A widow is mourning at her husband's grave site. A gentleman walks by and says "If you don't mind, I'd like to say a word."

"That would be nice" she said. "Plethora"..... "Thanks, that means a lot."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaFunkJunkie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says β€œI don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, β€œwhatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says β€œthere’s no charge.” Shocked she replies β€œno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” β€œHonestly ma’am”, the mortician says, β€œit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaladinDanza
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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Sign on an Arizona Gentleman's Club
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/steve626
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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I’m a delivery driver that delivers bread products, whilst on my round today a gentleman dropped this on me.....”looks like you have the best job” he says, β€œwhy is that?” I ask, because you must be loaded with dough!!!

True dad that man!!

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bunny_2121
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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β€œPoor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, β€œSo how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, β€œYou’re the eighth.”

πŸ‘︎ 133
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
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A gentleman is shipwrecked...

And on waking discovered himself to be on a beach. The sand is dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around for a while and sees dark red grass, dark red birds, and dark red fruit in dark red trees. He is shocked when he finds that his skin is also dark red. "Aaargh!" he cries "I've been marooned!"

My dad emailed me that one back in 2009.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Confusing_Musings
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
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Billboard of a LV gentleman’s club during epidemic
πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emperor_piglet
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
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I got friend zoned but being the gentleman that I am, I still have her a dozen roses for Valentine’s Day
πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Da3013
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
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A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee.

The man take a sip and spits it out. He turns to the waiter and says,

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!"

The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the man and says,

"But sir, it's fresh ground!"

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
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What do you call a male milk maid?

An utter gentleman.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keyrover
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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He is even walking himself out, what a gentleman.
πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iStalkforWork
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
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What to you call a gentleman with bad hygiene that loves to tell puns?

Pungent

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
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On a hot summer day, a woman has a hankering for a hot dog. She walks to the nearest hot dog stand and gets in line. Looking up to the front of the queue, she sees an elderly gentleman ordering a bratwurst...

He picks up the ketchup bottle, glances at it and gives a hearty chuckle before slathering his brat in ketchup.

Puzzled, the woman watches as the next customer, a young girl, walks up to order her hot dog.

As she takes the container of relish, she bursts into a fit of giggles and walks off with her food, still laughing merrily.

A middle-aged man steps up next. Shoveling sauerkraut onto his hot dog, he laughs uproariously and walks away grinning.

When she reaches the front of the line, the woman asks the hot dog vendor,

β€œExcuse me, sir, but why does everyone laugh when they get their hot dogs?”

β€œIt’s simple, ma’am.” he says, handing her a piping-hot sausage. β€œI’m surprised you haven’t discovered for yourself.”

Glancing at the mustard, the woman lets loose a peal of laughter.

β€œYa see, ma’am? The real_joke’s always in the condiments!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
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Today I drove to work and because of the chaotic traffic I ran my car into another man's. As he got out of the car I saw he was a gentleman of the smaller persuasion, a dwarf. He said "I'm not happy."

I asked "Which one are you then?"

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
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What do you call an old Spanish gentleman?

A SeΓ±or citizen.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRealRoybot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
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What does an older gentleman and not mixing your food enough have in common

They are both mis-stirs.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigDCanuck
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
🚨︎ report
A very elderly gentleman, mid ninety's, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good aftershave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge…

Seated at the bar is an elderly lady, mid eighties.

The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
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I was at a gentlemans club in Las vegas...

This voluptius Asian came over and I asked for a lap dance.While she was doing her thing,I asked her,"What nationality are you?"

She replied,"I'm half black and half Thai.

I then said,"Oh,I didn't realize this was a Black Tie affair.

Edit: True story.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
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A southern gentleman shows up for his vasectomy wearing a tuxedo

The doctor asks "why are you dressed like that?"

"If I'm going to be impotent, I want to look impotent."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/you_buy_this_shit
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
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Dad is an older muslim gentleman, I remember this from when he was in the hospital a few years ago.

