Thanks to whoever left some goodies hanging all through my morning walk today..
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πŸ‘€︎ u/herecomesthesonny
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
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Oldie but a goody. What comes after Sunday?

Moonday.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RunescapeCoin
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
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My SO tried the candy "Nut Goodies"

With a thoroughly disgusted and completely straight face he proclaimed: "They were NOT goodie." I groaned but have been giggling about it every few hours since.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2016
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Oldie BUTT a goodie
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DontFear_Respect
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
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Oldie but a goodie, IMO

A ginger named Rudy was looking out the window, and then said to his wife, "Looks like rain!"
"How can you be so sure?" his wife replied.
His response, "Rudolph the red knows rain, dear"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToxianLeader
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
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Oldie but a goodie!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elarandra
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
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An oldie but a goodie
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
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My dad got my mom with an oldie but a goodie tonight.

Mom: What are you guys up to?

Dad: I’m up to about 5’9”

He’s a legend

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tonhtubra
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2017
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An oldie, but a goodie.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Niffer13
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2017
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Why does a golfer always wear two pairs of pants?

In case he gets a hole in one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cosh1990
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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β€œHey dad I’m hungry” (an oldie but a goodie)

β€œHi hungry I’m dad”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the-unwanted
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2017
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Oldie but goodie

The scene: Day after Thanksgiving, been browsing black friday deals on my phone all day.

Me: Hey, that's cool, they've got Updoc on sale for 15 bucks.

Her: Updoc? What's Updoc?

Me: Not much, what's up with you?

Can't believe I actually pulled it off, she wouldn't speak to me for a good half-hour after that.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drdewrell
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2015
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Oldie but goodie

Why can't ghosts have babies? Because they have Hallow weenies

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πŸ‘€︎ u/michaelkane911
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2016
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Pulled off an oldie but a goodie!

Managed to keep my wits about me at the urgent care after nearly taking my finger off with an axe this afternoon...

"Doctor, I know this is bad, but am I going to be able to play the piano after you fix me up?"

"Oh yes, it doesn't look like you've damaged the muscle too badly"

"Well that's just excellent; I was never able to play it before!"

I think I'm lucky he finished my stitches...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Purgid
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2016
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An oldie but a goodie.

So I was eating dinner with my mother and step dad last night and I accidentally dropped a spoonful of green peas on the floor.

Mother: Aw Alex! Me: Shit, I just peed all over the floor!

::Mom and step dad look at me in disgust along with the chirping of crickets.::

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ajones321
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2014
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Looking for some tools (variation on the "stud finder" oldie but goodie)

Wife asked me to hang up some new wall decorations she picked up. One was a little heavy so I wanted to nail into a couple studs instead of just using drywall anchors. She saw me rooting around in the garage and asked what I was looking for.

"My stud finder. Wish I could turn it on remotely so it would just find me instead!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/captainwoj
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2014
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I saw a sign today that made me piss myself

It said β€˜Toilets closed’

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AsianUrination
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
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Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

For hispanic attacks

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πŸ‘€︎ u/krisi74
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
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Once you become a pirate,

You can never be a Goody Two-Shoes again.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JASearcy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
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I told my dad I want to see Spider-Man: Far From Home

He said, "But son, it's the same film if you watch it here."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2019
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Did you hear about the magic tractor? It went down the road and turned into a field!

An oldie but a goodie.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WellysBoot
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer

I don’t know what he laced them with but I was trippin’ all day

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alexanderlch
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
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Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/westin02
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2019
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Graveyards are so hot right now!

People are just dying to get in.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mywookieisrabid
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2018
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Two men walk into a bar.

The third one laughs and Ducks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RazorSlazor
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2018
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I asked my son not to play the drums ever again.

I said, β€œIf you do, there will be repercussions.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2018
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Why did the tomato turn red?

It saw the salad dressing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bodie1550
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2017
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If you know a better fish pun

Let minnow

Oldie but goodie!! Sorry if it has been here before

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πŸ‘€︎ u/burtman72
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2019
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My wife says I'm a joke.

