My dad passed recently. He was the king of the silly sayings.
Was taking my grandson to go ice skating. We were running late and caught myself saying "We're off, like a herd of turtles!". Something my dad used to say ALL the time. Made me nostalgic...
Characters: My wife, my son (four years old), and my daughter (his twin, so obviously also four).
Son: "My classmate didn't like me laughing at her today."
Wife: "Why were you laughing at her?"
Son: "I'm a vampire! Bwa ha ha ha ha!"
Wife: "OH! Like an evil laugh?"
Son: "Yeah! Bwa ha ha ha ha!"
Daughter: "I'm a witch! Hee hee hee hee!"
Wife: "So you're both monsters?"
Son: "Yep!"
Daughter: "Hee hee hee hee!"
Wife: "Am I a monster too?"
Son: "Yeah! You're a ... " <dramatic pause> " ... mummy."
Whole family in hysterical laughter, and after it dies down he goes, "Get it!? Mummy!"
I've never been so proud. A spontaneously generated pun of that caliber at four years old, AND an unnecessary clarification/repetition of the joke? I've got high hopes for this one.
I donโt know if I am allowed to post this but I just made a dad joke generator. Hope you guys like it. If I am breaking the rule, please let me know I donโt mind withdrawing the post. Hereโs the link:
https://kiranojhanp.github.io/random-joke-generator/
Quaranteens.
Gen A
Gen A.
Edit: thank you for the award!
She's my trans sister
It's a waist product.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
They walked. Uphill. In the snow. They ate what brains they could find and they liked it.
I wish I was born in the 80's when everyone was addicted to Cocaine.
The Quaranteens
They didn't do anything, to deserve that
Itโs helicopt-air
Children of the quarn.
...worth it
I say if it ainโt baroque, donโt fix it.
There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits โ all from late twentieth-century Terra โ on a training study of Carterโs World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.
โLook at the perfection with which these streets are gradedโ, exclaimed one student. โEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?โ
โA new alleyway is being constructed, nearbyโ, said Feghoot. โLet us walk that way while I explain.โ As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carterโs World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.
โI seeโ, said the student. โItโs not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.โ
โThatโs right,โ Feghoot went on smoothly. โYou just hit the road jack and donโt come back no mo.โ
His students registered dismay and anguish.
โIsnโt that right, old-timer?,โ Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.
โAhm afraid not, suhโ, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. โOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. Itโs the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.
โSo you see,โ he finished, eyes twinkling, โMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.โ
Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. โAnd heโ, he said, turning to his students, โis clearly the gradi
... keep reading on reddit โกIt's called Ctrl-ALT-YEET.
Children of the "Quarn"
Edit: at the age of 13, we shall bestow upon them the rank of "Quaran-teen"
Iโm a huge fan of your work.
Some cool and PUnny PUns
Genitalia.
It was Heirloumi.
Their children will die on this hill
These days, people will click on anything even if it's nothing more then a catchy title
http://imgur.com/gallery/3GUE8
This was a group text from me to both of the kids. The younger was born exactly nine months from the Tuesday in question. The older one responded with a thumbs down.
A younger co-worker just walked past my office and said "I'm so tired," to which I replied "Hello Miss Tired, may I call you 'So'"?
She was immediately in absolute hysterical laughter. I don't know how long it went on. She walked away and was still laughing until she was out of ear shot.
I'm starting to suspect she's drunk.
Ang Lee was born in 1954.
Ang Lee is a boomer.
Boomer Ang Lee.
It's a family hair-loom.
Gen A
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
I found myself using one of my favorite dad jokes recently... every time we pass some fresh roadkill while driving, my dad would say โman, thatโs a dangerous place to take a napโ. Made me giggle every time. My own kids typically give me a courtesy laugh now. They donโt appreciate the dad/mom joke nearly as much as I did... and still do.
I got a new phone for Christmas today and while playing around with it I misplaced my old phone and couldn't find it anywhere. I asked my dad to call me so I could find it by sound. All of a sudden he starts yelling my name and then shoots me a shit eating grin and says, "what? You told me to call you." But before he even had a chance to laugh at his own joke my grandpa (his dad) yelled across the house, "he wanted someone to call his phone, not him!" Then proceeded to yell, "Phone!!! Phone!! Where are you!?" Then both of them busted out laughing while I sat there still with no phone :(
In 2033, we will witness the rise of "Quaranteens"
