I saw an advertisement of two seventeen year old district level players shaking hands after the match

It was for a protein shake

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nebula_Orion
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2021
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Some people aren't shaking hands because of the Coronavirus.

I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vole182
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
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If your dog shakes hands with your enemy, has he committed a foe paw?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CatsCreepMeowt
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
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I'm going to open a pizza joint where they shake a box a bit before they hand it to you.

I'll call it Little Seizures.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zigbigidorlu
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
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What do you call Spider-Man when his hands shake all the time?

Peter Parkinson

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πŸ‘€︎ u/uniformbreak320
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
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What do you call a cow in a earthquake

A milkshake

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Fox1984
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2021
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If you see a pretty woman and your hands start to shake, you become weak in the knees, and you develop a warm feeling in your chest...

Go to bed. You've got the flu.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2019
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I'm baffled at the fact that my cat always shakes (my hand) when I ask her to.

She always gives me paws.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImurderREALITY
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2018
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Daughters boyfriend introduced himself to me he said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".

He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said "then why are you shaking?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fartingpinetree
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
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I'm sitting in traffic with my dad today when he scoffs, shakes his head, throws up his hand and says "look at THIS clown over here!"

I look over and there is literally a dude in full clown make-up driving a vw bettle next to us. Pop maintained a straight face through the whole thing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/robinson217
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2014
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I'm hungry!

Hi hungry, nice to meet you I'm dad. (He would say while shaking my hand)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BackgroundCow8631
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
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Did you know Shakespeare had a brother who was a foot soldier in the military?

He would get so nervous before battle that he couldn't keep his hands from shaking. The say he wielded quite the shaky-spear.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Mjolner_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
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What happens when you put your hand in a blender?

You get a Hand Shake!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
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4 year old asks, β€œDaddy can I have milkshakes for breakfast?”

Mommy: No. milkshakes are not for breakfast.

Me: I’ll give you milkshakes for breakfast!

Mommy: why would you offer him that?

4 y/o bounds into the kitchen, excited for milkshakes.

Me: here’s a cup of milk. And here’s some shakes! (Gently shakes 4 y/o)

Groans all around.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alphamale968
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2018
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I'll stick to my ribs

A woman walked into the kitchen one day and saw, much to her horror, her husband sitting at the table with blood all over most of his face, his chest, hands, arm, and on the table. She watched for a moment, shocked, as he began pouring barbeque sauce on his arm where most of the blood was coming from.

"Stop that! What are you doing!? What happened to your arm?!" She finally managed to scream as she unjammed all the words trying to flow out at once.

Her husband looked at her with a disgusted frown and a shake of his head and replied "I've made a terrible me-steak"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dazmo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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A man is sitting in the hospital with his newborn baby when his own father walks in.

Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"

Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"

Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and I've been patiently waiting for this special moment. There's something now that I have to give you."

The son watches curiously as his father pulls a large tome out of his backpack with exquisite text on the cover: 'The Big Book of Dad Jokes'.

Father: " For generations these sacred texts have been passed down through the patriarchs of our family. My father gave it to me when you were born and now, as a new father yourself, I bestow it to you. With this book you will have all the knowledge needed to become a truly great Dad."

Son: " Wow, Dad, this is amazing! Truly! I'm... I'm honored."

The father smiles as he extends his arm out to shake his son's hand and says,

"Nice to meet you, Honored. I'm Dad."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChewyNutCluster
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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An ancient Greek walks into a tailor with torn pants...

He puts them on the counter of the store and the tailor looks at them.

"Euripedes?" he asks.

"Yes," says the man. "Eumenides?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2017
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What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do by raising one leg?

Shake hands.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tekprojekt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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My dad just got a tattoo of a Thermos on his palm...

Now whenever someone tries to shake his hand he says "Don't you dare touch my thermos tat!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/koleslaw
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
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514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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I have a friend who likes to make his own custom custards....

And he comes up to me one day and says "Hey Undope! I have this new custard I've been working on, and I think it's my best one yet! Would you like to try it?" And with me being a custard connoisseur, I happily agree, so he takes his sample he has on hand and gives it to me.

I take a bite and take my time, slowly judging the textures and flavors I would expect from a well crafted custard. He becomes mortified as a noticeable wince appears on my face and I struggle a little bit to put down the bite I took.

"Oh my gosh!" he cries. "Do you think it's bad!?"

I shake my head no in response, attempting not to hurt my friend's feelings.

"It's not terrible," I reply. "It's just kinda off-putting."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Undope
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
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My ten year old fist bumps me and does the 'exploding hand' afterwards ...

