>!but now they have no Sol!<
I said “oh no, is it terminal?”
Autotune
The policeman wrote a name and phone number on a slip of paper. As he hands me the sheet, his pen grazed my thumb. I knew it was too late.
From that point on, I was a marked man...
... I think it's caught the car owner virus"
He’d be Minnie Driver’s mini Mini Driver.
You’ll get exhausted.
So we were driving around in the parking lot and there were a surprisingly high amount of mini vans in there. My dad, without even hesitating says "What is this, a convantion?!".
If you go to one of those shops where they offer to "top off all your fluids" here's something you dads can use. Dad: calls auto shop Yea I'd like to call and complain Shop owner: Yes sir, what's the problem? Dad: Well, I put my car in your shop today and you offered to top off ALL my fluids. Well you didn't. Shop owner: I'm sorry sir, what did we miss? Dad: I still have half a tank of gas! So you didn't top off all my fluids! insert facepalm here
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
Windows 🫠🤡 !
GF: He’s really into cars.
Me: Ok
[Later]
Her Dad: Nice to meet you
Me: Let’s talk about Pixar’s finest movie.
Other than that, it’s a pretty good car.
The Blow Fish
It's a Fjord Mustang
We have....a lot in common.
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡The salesman looks up and always ready to make a deal with any unsuspecting customer, greets the creature. "What can I get for you today sir?"
The snail seems to think for a moment and asks "Do you have any fast cars?".
"Why yes sir!" says the salesman, "How about a Toyota GR Yaris? It is small and fast!"
"Does it come in red?" asks the snail.
"Of course sir," responds the man. "It is cheap too! Just 44 easy monthly payments of 1,000 dollars each!"
"I'll take it!" exclaimed the snail, "But only if you throw in an extra 2,000 dollars and get a big yellow 'S' painted on both sides of the car"
The salesman was in shock, but happy to get such a sale so quickly, agrees.
A week passes and the snail returns to get the car. The same salesman is there and welcomes him, bringing the snail to the car. The snail is in awe, and goes all around the car for a good look. After thanking the salesman for all he did, the snail gets into the car.
"Sir," says the salesman, "If you don't mind me asking, why did you want a big yellow 'S' painted on the sides of your car?"
The snail turns to the man and replies, "Whenever I pass someone on the street, they will turn to their neighbor and say 'look at that S car go!'"
Me: My wife yesterday was all on my case. "You'll never get a car made out of spaghetti to work!" she says. Man - y'all should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
Friend 1: Oof - seriously. You should see if you can get supplements for that bad-joke problem.
Me: Maybe I'll try some vitamins. I'll grab some B2, B3, B5, and B6. Gonna skip B4 - that's in the past.
Friend 1: If I stop setting these up will you just, you know, stop?
Me: I tried Omega3 before, but the benefits were Super Fish Oil.
Friend 2: How do I unsubscribe from this group text?
Me: Maybe I can order some Vitamin C from a Mexican website. That means "Vitamin Yes" in Spanish, right?
Friend 1: Dead. I'm dead here. You've killed me. And humor.
Me: Actually my doctor said I should be eating more citrus fruits. Oranges, specifically. He also said I needed to drop some pounds. He said it was the "Weight and C" approach.
Friend 2: You're looking these up.
Me: Not all of them. I mean, I did get some of them from this big dictionary I have. It's pun-abridged.
Friend 1: If I had to grade these jokes, you'd get a Vitamin D. That's a 1.0 GPA.
Me: I'm going to have to put those grades up for adoption. I don't think I'll be able to raise them.
Friend 1: D-
Me: Maybe I should look into becoming a marine biologist as a career. Since my grades are so far below "C" level.
Friend 2: JFC. Is there any way to make it stop?
Me: Nope! I'm PUN-STOPPABLE!
In all fairness, I had heard most of these before (I have loved puns since college) but this was the first time I've gotten a good long run in a single pass. Also this is nearly-verbatim. I removed a couple identifying things and re-ordered a few of the messages for clarity of response.
Around Halloween my boy got me good. We were driving and I told him about my idea to make a nativity scene thing for Halloween. A bunch of heroes fighting vampires and such in a grave yard. A Halloween diorama.
He goes: You should make some Halloween diarrhea. That would be some spooky shit!
I laughed so hard, I almost wrecked the car.
You've got the carownervirus.
Because it had gas.
- "Can't talk, busy camping," replied Tom, intent.
- "The French don't deserve our thanks," said Tom mercilessly.
- "Haven't you heard me singing in church?" Tom inquired.
- "I'll win this tennis game if I get one more point, " Tom deduced.
- "I didn't eat my T-bone tonight," said Tom mistakenly.
- "So you're asking about my mink coat," Tom inferred.
