My dad's goto joke

Two tomatoes were walking down the street. They decided to cross the road. On the way over, one of the tomatoes got squished by a car. The other yelled: "Come on, ketchup!".

.... The worst part is that he would tell me the joke in Danish (Our native tongue), so it took me YEARS to understand what the hell that joke was even about. He continues telling it to this day. Always with the bad pronounciation of ketchup.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dalsgaard
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2013
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My father's goto joke-I've heard it a million times.

An old-slow snail decides one day that he has had enough of the townsfolk belittling him for his pace. He spends about three-days making his way over to the Car-Dealership so that he can buy himself a sports car.

While at the dealership he asks the salesman if they will customize his Corvette for him. The Salesman replies, "Sure! What can we do for you!?"

The snail replies, "I would like you to paint a big, red "S" on the side of my car?"

The salesman says, confused, "Of course we can."

The customization is done and the Salesman turns to the Snail and says, "We're all finished, but I have to ask---While looking through your information I couldn't find any reason why you would want an 'S' on your car---Your first or last name doesn't start with 'S', So--Why the heck did you want that 'S' on your car?!"

The Snail turns to him and replies gently- " For years I have been tormented by the people of my town, and now I'll get to fly by them in my fancy sports-car, and they'll all say: 'Wow! Look at that 'S' Car go!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zjaws88
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2013
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If zombies attack...

Goto Sam's Club. There's cement walls, years worth of food and tons of supplies. Plus zombies can't get in without a membership.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/viperfour
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2019
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Why do Programmers make good politicians?

Their goto is to switch statements.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/9ine0ne0ne
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
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Where is a good place to cut your own Christmas tree?

About three inches off the ground.

My daughter told me this joke and if it gave you a chuckle, please consider donating to her fundraiser for the American Heart Association! http://www2.heart.org/goto/heartwarming

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AppleBaggins
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2018
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While at a beach house for Thanksgiving my dad pulled this one off.

My dad's chair kept lowering on its own, and he said to my Aunt "Now I know what it's like to be you" Then we started listing advantages of being short. He said you could goto movies for a child ticket. she replies "I used to"
He said "I used to be able to too"
"Really?"
"Yeah, back when I was a kid"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PigasusGaming
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2016
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Collection of dadness

I am not a dad at the moment, but I've learned the art of pretty clever puns in college. Some are mine, some are spins on inspirations, others are more on the joke side of dad.

What does a radioactive cat have?
18 half-lives

Ventriloquists are like psychiatrists, they both talk through things.

What is my vision?
To make the world 10% better?
No, it's about 20/20...

The invention of the shovel was truly a groundbreaking discovery.

Dad: I invested in some uranium, but I lost money.
Friend: What happened?
Dad: The Profit decayed.

We have received a report of a hole being discovered in the ground, our investigative team is looking into it.

There was an explosion at a local film manufacturing company, the story is still developing as we speak.

A local theater put together an act about jokes.
It was a play on words

SΓΈ, I hΓͺΓ‘rd yΓΆΕ« lΓ¬kΓ« fΓΆrΓ©igΓ± aΓ§Δ‡Δ“Ε„tΕ‘

As an airline mechanic would say, the job has lots of ups and downs.

My New Years resolution will probably be 25 megapixels, or 4K, not sure yet...

There was a river in Egypt no one believed existed, it was known locally as De-Nile.

Dad-Epitaph:
I thought I'd never live to see this day come.

There are two things that are guaranteed to open doors in life.
Push and Pull!

(How to keep an idiot in suspense)
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

A man builds robotic snakes for a living, I guess you could say he was a... python programmer!

A researcher's obsession with mixing stone, sand, lime, and water has yielded concrete results.

A madman once attacked a rider on his horse.
The rider had to goto hospital, the horse remains in stable condition.

A man bought a paper shop, it blew away in the wind last night.

Science is all about learning the rules, setting off an absurd amount of explosives, and then writing down what happened.

It has recently been discovered that scientific research causes cancer in rats.

Dad: Did you pick up your room?
Kid: No, I tried but it's too heavy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/techtornado
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2018
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Talking about collage...

D: Why are Psychologists quiet when they goto the bathroom?

Me: Why?....

D: Because the P is silent

Many many many groans

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πŸ‘€︎ u/0bviouslyR3al
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2015
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