After he explodes his hand I look down at my still clenched fist. I slowly raise it near my ear confused and shake it. I then explode it in my face almost knocking me off me feet. I look at him sternly and say, "You could have killed me."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twisted_Logic
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2014
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Real story: I'm prepped for a wedding and walking with my dad about to meet up with my girlfriend. I know his tendencies so I tell him "dad, please, no jokes." And he replies, "with what you're wearing, I won't need to." I roll my eyes and say, "oh, wow, sick burn dad."

I look over, and he's reaching into his pocket and pulls out a little vial, and shakes it out all over me. He hands me this vial and he's made a shitty label around it, and he wrote on this fricken label, "Directions: Add in salt to injury".

He's a legend among my friends dads.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2017
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What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?

They shake hands.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/broodjebushalte
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
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How do people with Parkinsons introduce themselves?

They shake hands.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kelson93
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
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Whenever I go to the supermarket with my dad...

He will do three things. Guaranteed.

  1. Pick up a bottle of milk and shake it, asking if we want milkshake.

  2. Go up to a young teenager stacking shelves and ask for whatever they're currently restocking on the shelves and watch as they scratch their heads and look around only to hold out the item with a dumb look on their face (which surprisingly happens almost every time)

  3. Will get a bottle of water from the shelf and hold it high with one hand and drop it, catch it with his other hand then say "did you see that?! It was a beautiful waterfall!!!"

Obviously a hearty dad-chuckle follows each of these actions.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LaureoTheOreo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2013
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The award for the best dadjokes 2018 goes to...

… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes

[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]

Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:

January:

  1. Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes

  2. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes

  3. An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes

February:

  1. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes

  2. My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes

  3. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes

March:

  1. I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes

  2. Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.

  3. [When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skormes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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My grandfather's still got it.

Went to go shake his hand as I had just gotten in town and haven't seen him in a while

Him: Are you scared of me?

Me: what? Of course not!

Him: then why are ya shaking?

He ages every year but that joke is still as young.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ninjaplz783
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2014
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Got on a plane behind a dad, mom, and 18 year old daughter....

Daughter says "where are we sitting?"

Dad says "down"

Girl is mortified, so embarrassed, beat red, and I'm falling down laughing as a hungover mid 20's man. I shake his hand. We laugh for a good half hour about it. Daughter proceeds to be humiliated

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PennerFan2222
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2017
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My dad got me good when coming to see his first granchild

Last week I left the delivery room to go meet my dad so that he could meet his first grandchild for the first time.

Emotions were high and smiles all around... and he was carrying a Costco tub of mixed nuts he had been snacking on.

All visitors must wash their hands before entering the room and as I was opening the door he got me with "Can you handle my nuts?"

I could hear his proud giggling as I walked away shaking my head... he has bestowed on me a great responsibility.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bones2484
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2016
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Dad joked my girlfriend

My girlfriend and I were in the car today and were discussing peanut butter in shakes. I said that I didn't like the concept, and she replied that she's a big fan. So I grabbed her hand and began fanning myself with it. I was met with the classic sigh and eye roll combo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Buffalo_Gator
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2014
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When your dad misses no opportunity for a joke

So, my dad could be considered a regular jokester. He had his dad jokes, his dirty jokes, clean but provocative joke, setup jokes, everything. He never missed a chance to turn something into a joke for hinself, even, and perpahs especially, if it only amused himself. I found out at an young age that no situation is too serious for him.

I was around 9 years old and I was in the cub scouts, and it was box car derby season. I was in the dining room, carving away at my block of wood when the blade in my right hand skipped the wood and carved my left thumb. It fucking hurt and bled like a sonofabitch. I immediately starting screaming and my dad raced into the room and found me covered in blood, my left hand now with two thumbs. We get it wrapped and he drives me to the emergency room. By the time we got there the bleeding had stopped and I have stopped crying. As we pull up, my dad looks st me, shakes his head and says "We can't go in there like this, we'll end up waiting forever to see a doctor. You need to cry once we're in there and that'll help" I said ok, and he said as we were walking up, "I'll give you a signal to start crying." How will i know, i asked him snd he just said i'll know. We go inside and walk up to the admittance desk. I'm short, so at the time my head just cleared the desk. My dad tells the nurse that we have a cut, and need to see a doctor right away. The nurse pushes paperwork at him and he tells her again, this time that its a real bad cut. The nurse finally looks at me for the first time and she frowns, because im relatively normal looking, even though im hurting and nervous, waiting for my dads signal. My dad pulls me back a bit and her eyes widen really big when she sees all the dried blood caked on the lower left side of my body. She starts getting excited and says "Ohmygoshohmygosh" over and over and this point im starting to get scared when my Dad, in a serious voice says "Its even worse than it looks! You're going to have to take the whole hand!"

