So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink and asks the bartender:
-Is Crimea ours?
-Yes, it is.
-And the Donbas?
-Also ours.
-Kyiv?
-We got that too.
Satisfied, he drinks and asks:
-Thanks. How much do I owe you?
-5 euros.
But I won't be sad, cause two out of three ain't bad.
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a you problem".
So now I live direct-deposit to direct-deposit instead.
A man in the back yells "You wouldn't have enough bullets mate!"
But I’m too lazy.
My dad, who's in his 50's, bought a new Tesla Model S and was out for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to let her rip!
As the needle jumped up to 90 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red & blue lights behind him. "There's no freakin' way they can catch a Tesla," he thought to himself. So he let her rip further. The needle hit 100, 120… then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, examined it, then said:
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
My dad thinks for a second then says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer
The man says, “Well, if you’re all here, why the hell are the lights on downstairs!?”
Push a man out of a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
Trick question, they don’t have agenda
Or, as it's also known, R gone
“Get a life!”
With his Judo-Christian values.
(It's my first time, be gentle ;-;)
he ended up on the wrong layer
They've been hinting for ages there's eternal oil in there.
It keeps telling me it's Wednesday
I like to play it every so often.
Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:Edit2: More birds again
Especially since they never get anything done!
That's when I'll be Haydn!
He sold the wheelchairs on ebay.
I'm sure he'll come around.
I often put them in the wrong places.
Portmanteau.
Great view, terrible atmosphere..
Mad-at-gas-car. (This one was told by a friend's daughter)
I stole this:
Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing.
Confused, he asks them why they're happy.
They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."
Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.
He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to turn the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.
"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"
Satan realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.
He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement. He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"
They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"
When someone hands you a roll of wallpaper, you know you have a job ahead of you.
I’m assuming it’s the premium package of LGBTQ
I'm so proud of my dotter.
So my son came up to me the other day, and said "dad, I'm going out with friends. Can I have $20?".
So I asked him "$15, what the hell do you need $10 for? "
I heard this joke like 20 years ago and I still chuckle when I think of it.
Because he might Pikachu!
All the demonstrations.
We were entry-level accountants at a large firm, doing a coffee run for a team of about 20. It took foreverrr for the cafe to make them all and even longer for us to figure out how to get all these coffees back upstairs. We finally get back to the team and one of the partners exclaimed “Guys! Where the hell have you been?! That took half an hour!” Being new we sort of didn’t say anything and slunk away to our desks. Then, out of nowhere about 15 seconds later, my mate sticks his head up and yells “better latte than never!”
That’s when he became my best mate.
Push a man out of the plane and he will fly for the rest of his life.
A man in the back yells "You wouldn’t have enough bullets mate!"
u/Waldkraut 😜
I'm sure he'll come around.
