Moonday.
With a thoroughly disgusted and completely straight face he proclaimed: "They were NOT goodie." I groaned but have been giggling about it every few hours since.
A ginger named Rudy was looking out the window, and then said to his wife, "Looks like rain!"
"How can you be so sure?" his wife replied.
His response, "Rudolph the red knows rain, dear"
Mom: What are you guys up to?
Dad: I’m up to about 5’9”
He’s a legend
“Hi hungry I’m dad”
The scene: Day after Thanksgiving, been browsing black friday deals on my phone all day.
Me: Hey, that's cool, they've got Updoc on sale for 15 bucks.
Her: Updoc? What's Updoc?
Me: Not much, what's up with you?
Can't believe I actually pulled it off, she wouldn't speak to me for a good half-hour after that.
Why can't ghosts have babies? Because they have Hallow weenies
In case he gets a hole in one.
Managed to keep my wits about me at the urgent care after nearly taking my finger off with an axe this afternoon...
"Doctor, I know this is bad, but am I going to be able to play the piano after you fix me up?"
"Oh yes, it doesn't look like you've damaged the muscle too badly"
"Well that's just excellent; I was never able to play it before!"
I think I'm lucky he finished my stitches...
So I was eating dinner with my mother and step dad last night and I accidentally dropped a spoonful of green peas on the floor.
Mother: Aw Alex! Me: Shit, I just peed all over the floor!
::Mom and step dad look at me in disgust along with the chirping of crickets.::
Wife asked me to hang up some new wall decorations she picked up. One was a little heavy so I wanted to nail into a couple studs instead of just using drywall anchors. She saw me rooting around in the garage and asked what I was looking for.
"My stud finder. Wish I could turn it on remotely so it would just find me instead!"
It said ‘Toilets closed’
This one is oldie but goodie.
When I was a child I asked my father 'why are there so many jokes about Chuck Norris but none about Clint Eastwood?' He leant forward look me straight in the eyes and said 'because Clint Eastwood is no joke'.
For hispanic attacks
He said, "But son, it's the same film if you watch it here."
You can never be a Goody Two-Shoes again.
I don’t know what he laced them with but I was trippin’ all day
An oldie but a goodie.
People are just dying to get in.
The third one laughs and Ducks.
I said, “If you do, there will be repercussions.”
It saw the salad dressing.
Let minnow
Oldie but goodie!! Sorry if it has been here before
HI I’m Tim the turtle, yes a real turtle. And I would like to tell you the story of my best friend. I once had a friend by the name of Sam. Sam of course was a clam. A real live honest to goodness clam. He was my best buddy, but unfortunately he smoked and drank and ran around with loose women (and a few men). I was more of the goodie two shoes type. I never drank, never smoked, I didn’t even swear. But for some reason Sam and I were the best of friends. I guess you can say we were the epitome of opposites attracting. One day as we were hanging out walking along the beach Sam, after his fifth cigarette in a row, had a heart attack and died. I was heart broken. My best friend died right there in front of me and he never repented his evil ways. I was sure he would spend eternity in damnation. Sigh. Being the goodie two shoes type I was still extremely healthy well into my old age. I missed my friend terribly for many years. On his birthday I would host a party and invite his old stripper girlfriends and poker buddies around to relive stories. It was always a fun evening, but in the end left me more lonely than before. Eventually, my broken heart couldn’t stand it anymore and I too died. I was pleased to find that there was a heaven. Being an almost saint I was whisked directly past the line to the Pearly Gates to be greeted by St. Peter. A big grin erupted on his face and he came right around his desk to give me a great big hug. “Tim”, he said, “You have been such a good person back on earth that God has asked me to grant you any wish you would like before even entering heaven”. To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement. I thought for a minute, I guess God expected me to ask for more time on earth, but I knew what I really wanted to do was to visit with my old friend Sam. So I asked. Poor St. Peter didn’t know what to say. You know Sam is in Hell right? Well I knew that was a strong possibility so I wasn’t surprised. Peter excused himself for a while and went to check with the big guy himself. He was gone quite some time, but eventually he returned. Peter said my request was approved, but under a few conditions. First, I would have to carry a golden harp as a passport back into heaven. This harp could only be carried by a good soul so I couldn’t be replaced by a look alike demon. Second, I would have to return by midnight. God didn’t want me to face too much temptation. I agreed to these conditions and took the highway down to hell. (Nope n
... keep reading on reddit ➡So I'm in undergrad right now, on track to apply to dental school and whatnot. My parents came down to visit me and bring me some home cooked goodies. They got hungry so we decided to hit up a BBQ joint. In the car, my mom is scolding me for something (I forget what for) but my reply was that I don't have any patience to do it. She says "Why don't you have any patience?" when my dad chimes in and says "Well, he has to wait until he graduates from dental school before he gets any patients".
Baduhm-tss
An oldie but a goodie...this time from my son...on mother's day! Wife: I'm cold Son: hi cold, I'm Samson
(Dad wipes tear from eye)
This is an older story, I think it was roughly 98 or 99. My little brother was getting into rock and was listening to Limp Biskit and Korn. He saved up some money to get a CD so my dad took him to Sam Goody. My little brother gets the newest hit record by Korn and brings it to the counter and check out. With my dad by his side, he places the record on the counter and the late nineties rocker chick, loaded up with tons of eye liner and hot topic wear working the cash register says "oh yeah! I love Korn, I know everything about them, I have all their records." Without a fucking second thought and the straightest face, my dad says "I guess that makes you a little corny."
Having a coffin fit.
Heard it from a teacher first, an oldie but a goodie.
My son played a orchestra concert at the local University xmas program, they had a reception afterwards with cookies and coffee, ect.
In line for the goodies, the older guy ahead of me and my wife turned around looking at us through the plastic see through plate and said:
"Clearly, this is a plate"
