Don’t be greedy

Guy says to his pal, β€œcan I offer you a piece of fruit?”

Buddy says, β€œsure how about a pear?”

Guy says, β€œSorry man, I only have one.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/asiers
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
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NFL players are greedy.

They’re always trying to get the quarterback.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DestroyatronMk8
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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Grocery humour

After she rang through all my items, the cashier at the grocery store asked β€œis that everything.” I replied β€œno, but I can’t afford everything.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/saskatoonbaldguy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
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What do you call a greedy lobster?

Shellfish

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mycorona69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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Why was the greedy baker unhappy and tired?

He always kneaded more

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πŸ‘€︎ u/maccer20
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
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I dislike greedy Brits....

....If you give them 2.54 centimeters, they'll take 1.60934 kilometers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jedi1josh
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
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The greedy shrimp was a little shellfish.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Awffle_House
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2019
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What do you call a greedy ocean dweller?

A selfish.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/obamazombiez
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
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When I was a kid, my Dad asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I was greedy and came up with the β€œbrilliant” idea to ask for 10 thousand bucks instead of a toy so that I could buy heaps of toys.

To my surprise he shrugged and said sure.

On Christmas Day, I excitedly tore open my gift box. To my anger and disappointment, it only contained 10 plastic toy pigs and deers.

β€œDaaaaaddd!!!!” I wailed in tears.

Dad gave me the biggest shit-eating grin and said β€œWell, I got you ten sows and bucks just like you asked.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MarkHonnor
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
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Before air was free at the gas station, and now you have to pay for it? You know why?

Inflation

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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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What do you call a greedy Italian?

A penne pincher

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bill_Franklyn
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2018
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Did you guys hear about the greedy clock ?

It went back 4 seconds.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PlzBeMyFriendNow
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2017
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What does a greedy chicken with a headache say?

My-grain

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πŸ“…︎ May 01 2018
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Why didn't the greedy king ever get a haircut?

He didn't want any heirs on his throne.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/balltyler
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2016
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I invented a new myth to delight my kids

There once was a greedy ore mining magnate who wished that everything he touched would turn into iron. He was careful to always wear gloves except when making huge loads of ore, except for one day when a mosquito landed on his knee. Not thinking, the magnate slapped his leg with his exposed hand. His knee immediately became metallic and the sudden change to his blood pressure caused almost instantaneous death.

Later in the morgue the Coroner noted that it was a classic example of situational iron knee.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnFancyPants
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
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Why hasn't Abraham Lincoln ever been charged with a crime?

He's in a cent.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OneCoolGuy234
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2017
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This hotel’s name
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keepitstrizz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2018
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The man who saved Reddit

In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.

Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is ground down and hidden away, and the resistance is loosing its will.

A small group of contributors to reddit, huddled together in a bunker beneath barely-waving flags of Snoo, worked tirelessly to repost new ideas from around the internet, to release ideas from their chains, and make speech free ... again!

But it was not to be - a gang of the governments anti-piracy enforcers descended on this, the last bastion of humankind's will to share-freely. Arriving in an armored bus, ten shock-troopers breached the bunker and it looked like the day was lost.

Fortunately for us all, one brave redditor led the collective out a back entrance and they circled to the driveway. This leader told the other redditors to wait in the bushes while he overpowered the one soldier left guarding the transport. There was a flash of movement, a crack from a fallen branch as it struck the guard, and then, stolen keys in hand, the hero revved the engine and told the redditors to pile in.

He had to will himself ignore the gas gauge as he floored the accelerator on the 25,000 pound ticket to freedom - there was only survival or defeat, and nothing in between. Sirens came alive behind him as he rushed for the border to the promised land, to the Free-North.

As the engine begins to cough, the titanic weight of the transport cleaves the barricades asunder and the pursuing vehichles have to hard-brake to avoid skidding beyond their corrupt jurisdiction. Both exhausted and elated, the redditors follow their hero to the freedom promised by their new surroundings ... but their peril is not yet passed.

Though most of the pirate-hunters glower from the south-side of the border, one special agent has crossed over and is speaking with the border guards. The tension is thick. A long-faced guard turns to the newcomers, clearly troubled by what he must do.

"Folks," he says, a pained look on his kindly face, "I'm sorry, to do this, don't cha' know, but I got no choice, eh!"

Confused, the redditors look to one another, and tremble as they notice the agent's smug expression, greedy eyes fixed on the leader of the exodus.

"Look here, now, you are all welcome here, of course, and since speech is free here, we are

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2018
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Story time!

A baker and his wife had a child. A lovely, healthy boy. Since the wife was mad about history, she wanted to give the boy a name suitable for a man destined for great things. Jokes were made, names proposed, but in the end the decision was made - they named the boy Attila.

Attila showed great potential from an early age - he excelled at sports, grew strong, but his other capabilities were astonishing as well. He learned and went through encyclopedias like a fire through forests. Surely enough, he was bound to become a great man some day.

Apart from being an exceptional young man, he loved animals as well. He was kind and compassionate, equally cherishing all forms of life. Since his parents loved him so much, they bought him all he ever wanted - but he did not ask for much, he was never greedy.

Growing up, he has received many animals as pets - there were cats, dogs, hamsters and even exotic animals - tarantulas, snakes, scorpions, you name it.

Their home became a sort of an animal sanctuary, and Attila took care of all animals with love and passion. But, the family business was starting to suffer when his father the baker got ill.

Being the amazing young man he was, Attila stepped up and started learning secrets of the trade - he started baking like no one else.

But, since he devoted his time to the bakery, the animals were starting to be neglected. He tried feeding them, petting them, but nothing helped.

Slowly, one by one the animals passed away leaving behind only the most resistant ones - the snake and a few spiders.

The spiders were easy to take care of, but the snake wouldn't eat, no matter what. Saddened, Attila came to his mother and asked for advice as he was all out of ideas. Of course, being the caring mother she always was, she passed on her knowledge to Attila:

"This anaconda don't want none, unless you got buns, Hun."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeviantClam
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2016
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I went to a restaurant with someone from Liverpool.

He said, "I want coriander soup."

I said, "You greedy guy. Either have the curry or the soup, not both."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2018
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I thought me and a friend had some chemistry

Me: What does a greedy pirate say when he's hurt? Au!!

Her: I hate my life.

Me: Come on. That joke was gold!

Her: ...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Uldyr
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2017
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FWD: Fwd: FWD FWD: Fwd: Emails from Dad

MAN LAWS

The International Rules of Manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

(c) After wrecking your boss' car.

(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CampConcentration
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2014
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What do you call a greedy crab?

Shellfish.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/perrin7433
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
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What do you call a greedy clam?

Shellfish

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πŸ‘€︎ u/omnipeasant
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2018
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What do you call a greedy fish?

Selfish

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JediRush78
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2018
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What do you call a greedy businessfish?

Selfish

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2013
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