An oldie, but a goodie.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryanooooo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
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The story of my friend Sam

HI I’m Tim the turtle, yes a real turtle. And I would like to tell you the story of my best friend. I once had a friend by the name of Sam. Sam of course was a clam. A real live honest to goodness clam. He was my best buddy, but unfortunately he smoked and drank and ran around with loose women (and a few men). I was more of the goodie two shoes type. I never drank, never smoked, I didn’t even swear. But for some reason Sam and I were the best of friends. I guess you can say we were the epitome of opposites attracting. One day as we were hanging out walking along the beach Sam, after his fifth cigarette in a row, had a heart attack and died. I was heart broken. My best friend died right there in front of me and he never repented his evil ways. I was sure he would spend eternity in damnation. Sigh. Being the goodie two shoes type I was still extremely healthy well into my old age. I missed my friend terribly for many years. On his birthday I would host a party and invite his old stripper girlfriends and poker buddies around to relive stories. It was always a fun evening, but in the end left me more lonely than before. Eventually, my broken heart couldn’t stand it anymore and I too died. I was pleased to find that there was a heaven. Being an almost saint I was whisked directly past the line to the Pearly Gates to be greeted by St. Peter. A big grin erupted on his face and he came right around his desk to give me a great big hug. β€œTim”, he said, β€œYou have been such a good person back on earth that God has asked me to grant you any wish you would like before even entering heaven”. To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement. I thought for a minute, I guess God expected me to ask for more time on earth, but I knew what I really wanted to do was to visit with my old friend Sam. So I asked. Poor St. Peter didn’t know what to say. You know Sam is in Hell right? Well I knew that was a strong possibility so I wasn’t surprised. Peter excused himself for a while and went to check with the big guy himself. He was gone quite some time, but eventually he returned. Peter said my request was approved, but under a few conditions. First, I would have to carry a golden harp as a passport back into heaven. This harp could only be carried by a good soul so I couldn’t be replaced by a look alike demon. Second, I would have to return by midnight. God didn’t want me to face too much temptation. I agreed to these conditions and took the highway down to hell. (Nope n

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dendari
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2018
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My parents came down to visit me this weekend. Dad pulled a quick one.

So I'm in undergrad right now, on track to apply to dental school and whatnot. My parents came down to visit me and bring me some home cooked goodies. They got hungry so we decided to hit up a BBQ joint. In the car, my mom is scolding me for something (I forget what for) but my reply was that I don't have any patience to do it. She says "Why don't you have any patience?" when my dad chimes in and says "Well, he has to wait until he graduates from dental school before he gets any patients".

Baduhm-tss

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrwongme
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2013
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Raising him right!

An oldie but a goodie...this time from my son...on mother's day! Wife: I'm cold Son: hi cold, I'm Samson

(Dad wipes tear from eye)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rpbowlinggod
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2016
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Dads take on vegetable based rock bands

This is an older story, I think it was roughly 98 or 99. My little brother was getting into rock and was listening to Limp Biskit and Korn. He saved up some money to get a CD so my dad took him to Sam Goody. My little brother gets the newest hit record by Korn and brings it to the counter and check out. With my dad by his side, he places the record on the counter and the late nineties rocker chick, loaded up with tons of eye liner and hot topic wear working the cash register says "oh yeah! I love Korn, I know everything about them, I have all their records." Without a fucking second thought and the straightest face, my dad says "I guess that makes you a little corny."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LDdesign
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2015
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Smoking can lead to...

Having a coffin fit.

Heard it from a teacher first, an oldie but a goodie.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Borrillz
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2015
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Got Dad joked at the Xmas Concert

My son played a orchestra concert at the local University xmas program, they had a reception afterwards with cookies and coffee, ect.

In line for the goodies, the older guy ahead of me and my wife turned around looking at us through the plastic see through plate and said:

"Clearly, this is a plate"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TinSodder
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2014
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