Nurse: "Your doctor should return in just a few moments with your test results."

looks at dad

"Oh, we also have a new room for religious practices if you wanted to do some prayers?"

Dad: "God, were my test results that bad?"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sumito
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2014
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On Endor, how does a gentleman end a fight?

Ewocs away

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TannedCroissant
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
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I met a rather old gentleman sitting on the sidewalk crying. I asked what was the matter.

β€œI’m married to an incredible woman 40 years my junior who likes to make love three times a day. She is the best homemaker and conversationalist and she is independently wealthy. We have the greatest life”.

β€œThat sounds wonderful” I said β€œWhy are you crying?”

β€œI can’t remember where we live!” he wailed.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChrisCGCToo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
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An older gentleman got me in Wal-Mart

I was coming around a corner and almost bumped my cart into his

Me: Oh I'm sorry, excuse me, sir!

Him: It's okay, I have cart insurance!

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImClaytor
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2015
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On my way in to the supermarket, a gentleman peddling coffins asked if I was interested in purchasing one. β€œA coffin?” I said.

β€œThat’s the last thing I need!”

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PanaceaGold
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
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Two monsters were at a party having a good time when one of them noticed a lady monster rolled her eyes at them. The monster asked his monster friend "what should I do?"

The other other monster replied "be a gentleman, roll them back to her."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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A very old Mexican gentleman is a senior SeΓ±or.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLastJoe
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2018
🚨︎ report
I didn't make this up but I wish I knew who did.

It was a gloomy day for a funeral. The widow weeped quietly in the front row. A distinguished gentleman approached her and said "Ma'am, I'm so sorry for your loss. Would you mind if I said a word?" "Please do", she replied. He stands, straightens his tie, and says "Plethora." Then he sits down. "Thank you," she said.

"That means a lot."

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eap42
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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Psychic
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/apatheticunt_
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
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A gentleman at the shop looked at all the tires I was taking upstairs and says, β€œTires for days”

I told him, β€œnah I should be able to get them up there today”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ktulu92
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
🚨︎ report
What does Nostradamus do when he has a vision of a happy, well-adjusted gentleman living far in the future?

Foresees a jolly good fellow.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VoyagerCSL
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
🚨︎ report
So my boss helped a black gentleman with his car troubles the other day...

There is this black guy who details cars in our parking lot for the surrounding businesses. My boss was coming back from lunch and noticed this gentleman needed help starting his client's car, so my boss got his cables out and gave the man a jump. When he told the office this I said "Thank you for putting an end to the stereotype that white men can't jump." Everyone gave a collective "ugh!"

πŸ‘︎ 392
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bluebugs23
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2015
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Sad day today, the gentleman who wrote the Hokey Pokey passed away but they couldn't bury him

They put his right arm in , he put his right arm out they put his left leg in, he put his left leg out..........

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Paladium9999
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2018
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I've never been to a gentleman's club, but I once read a torn newspaper with only the first 2 Calvin & Hobbes pannels intact,

so yeah I've had a strip tease.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2017
🚨︎ report
Another name for a gentleman's barbershop...

The Build-a-Beard Workshop

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZoeInBinary
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2017
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An older gentleman at Walmart asked if I knew anything about whether parsley farmers got their wages garnished.
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LimeRikki
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
🚨︎ report
I asked the gentleman at the UPS store what his record was. He gave me a blank stare.

It seemed a reasonable question, him being a professional boxer and all.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NiacTD
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2014
🚨︎ report
The season has arrived when I desire the company of an Asian gentleman. It happens every year...

It's Thai Man Time Again.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SapperInTexas
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2016
🚨︎ report
Looking out our office window to watch torrential downpour, see a white haired, bearded gentleman who looked just like Santa getting completely soaked as he runs to catch a bus.