Then I start crying.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBossOfWhat
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2017
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Dad joked the chancellor of my university.

I'm on the rowing team at my university and the chancellor (a clergyman, no less) came down to the boathouse to check out a new boat named after him.

As we were all introducing ourselves and shaking hands, the chancellor said that he liked my hair. I said "Thanks! I grew it myself."

You could hear the groans for miles.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stonecoldbastard
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2014
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Even during this, my dad still tries to pull off a joke

So, let's start off with a fact about myself: I'm vegetarian. I've been one my whole life. Now, let's get to the story.

Basically, I was driving down to camp at a Battleship with my dad (for a Boy Scouts trip), and this was during my first 6 months of learning to drive. This was the most intense trip for me (so far), and I was already nervous about driving on the interstate, so I was doing my best to practice proper driver etiquette.

Now, here's where the story gets interesting. I'm cruising down the interstate, going approximately 70 mph in the middle lane, when all of a sudden, I see a deer emerge onto the road from the right. It's running to the left (aka, trying to cross this interstate). The car to the right of me slams on the brakes, so the deer kept running. I slammed on my breaks as hard as I could, BARELY missing the deer. The car to the left of me was unlucky. The deer smashes its head into the left car's headlight and it flips over to the right (over my car). Clearly, it's dead, and as it flipped over my car, a lot of its blood gets onto my windshield.

I'm horrified. I kept driving forward. Trying to make sure I didn't veer off or anything. I look to my dad, and my hands are slightly shaking while I'm continuing this trip. My dad looks over to me, smiles, and says, "Don't worry, my 'deer'. Keep driving."

I looked back at him with the most disgusted face, and he just started giggling. Good god, this was NOT the time for a dad joke, but nevertheless, my dad didn't fail to deliver.

I thought I'd hate him forever after this and people would agree with me, but now this joke gets one of the largest laughs from people at parties. <_<

tl;dr My dad's sense of humor appalls me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chunkymonkeyman
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2013
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My dad at an ice cream place

My family went to an ice cream place last night particularly known for their milkshakes. It was our turn to order.

Mom: I will have a chocolate shake please.

My sister: I'll have a chocolate shake, too.

Me: I'll have a vanilla shake.

My dad: And I will have a handshake. Sticks out hand towards employee

I love my dad.

πŸ‘︎ 140
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theverybest264
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2013
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My dad says this everytime he sees someone he knows while at a restaurant.

And by everytime, I mean EVERYTIME!

When someone walks past the table, or starts a conversation, or anything really.. My Dad always says "Here this is for you hands the bill to the person" He then laughs like it's the first time he's ever said it while myself and my family just sit there shaking our heads.

He does a few different versions of the joke. It all depends on situation.. For example, if we don't have our bill yet he will say "This is on you, right? hahahaha"

He's even done it to our waiters and waitresses. It's embarrassing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tenletterz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2013
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Wet hands indeed.

Meeting my buddy's dad for the first time. We're shaking hands; his wife (friend's mom) and dog are there. I begin petting the dog.

"Watch out, she'll like your hands." [few seconds go by] "...the dog, not my wife."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drsalby
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2013
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A man proposes to his girlfriend.

A friend posted this on facebook:

True story;

When my dad was at the top of Ben Nevis, there was a guy there with his girlfriend. He got down on one knee and proposed to her right in front of everyone, (the young lad, not my dad!)

After she'd said yes and people were shaking his hand and congratulating them. My dad went up to them and said; "Well, you know what they say now, don't ye's?"

"What's that?"

"It's all downhill fae here." And walked off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/scottwalker88
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2014
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What happens when you put your hand in a blender?

You get a hand shake

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2021
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A man walked to the doctors office

The man says:" doctor, my hands don't stop shaking."

The doctor asked:"have you been drinking?"

Then the man replied:"no, I can't, because I spill all of it. "

A joke my dad told me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/urihagever
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2020
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Why don't octopuses like meeting new people?

It takes too long to shake hands!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LynxSys
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2017
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Trying to dad joke my 3 year old.

Yesterday he kept telling me "I'm thirsty". But with him only being 3 it sounded like he was saying "I'm Thursday". So I would shake his hand and say back to him "Hi, I'm Friday, nice to meet you". He didn't get it, the joke or the drink.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drtybubba
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2015
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Introducing my dad to a friend...

I introduced my dad to a friend yesterday. I told him that they shared the same name.

My dad shakes my friends hand and says "Hi dad! I'm also dad."

πŸ‘︎ 89
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2014
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