"70707." He gets me.
Target.
Whenever they have EMS.
It was quite the roll reversal.
Namaste home and stretch
Yea right, like my son is gonna marry someone twice his age
The TSA, for example.
You know, Prime time.
...they used to be under a buck.
We were entry-level accountants at a large firm, doing a coffee run for a team of about 20. It took foreverrr for the cafe to make them all and even longer for us to figure out how to get all these coffees back upstairs. We finally get back to the team and one of the partners exclaimed “Guys! Where the hell have you been?! That took half an hour!” Being new we sort of didn’t say anything and slunk away to our desks. Then, out of nowhere about 15 seconds later, my mate sticks his head up and yells “better latte than never!”
That’s when he became my best mate.
Numbers not divisible by two.
why I oughta?
Nothing. They fast.
But it was a Risk I had to take
They had to shoe me out of there.
To give them a wide birth
But I'm stuck on one level.
The outside.
In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.
I said, “great! Which two languages does it speak?”
"Gimmie all your money, both of you! Now!" the thug says.Bill says, "Wait! Wait! Wait! Just a minute! Steve, here's that $200 I owe you!"
So I packed my stuff and right.
need some newfactory senses
No more boo's for you!
I didn't see a future in it
Cause they are always up to something.
There's nothing there to bring them down
With a pair of Caesars.
I’m not a fan.
Should I feel bad for hating so many numbers? Nah. God just wants us to love everyone.
All I got was a one nightstand
But I pulled it off.
Super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.
A little Plaque!
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡One of the basses said, “Wait, last night we came back a couple minutes late and missed our entrance. How can we make sure that doesn’t happen tonight?”
Another bass said, “Don’t worry, I tied the pages of the conductor’s music together with a piece of string between the 3rd and 4th movement. It will take him a couple minutes to get it untied, so that will buy us a couple extra minutes to get back.”
So, they go next door to the bar, and with their newfound plan, they decide to drink even more and again lose track of time.
The third movement comes to a close, and the basses start staggering onto stage as the conductor is struggling with the string in his music. And of course, at this point, the crowd is on the edge of their seats…
It’s the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded.
They have no drive
🎶”Somewhere over the rainbow, weigh a pie”🎶
Was given the axe.
Jim got a job as a test technician at a firm that manufactures refrigerated vending machines that dispense cold beverages. Every day he had to load the test machines with Coke, Diet Coke, Dr Pepper, etc. and then he’d execute his test cases. Press Coke button, machine dispenses a Coke. Press Sprite button, machine dispenses a Sprite, etc. At first he loved his job, but after a few months he decided to quit. Sure, the job was pretty easy and the pay was decent, but it was just soda pressing.