Female co-worker: "Awww. Poor Santa! He's getting drenched!" Me: "It's okay. Santa likes rain, dear."

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2015
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A piece of rope walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender replies, "I'm sorry, but you're a rope. I can't serve you, and I'm not even sure how I could. Please leave."

A short time later, the rope comes back into the bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender, a bit annoyed at the situation, says, "Look, I told you I can't serve you. Just go away."

A few hours later, the rope comes back in again.

The bartender is getting mad now. "Look, I told you twice that I can't serve alcohol to a rope! Now get out and STAY OUT!"

Dejectedly, the rope leaves the bar and sits at the curb until a gentleman passes by. Suddenly, the piece of rope has an idea.

"Excuse me", says the rope, "but could you do me a favor?"

"Um... me?" says the puzzled gentleman. "Uh... I guess so..."

"Great! I just need you to tie a big ol' knot right in my middle."

"Well," says the gentleman. "I just so happens I was a former Eagle Scout. Here you go," and ties a perfect knot in the rope. "Will that be all?"

The rope pauses for a second and says, "Actually, could you pull apart my ends and unravel them for a bit?"

The gentleman obliges and goes on his merry way. The piece of rope, satisfied at its new appearance, heads back into the bar.

Furious, the bartender shouts, "HEY! Aren't you that same piece of rope I kicked out three times already?!?"

"No, I'm a frayed knot."

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/usernameshortage
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Older gentleman told this joke at a Boy Scout campfire program a while ago. Thought it would fit here.

Once upon a time, when I was a wee lad, still in Boy Scouts, I went on a camping trip to Montana with my troop. It was going to be a great time, enjoying the cool weather and scenic views of the evergreen forests. However, we did have one issue: Montana is pretty notorious for having lots of bears. We weren't scared though, since our park ranger guide told us that bears can be scared off by making lots of noise, like yelling or hitting sticks on trees. Anyway, me and one of my friends, we'll call him Frank, were out exploring in the woods. We were doing what we were told to scare off the bears, but we were still a little antsy.

After a while, we got hungry, so we decided to sit down and eat our packed lunch. We found a nice log to sit on and rest our feet, and we put down our packs and started to sit. But then, Frank let out the BIGGEST scream I've ever heard! Then, he took off running, fast as a cheetah. I thought, "Uh, oh! Frank must've seen a bear!", so I took off after him. Frank was running so fast, we must have run for miles at breakneck speed. Eventually, he started to tire, and as I got closer, I saw why Frank screamed and started running. He had sat on a bear trap, and it was stuck fast to his rear end! We had a good laugh about it, but the bear trap really did leave its mark.

It's been a long time since that happened, and Frank hasn't run in while, but I like to tell this story because it explains why Frank's only half-fast now.

(If you don't get the joke, say the last sentence out loud)

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hoofpint
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2016
🚨︎ report
Sometimes you have to sacrifice being a gentleman for the juicy dad joke.

Girlfriend and I are walking to dinner one night and on she says, "I'm chilly ❄️" and I turn and say, "Nice to meet you chilly, I'm stew." The look on her face... It was great and terrifying all at the same time.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pwoods2122
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2016
🚨︎ report
I ate dinner at a retirement home today. After I sat down an older gentleman got up from his seat, slowly walked over to me, parked his walker, looked at me and said "you look new around here, if you ever need anything from me here's my card". [ xpost from r/pics]
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Respectful_Lurker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2016
🚨︎ report
A very old Mexican gentleman is a senior SeΓ±or.
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLastJoe
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2018
🚨︎ report
I've never been to a gentleman's club, but I once read a torn newspaper with only the first 2 Calvin & Hobbes pannels intact,

so yeah I've had a strip tease.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2017
🚨︎ report
Ground coffee

A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out.

He turns to the waiter and says, β€œWaiter! This coffee tastes like mud!”

The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, β€œBut, sir, it’s fresh ground!”

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report

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