My wife complains that I'm getting fat. So this winter I decided to diet.
It's called inter"mitten" fasting to keep my hands of food
Keep telling jokes from this forum. My daughter's getting wise to it. She just said...
"I bet you just Reddit!" She's very pleased with herself.
As we were getting ready to go to the beach, I reluctantly said to my wife, "I hate to say this honey, but your bikini is kinda tight and revealing." She giggled and said...
"Well then, you'd better wear your own!"
In case you’re thinking about getting married, consider this carefully—-on the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don’t.
I went to a dinner party yesterday. The hosts are chefs and made all kinds of food, buffet style. I arrived early had some hors d'oeuvres. Then I realized I was thirsty, and I wanted to try the mixed juice drink. At this point everyone else was getting food, so I walked right up and got a cup...
This guy from Egypt called me to invest in a tourism company, and then to ask 3 others to invest in it, while getting returns from their investments. I declined it.
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine
I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
My missus spent 2 hours getting ready to go out last night. She finally came out of the bathroom and asked “Do I look fat in this?”
I said “Well yes, but to be fair, it is a small bathroom”.
Getting to Mordor would have been a lot easier this way
I went to a club with friends. There was a huge nordic/viking looking ass bouncer He let us through looking intimidating as fuck but whatever. Dancing and drinking. This chick grinding on me. Getting flirty and introduce herself. Her name is Sky. Drag me to the toilet hinting she wants the D.
Sucks dick like a pro. Doesn't let me cum and wants me to eat her ass.
Suddenly huge bouncer from before barges in and shoves me away with an unrelenting force. Proceed eats out Sky's ass like a boss
Yells "Sky's rim belongs to the nords"
(sorry for long post but friend sent this to me and i have no idea where it goes, could use some help)
Found this in my phone from a while ago...trying to calm my friend's nerves about getting breast implants. (X post from r/texts)
imgur.com/N7nfIlL
Getting really annoyed now, this is the 6th ATM I've been to thats had "insufficient funds"!!
I was on the toilet for so long the other day that I thought to myself, "I'm getting too old for this shit."
While getting tires with my friends Dad, she messaged me to screw with me. She never responded after this.
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
A friend posted this one earlier. Definitely getting added to the repertoire.
In case you’re thinking about getting married, consider this carefully—-on the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don’t.
In case you’re thinking about getting married, consider this carefully—-on the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don’t.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “can you give me a lift?”
I said “Sure you look great, the worlds your oyster, go for it!”
I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
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