"Well I don't give a f* what you think"
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Mar 09 2021
I am so good at sleeping
I can do it with my eyes closed.
π︎ 134
π
︎ May 01 2021
Why couldn't Sam ever get along with his Father's sister, Ithesis?
π︎ 8
π
︎ May 03 2021
Siri just said βI am serious, and donβt call me Shirley.β
Turns out Iβd left my phone in Airplane mode.
π︎ 44
π
︎ May 14 2021
Pirate Ship Captain: I am desperate. Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Jan 21 2021
I am at the waiting room of the doctorβs office, wondering when my girlfriendβs checkup will be over.
Sitting at the Doc of the Bae, wasting time.
π︎ 36
π
︎ May 06 2021
Her: Iβm leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Jan 23 2021
I am sooooo proud of myself for this one π
π︎ 492
π
︎ Feb 11 2021
I am the punisher, feel my laugh!
π︎ 46
π
︎ Apr 03 2021
Everyone keeps asking me that why am I such a pessimist all the time
I keep telling them that it's in my blood, be negative.
π︎ 20
π
︎ May 01 2021
I am completely mesmerized by your front door
π︎ 12
π
︎ May 16 2021
My wife was telling me I am of average intelligence.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Dec 25 2020
I'm not sure I am that hungry
π︎ 34
π
︎ Apr 12 2021
I asked my friend Sam to sing me a song about my iPhone.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jan 07 2021
I am so glad Tinder found me a match
Because yesterday I lost my lighter.
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 18 2021
A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"
"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Dec 08 2020
My wife says I am spending too much money on mirrors
Itβs time for some self reflection
π︎ 7
π
︎ May 11 2021
I ran after the garbage truck yelling βam I too late for the garbage?β
The driver stopped and said βNo, jump right in!β
π︎ 8
π
︎ May 07 2021
And so Sam sung note 7
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Oct 29 2020
I always say "mucho" when i am around my hispanic friends
π︎ 49
π
︎ Apr 24 2021
My 14 year old dropped this one on me - I am so proud: two snare drums and a cymbal fall over a cliff...
π︎ 12
π
︎ May 02 2021
I am not a fan of the corn maze.
I feel like I'm being stalked, It's eary.
π︎ 8
π
︎ May 05 2021
I know a family of Artists but I am not sure how they make so much Money
π︎ 428
π
︎ Feb 16 2021
I am like a modern day Zeus....
I am not strong or godlike I am just constantly horny.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Apr 14 2021
I am opening a rock'n'roll-themed Opticians.
I'm going to call it Johnny C Goode.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Apr 09 2021
I like to shit at 11:59pm and end at 12:05 am
π︎ 42
π
︎ Mar 12 2021
I tried to become a stand up comedian, but it turns out that I am more of a "sit down" comedian.
After every joke I told, someone kept yelling "sit down"!
π︎ 25
π
︎ Mar 29 2021
I am reading this article that compares all the different versions of The Bible.
There is a lot of cross referencing.
π︎ 54
π
︎ Mar 23 2021
So this plane takes off, am I right??
...I guess not every joke lands
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 27 2021
What the hell am I dough-inβ here? I donut belong here
π︎ 18
π
︎ Mar 03 2021
My mom has 3 kids. My brother was born a gas, my sister a liquid and I am a solid. Yesterday my mom looked upset so I asked her what was wrong. She said "I'm pregnant"
So I said "Okay, what's the matter?"
π︎ 13
π
︎ Mar 29 2021
Am I punny enough for the pun club?
π︎ 21
π
︎ Feb 13 2021
If my son ever came out to be trans then I wouldnβt have a son anymore
π︎ 7k
π
︎ May 07 2021
I am nor sure my sister knows any geography...
π︎ 12
π
︎ Apr 03 2021
I am terrified of negative numbers...
I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
π︎ 69
π
︎ Feb 23 2021
My professor wrote on his syllabus "If anyone asks me how I'm doing, my answer will always be 'I am great, how are you?'"
So when we ask him how he's doing, his answer is "It's on the syllabus".
π︎ 9
π
︎ Mar 02 2021
Did you hear about the guy who murdered Cap'n, Tony and Sam?
He's this country's most notorious cereal killer
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 24 2021
I hate how funerals are always at 9 am.
I'm not really a mourning person.
π︎ 26
π
︎ Mar 08 2021
My Bluetooth speaker wasnβt working so I threw it into the lake.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ May 11 2021
Shireman Sam.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 04 2021
I asked my wife if I am the only one she has ever been with.
She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.
π︎ 156
π
︎ May 09 2021
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