The difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man?

Iron Man stops the bad guys, Aluminum Man just foils their plans.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vasagle_gleblu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2023
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A man is selling a talking dog...

A man comes in and offers to buy the dog and asks to speak to it. Go ahead, says the shop keeper. So how did you learn to talk? Well it's just something I picked up as a service dog for the blind. After that I went to Afghanistan helping to sniff out bombs. Then I came back received a medal and became the official guard dog of the White House. Convinced? Says the shopkeeper? Absolutely says the man. How much? $100. The man takes the dog not believing his good fortune. The shop keeper's wife comes in and says, you only got $100 for him? Jokes on him says the shopkeeper. That dog's a liar, he never did any of that crap.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rbarrett96
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2023
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I lost 25% of my roof last night

Oof

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Giant_man_thing
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2023
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My balloon elephant wouldn’t fit in the back seat of my car.

So I had to pop the trunk.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2023
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A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. β€œI’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. β€œSorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. β€œYou’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. β€œWe don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. β€œWhy not?” one yogurt asks. β€œWe’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, β€œWhat are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, β€œIt’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, β€œWhat’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, β€œArrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, β€œI don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbersβ€”some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bugasum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
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I’ve had it. This winter, I’m making my wife snowblow the driveway

Shovelry is dead

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TIFUstorytime
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2022
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My friend Graham lost 10% of his body weight on his diet.

Now he's only 900 milligrahams.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Masselein
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2022
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What do you call a condiment that is brilliant but also corny????

Cheez Whiz...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cahill48
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2022
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100 years ago everyone owned a horse…

And only the rich had cars.

Now everyone has cars, and only the rich have horses.

The stables have turned.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Helpfulfriend96
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2021
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Met a girl in the pub last night who said she'd show me a good time...

Got outside and she ran 100m in 9.72 seconds

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wallygonk
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2021
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A Roman soldier walked into a pub with some of his men, held up two fingers and said

"Five beers please."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sparquis
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2022
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At what point does it stop being grave robbing and start being archaeology?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Unholy_Jer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2021
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How did the Roman Empire get divided into two?

With a pair of ceasars.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitsircarm
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2022
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Understanding cop.

A man purchased a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The police cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2022
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Far away there is a purple country

In this purple country everything is purple; the skies are purple, the sun is purple, the citizens are purple. Everything is purple. And one day, some purple citizens decided that they didn't want to live under the purple king so they tried to leave the purple country. But the purple king stopped them and imprisoned them in his purple jail, and there they stayed for many purple days

However, one day, a purple messenger came to tell the purple king on his purple throne in his purple palace that the purple prisoners had escaped from the purple prison. And so, the purple king got on his purple horse along with his 100 purple knights to travel across the purple country to bring back the purple prisoners.

Meanwhile, the purple prisoners had begun running across the purple country to try and escape the purple tyranny of the purple king. They traveled across the vast purple plain, and everything was fine, but they had now reached the purple dessert. With no other choice they started the arduous journey under the blistering purple sun. Many purple prisoners died from purple heat stroke or got bitten by poisonous purple snakes, but after all is said and done, the majority of them made it across alive. But by this point, the purple king with his purple knights had reached the start of the purple dessert. They too crossed with many dying from purple heat stroke or purple snakes.

However, the purple prisoners were now crossing the purple mountains. Many died from the purple cold or got killed by purple rocks falling down the purple mountain side. But they made it across with still 50% of the starting escapees. But the purple king was crossing now, his purple knights dying from purple cold and purple rocks. They were close to the purple prisoners now. They reached the far side, but the purple prisoners had entered the purple jungle. They were so hungry many took to eating purple berries, only to find out that they contained purple poison and they died instantly. The purple creatures began attacking the purple prisoners and many died from that. And to make matters worse, the purple knights, who also had been attacked by the purple creatures and ate the purple poisonous berries, had caught up with them.

Back they went through the purple jungle, being attacked by the purple animals. Back they went over the purple mountains suffering from purple cold and being hit by purple rocks. Back they went over the purple dessert with the poisonous purple snakes and the scorchin

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Savage_Oppress
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2022
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Circumcision Puns Aren't Funny

My wife gave birth to our first son on Friday. This morning they came to get him for his circumscion and we were feeding him a bottle. The nurse said we were going to have to cut it short. I said ok, but not too short. And nobody laughed. They looked at me like an idiot. Hopefully the internet will appreciate this.

EDIT: Didn't expect this to garner so much attention, but I guess it deserves some elaboration. Yes, this actually happened and we had our son circumcised. Everything went well without any complications. I made this decision with my wife based on hygienic, traditional, and aesthetic reasons, and I am confident in my decision. I am circumcised, and I'm happy with it.

There are times in my son's life that i will need to make decisions for him, and this was one of those times. I understand that some people think I have committed a terrible crime against my son, but I disagree. There are many arguments for both sides, and I think these decisions should be made by family and doctors when the bridge comes to be crossed.

I'm not going to go through and answer all of the questions and insults individually, I have a newborn to take care off, but y'all feel free to hash it out.

Also, I still think my joke was pretty damn funny.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oemus2776
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2018
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I made a graph for my past relationships.

