My son asked me how to make grits...

I told him it takes hard work, determination, and grit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wgoins
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
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Finely chopped meat mixed with gelatine, blood, grits, or bread, then stuffed into animal intestines or skin, sounds pretty bad wherever you are.

But in Germany, it's the wurst.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NeverBob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
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How did Reese eat her grits?

Witherspoon

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dont_main_Jager
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
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Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.

You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theGamingDad123
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
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My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."

I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HeartOfDavid
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2016
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Date at applebees

Waiter: What'll it be guys?

Her: I'll have the apple

Me: gritted teeth I guess I'll have the bees then..

Waiter: Okay sir, how would you like them?

me: clenches fist

Chef: HE PICKED THE BEES!! angrily shakes jar of bees

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlkalineTea2751
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
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My son finally has his licence!

It took a while but don’t give up. All those driving lessons in all kinds of weather, late at night, early morning. Gritted teeth and white knuckles at near misses, all payed off.

So to celebrate we bought a new car.

It's nice after all that work to finally have something to chauffeur it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/midget_clown
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
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Why did the employee quit his job at the sandpaper factory?

It was rough.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/impulsive-ideas
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2016
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Stolen from a friends Facebook post

OK... so did you ever notice how every time you spend 4 days alone in the woods and you make it out without a scratch or even a mosquito bite, and you're feeling all peaceful and relaxed and at one with the universe, you're not home 20 minutes and unloading the back of your truck when you slam your right shin into the trailer hitch... and amid the flashing white stars around you, your fists clench, your teeth grit, your body tenses and every "mean, nasty and ugly" word you ever read, heard, uttered or even imagined ("Wait... is #*&%#@!!! even a word??? Oh what the heck? It works!") goes tearing through your brain.... and eventually it passes and you keep working, surprised you're not even limping and it doesn't hurt more than it does... and almost an hour later, when you're finished and getting undressed to take your first hot shower in days, you see a lump on your shin the size of Rhode Island... and the first image that pops into your head is John Merrick yelling "I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!!!... in fact, it literally looks like a second knee on your right leg... so you spend the rest of the evening keeping it elevated and icing it on and off, alternating between a blue gel pack and a bag of frozen peas.... and when you go to bed, you keep the gel pack on while you read and then take it off before you go to sleep... and then you wake up around 3AM and decide to check your shin and the swelling has gone down quite a bit... but since you still have several hours before you get up, you decide to ice it again... but the gel pack on the floor is no longer cold so you get up, walk to the kitchen and open the fridge... and after taking a bite of leftover pizza from last night (because... well, you're here and what the heck?), you go into the freezer, grab the bag of frozen peas and take them back to bed with you... but they're all frozen into one big solid ball and well, that won't do... so you lay the bag on the bed to pound it once or twice to break them up, but instead the bag bursts open and suddenly there are frozen peas sprayed all over the bed and rolling onto the floor... and all those words from yesterday come rushing back into your head as you kneel to gather them all up... but suddenly your anger completely vanishes and you can't help laughing to yourself as you think, "gee, I can't remember the last time I pea'd the bed in the middle of the night"???

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Markwittz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2017
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There's a deferens!

My dad likes to toss things in the house. Ask him for a soda? Catch! Need mayo on your sandwich? Heads up! You get the idea.

Last night the family was in a rush to get dinner on the table, so needless to say food was flying. My younger brother was at the table catching things and putting them on the table while my dad stood at the fridge throwin' shit. I guess my dad threw the barbecue sauce to early because my brother wasn't ready and it made impact right in the family jewels.

Brother (on the floor): Dad, you got me right in the balls!

Dad: Oh I did?

Bro is now doing that thing where you're in pain and you're talking while gritting your teeth/ holding your breath.

Brother: Yes! The barbecue sauce. Right on the dick.

Dad: Well which was it, did I hit your balls or your dick?

Brother: Same difference!!

Dad: No no no, there's a vas deferens between the two.

Me: God damnit dad, that's perfect. I'm using that.

So here I am, using it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wardenofthethread
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2014
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At Cracker-Barrel The other day

brother: This meal looks delicious. I have no regrets.

Dad as he hands him a bowl of grits: Here, now you have no regrits

followed by his uncontrollable laughter

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mslvr40
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2014
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Got my freshmen in class the other day

We had just finished reading True Grit, where (spoiler alert!!!) the protagonist loses her arm. She fell down a hole, broke it, and got bitten by a rattlesnake, so it couldn't be saved and had to be amputated.

I said that the doctor deserved a hand for being able to save her life despite the injuries, and one of my students asked if I plan these jokes ahead of time. "Nope," I replied, "they're off the cuff!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mordicat1989
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2015
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