Hot Rolled Puns

He replied, ‘Me car door. That way, if I get hot, I can just roll me window down.’

Said to my father, "It's hot out there."

He said, "The sun must be out."

I said, "The son is out, trimming trees with the mom!"

Eyes rolled.

and my 7 yo son asked why the pan they bring to the table is so hot.

I replied, "well, they aren't called facoldas, are they?"

He rolled his eyes and my wife groaned.

I smiled and enjoyed my fajitas.

My friend asked me if poblano peppers were hot. I said "I don't know, pobanobly not" and then chuckled for two minutes while she rolled her eyes.

Bob asked Tom, “what did you bring?” “A bottle of water, I’m sure to get thirsty in a desert” replied Tom.

“What did you bring?” Tom asked. “This sandwich. I figure I’m gonna get hungry what with all of the walking.” replied Bob.

Bob and Tom turn to the third man, and ask “Forrest, what have you got there?” Forrest said, “I have a car door, if it gets too hot, I’ll roll down the window.”

Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.

Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!

Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!

For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers

This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues

“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.

Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!

I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.

How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!

When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day

What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!

What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood

What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us

What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”

Did you hear about the wild party at the haunted house? The whole vibe was anything ghost (goes).

How do you write a book about halloween? With a ghostwriter.

I’m going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always do… by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake. Sincerely,

Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?” The other monster replied, “Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.

The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you’re not will lead to a sweet reward.

I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it’s Election night.

I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I’m dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.

Why dident the skeleten go to the halloween party? Becuse he had no body to go with.

What did the bird say on Halloween? Trick or tweet!

What do Italian’s eat on Halloween? Fettucinni Afraid-o (Ha ha ha)

Why can’t the boy ghost have babies? A. Because he has a Hallo-weenie.

What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween? A. Ghoul-aid!!!

What do ghosts eat for supper? Spooketi

What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope it’s Halloween!!

What is the most important subject a witch learns in school? Spelling.

Wife: The Flash is my favorite superhero!

Me: Why? Is it because he's hot?

Wife: What?

Me: Yeah, the 'Hot Flash'!

Wife: Thinking..... Oh my God... I get it now. Rolls eyes

Bloody Mary, Bulgogi

Fish Tacos

Corned beef, Crab Salad, Clams, Creamcicle

Fruit Roll-Ups

Jerked Beef

Kumquat

NutterButter

Red Hots

Pigs in Blanket, Pot Stickers, Pulled Pork

Spotted dick, Stuffed Peppers

Tuna Melt, Twizzlers

Virgin Margarita

To which I replied, "Unless it's exothermic, in which case it's hot"

The eye roll was audible.

OK... so did you ever notice how every time you spend 4 days alone in the woods and you make it out without a scratch or even a mosquito bite, and you're feeling all peaceful and relaxed and at one with the universe, you're not home 20 minutes and unloading the back of your truck when you slam your right shin into the trailer hitch... and amid the flashing white stars around you, your fists clench, your teeth grit, your body tenses and every "mean, nasty and ugly" word you ever read, heard, uttered or even imagined ("Wait... is #*&%#@!!! even a word??? Oh what the heck? It works!") goes tearing through your brain.... and eventually it passes and you keep working, surprised you're not even limping and it doesn't hurt more than it does... and almost an hour later, when you're finished and getting undressed to take your first hot shower in days, you see a lump on your shin the size of Rhode Island... and the first image that pops into your head is John Merrick yelling "I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!!!... in fact, it literally looks like a second knee on your right leg... so you spend the rest of the evening keeping it elevated and icing it on and off, alternating between a blue gel pack and a bag of frozen peas.... and when you go to bed, you keep the gel pack on while you read and then take it off before you go to sleep... and then you wake up around 3AM and decide to check your shin and the swelling has gone down quite a bit... but since you still have several hours before you get up, you decide to ice it again... but the gel pack on the floor is no longer cold so you get up, walk to the kitchen and open the fridge... and after taking a bite of leftover pizza from last night (because... well, you're here and what the heck?), you go into the freezer, grab the bag of frozen peas and take them back to bed with you... but they're all frozen into one big solid ball and well, that won't do... so you lay the bag on the bed to pound it once or twice to break them up, but instead the bag bursts open and suddenly there are frozen peas sprayed all over the bed and rolling onto the floor... and all those words from yesterday come rushing back into your head as you kneel to gather them all up... but suddenly your anger completely vanishes and you can't help laughing to yourself as you think, "gee, I can't remember the last time I pea'd the bed in the middle of the night"???

A few years back my mom was having some kind of stomoach problem, my dad took her to the doctor where she drank some kind of radioactive dye for some kind of diagnosis. My dad comes into their home-office where I am fixing their computer. "Hey Jake, C'mere" he says. He's holding a Geiger counter he has from who knows where. My mom is laying in her bed and he gets it closer and closer to her stomach and it goes off, flashing red! I am dying, laughing so hard then he says "Looks like we've got one hot mama" My mom just rolls her eyes and groans. One of the most hilarious things I have ever seen in my life.

While my girls were playing with their new doll house, they were making their dolls say they were hungry.

Me: * grabs toy dog and toy BBQ. Places dog on grill *

Oldest: what are you doing? That's not very nice.

Me: we're having * lifts lid off Bbq * hot dogs!

Wife: * rolls eyes *

We just went out for breakfast and this was the exchange between my boys:

M- Ahh jeez! These cinnamon rolls are hot!"

J- "...Well, yeah? That's just how cinnamon rolls"

M- sigh "yeah?"

I was at a restaurant with my dad and girlfriend last night and I got a side called "Macho Peas" which are just peas in a hot sauce (pretty tasty, actually). The waiter came by to ask us how everything was, and I asked him "What landmark do you get when you eat this dish?" "I don't know, what?" "Macho Peas Chew!"

Eye rolls and groans all around!

Because if you get hot you can roll the window down.