It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Not_donald-trump
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
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The anti-punster. X-post /r/funny
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πŸ‘€︎ u/davbrowdid
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2016
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Joke from soon-to-be-dad (very long)

Here's the background:

Before my wife and I were dating, but after we had officially met, I saw her at my regular pool hall one night. She was wearing some "worn in" jeans with all kinds of holes in the legs. At some point during the night, I approached her.

> Me: "Did you know that your jeans have holes in them?"

> Her: (confused) "Yeah..."

> Me: "Did you know that it's very distracting?"

I then walked away and proceeded to not talk to her at all the rest of the night and just let the idea simmer.

Fast forward 2.5 years >>>

We were married and expecting our first child. When we discovered she was pregnant, I thought it'd be a good idea to get our genomes checked out by 23andme to see if we were carriers of anything.

I was reading the results out to her and started with myself. I was fascinated by how perfectly I was described by the report. Almost every physical aspect was right on the money.

I then started reading her results. And it was a perfect match... for her sister. The results didn't describe my wife at all, but they did almost 100% match her (not a twin) sister. I chuckled to myself and looked at her.

> Me: Do you know what this means?

> Her: What?

> Me: Your genes have holes in them.

I consider this my crowning achievement in both dad jokes and overall pundom. I don't think I'll ever top that one.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2021
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[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Permatato
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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Last Summer With My Girlfriend

Last summer, my girlfriend and I went camping. One of the days, we were having lunch by a river (a kind of a picnic sort of thing). Now, I talk a lot when I eat, so she finished eating waaaaay before I did. Once she was finished, she took to the water to cool off while I continued munching away.

Now, I guess she must have slipped or something, because all of a sudden I heard a cry and she was just gone. Washed away. I saw her head bob above the surface probably 20 yards downstream, and moving fast towards some rapids (probably 100-150 yards away). So I'm pretty panicked at this point, but she manages to grab onto a low-hanging branch (just like in a movie or something). She's coughing and sputtering and hollering for help, trying to keep a grip on the branch.

So, I set down my avocado I'd been snacking on and walked out into the water. "hurry! I can't hold on much longer," she's yelling. I kept walking towards her, but the bottom of the river was so muddy that it was probably pretty slow. She started to get angry with me "SWIM over here! Why are you walking? Please hurry!" She yelled, with great urgency. All in all, it took me probably 8 minutes to cover the 80 yards or so to get to her. After I rescued her, she was super mad for some reason. She was all "I almost died, why were you going so slow? Who does that? What's wrong with you?"

"Well," I said. "Good things are worth wading for."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRiz89
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2014
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Discussion with an Anesthesiologist

This happened verbatim on Tuesday afternoon.

Discussing emergency surgery on my one month old son with the anesthesiologist. I said:

"I hope you have an alternate method for putting him to sleep. He isn't too good at counting back from 100 yet."

While the doctor got a good chuckle out of that my wife dropped her head into her hands and said "dadjokes. It's too soon for that crap."

It is never too soon for dadjokes!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thonlo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2014
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Out of the blue: A dad joke from my teen-age son

We're in California, and the drought is on our minds as we approach what (in a good year) is the rainy season. As I checked the weather forecast, I gave a little cheer.

"Chance of showers this week!" I told my son.

"Well, for me, it's a 100% chance," he said. "Every morning, about 5:30."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProfComm
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2014
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Proceed with caution: joking about wife's butt.

Wife: (commenting on the state of her posterior, obviously a delicate topic) "It wouldn't be attractive if I had a 100% muscular butt: it's a good thing I make a little layer of fat to smooth it out and make me look feminine."

Me: "Well, you never do anything half-assed."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vesvvi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2014
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I have a chemistry pickup-line

But I can’t tell it to you because it would make me too attractive

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PandAmazing9000
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2022
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I heard that 75% of school kids aren’t even proficient in math.

Lol, that’s nearly half!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spicy6Chord
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2022
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In another 3028 years, there’s a chance that things will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ May 10 2022
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I only had kids so I would have someone to play with

I guess, I made my own friends

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πŸ‘€︎ u/krigito
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
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Who killed Abraham Lincoln?

A clown walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask him a few questions.

Officer: What’s 2+2?

Clown: (counts on his fingers) … 4!

Officer: Good.Β  What’s the square root of 100?

Clown: (thinking fiercely) … 10!

Officer: Very good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Clown: Ummmm … I don’t know.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The clown goes home and calls up one of his friends, who asks him if he got the job. The clown says, excitedly, β€œNot only did I get the job, I’€™m already working on a murder case!”

Source: http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/who-killed-abraham-lincoln/

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
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I used to work at McDonald's.

This older guy came in with his grandson and paid with a $100. As is policy, I had to use the marker to make sure it was real and look for the line. I asked someone to get me a marker, and the grandpa says, "I promise it's good, made it last night!"

It's nice when people have a sense of humor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StrawberrieDream
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2013
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My Dad (63) was driving me back into Toronto from my parents place, and the weather started to turn nasty...

"It's good that you have all wheel drive. And you've got snow tires."

"Actually, they're made of rubber."

100%, actually happened, last Sunday night.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/datums
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2016
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Not a dad joke, but a lame one that a Dad would say.

So recently I started playing Xcom : Enemy Unknown with my friends via screenshare, and everytime I had a 100 percent chance to hit,

Every time,

I would say "Pretty good odds, if you ask me."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/partyxday
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2013
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