- "I'm wearing a watch around my wrist," said Tom with abandon.
- "I'm the most important salmon vendor," said Tom selfishly.
- "I was correct the first three times, and I am correct now," said Tom forthrightly.
- "Castration is reversible," Tom remembered.
- "I brought the dessert," said Tom piously.
- "I command my own private army," said Tom maliciously.
- "I'll order the same meat as last time," Tom revealed.
- "I've never swum in Egypt's longest river," said Tom in denial.
- "Et tu?" asked Tom brutally.
- "That's women for you," said Tom dismissively.
- "I'll have a bowl of Chinese soup," said Tom wantonly.
- "I eat everything," said Tom in jest.
- "I gave you your freedom, and I can take it away," said Tom deliberately.
- "Maybe if I rub this lamp something good will happen," said Tom ingeniously.
- "I'm never taking an Uber again," Tom derided.
- "That dog is a mongrel," Tom muttered.
- "It's too bad Babe isn't on our team," said Tom ruthlessly.
- "Maybe I should stop using worms to catch fish... or maybe not," Tom debated.
- "Hemingway is my favorite author," said Tom earnestly.
- "This drumming is too easy," said Tom without missing a beat.
- "This is a frozen dessert,” I screamed.
- "Now I have TWO duck feathers", Tom doubled down.
- "She would never answer her phone the first time, you always had to hang up once," Tom recalled.
- "Two plus five is seven,” Tom added.
- "I only have Diamonds, Clubs and Spades," said Tom heartlessly.
- "It's okay, the PlayStation still works," Tom consoled.
- "Capital punishment is mostly used on the lower classes," said Tom with poor execution.
- "Where are all of my old board games?" asked Tom cluelessly.
- "I might be acquitted," said Tom without conviction.
- "I've never dyed my hair red, but I'll try it," said Tom gingerly.
- "Ugh! I need to shave again," Tom bristled.
- "Whale hunting makes me so sad," Tom blubbered.
- "I'll quit smoking marijuana right now!" said Tom bluntly.
- "I like hot dogs more than hamburgers," said Tom frankly.
- "I signed it twice," Tom remarked.
- "I received a letter to take my car in for repair," Tom recalled.
- "I hate pale ale," sai
At work, I have a workstation.
edit: cheers u/cheer_up_richard
A garbage truck.
He pasta way
So a penguin decides to go for a drive, as he's heading through town smoke starts pouring out from under his bonnet. Bollocks he thinks and gets it towed to a local mechanic. The mechanics tells him he needs to spend half an hour having a nose to find the problem so the penguin heads off for a walk. Being a nice day he decides to get himself an ice cream, but of course having flippers not hands he gets the ice cream all over his face and beak. The mechanic calls to say he worked out the problem and the penguin heads back. Upon entering the garage the mechanic says " hmmm bad news mate, it looks like youve blown a seal" to which the penguin replies " no, no it's just ice cream "
It goes without saying
- A plane flew over the jungle carrying 500 bricks. One of the bricks suddenly fell. How much bricks were left on the plane?
- How do you get an elephant in the fridge in 3 steps?
You open the fridge, put the elephant inside, and close the fridge.
- How do you get a giraffe in the fridge in 4 steps?
You open the fridge, get the elephant out, put the giraffe in, and close the fridge.
- An elephant and a giraffe compete in a race. Who won?
The elephant, because the giraffe was in the fridge!
- How many elephants can get in a green car?
- 2 of them sittings in the front and the other 2 are sitting behind them.
- How do you know that there are 4 elephants in the cinema?
The green car parks outside.
- Why can't you see the elephants hiding in the trees?
Because they are really good at it.
- Why do elephants paint their balls red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
- What is the loudest noise in the forest?
Giraffes eating cherries.
- The lion is celebrating so he invited the whole jungle to his party. Who didn't show up?
The giraffe. He is still in the fridge.
- A squirrel was walking through the jungle when he crossed the crocodile river. Why the crocodiles didn't eat him?
Because they were in the lion's party.
- Before the squirrle got to the other side he died. How?
He got hit by a brick!
I'm suing the manufacturer. I still have my rights!
Because she'll let it go.
My 9yr old son said this and got a good giggle from us parents.
It's a Saab story.
He just took his car.
Other than that, it's a pretty good car
But it was exhausting
I call him Carlos now.
Everyone
A police officer stops his car, jumps out and says to me "you shouldn't have that thing here, take it to the zoo mate!"
"Good Idea officer" I replied ....
Took my crocodile for another walk today when the same cop stops and jumps out of his car again... "I thought I told you yesterday to take that bloody thing to the zoo mate!"
I did officer, and today we're going to the movies!"
..do you just get exhausted ?
