For two days in a row, I slipped on the frozen newspaper in front of my doorstep on my way out to work.

I seem to have fallen on hard Times.

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2018
🚨︎ report
I have front row seats to a U2 concert!

I'll be close to The Edge.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IanGecko
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2017
🚨︎ report
I'm so ready to be a dad

I really want to have a daughter and name her Zelda.

I imagine, as she gets older she will spend all her time writing sick poetry and rhymes in her journal, growing her hair down to her back, not to spite me, but so she can donate it later, and expand her wit by studying improv comedy through highschool.

As she becomes famous, I hope she will invite me to one of her rap battles and put me in the front row. My heart will grow as she takes the stage, but fatherly intuition tells me something is wrong...Zelda is frozen at the microphone.

I see her up on the stage, eyes alight with fright, hair pulled tight into a bun. She and I lock eyes, a moment of silence passes and serenity slowly enters...THIS is the moment we have been waiting for all our lives.

Looking up calmly, I couldn't be more proud as I exclaim, "Rap puns, Zel. Rap puns, Zel! Let down your hair!"

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ImDyxlesic-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I didn't make this up but I wish I knew who did.

It was a gloomy day for a funeral. The widow weeped quietly in the front row. A distinguished gentleman approached her and said "Ma'am, I'm so sorry for your loss. Would you mind if I said a word?" "Please do", she replied. He stands, straightens his tie, and says "Plethora." Then he sits down. "Thank you," she said.

"That means a lot."

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eap42
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Fascinate

A class of third graders are sitting down at their desks one morning when their teacher walks in.

β€œGood morning class, today we’ll be working on our English. Can someone use the word Fascinate in a sentence for me?”

Little girl in the front row raises her hand high, squirming in her seat. β€œThe stars last night were fascinating.”

Teacher looks at her and says,”Close, I want you to use the word Fascinate.”

A boy near the middle of the room stands up and says,”I’m fascinated by the ocean and it’s creatures.”

β€œThat’s still not the answer I’m looking for.” The teacher says. β€œCan anyone give me an example of Fascinate in a sentence.”

A quiet boy in the back stands up, clears his throat and says,”My grandmother came over last night wearing her new dress. It has ten buttons in the the front but her boobies are so big she can only fasten eight of them.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LiCill666
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
🚨︎ report
The story of my friend Sam

HI I’m Tim the turtle, yes a real turtle. And I would like to tell you the story of my best friend. I once had a friend by the name of Sam. Sam of course was a clam. A real live honest to goodness clam. He was my best buddy, but unfortunately he smoked and drank and ran around with loose women (and a few men). I was more of the goodie two shoes type. I never drank, never smoked, I didn’t even swear. But for some reason Sam and I were the best of friends. I guess you can say we were the epitome of opposites attracting. One day as we were hanging out walking along the beach Sam, after his fifth cigarette in a row, had a heart attack and died. I was heart broken. My best friend died right there in front of me and he never repented his evil ways. I was sure he would spend eternity in damnation. Sigh. Being the goodie two shoes type I was still extremely healthy well into my old age. I missed my friend terribly for many years. On his birthday I would host a party and invite his old stripper girlfriends and poker buddies around to relive stories. It was always a fun evening, but in the end left me more lonely than before. Eventually, my broken heart couldn’t stand it anymore and I too died. I was pleased to find that there was a heaven. Being an almost saint I was whisked directly past the line to the Pearly Gates to be greeted by St. Peter. A big grin erupted on his face and he came right around his desk to give me a great big hug. β€œTim”, he said, β€œYou have been such a good person back on earth that God has asked me to grant you any wish you would like before even entering heaven”. To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement. I thought for a minute, I guess God expected me to ask for more time on earth, but I knew what I really wanted to do was to visit with my old friend Sam. So I asked. Poor St. Peter didn’t know what to say. You know Sam is in Hell right? Well I knew that was a strong possibility so I wasn’t surprised. Peter excused himself for a while and went to check with the big guy himself. He was gone quite some time, but eventually he returned. Peter said my request was approved, but under a few conditions. First, I would have to carry a golden harp as a passport back into heaven. This harp could only be carried by a good soul so I couldn’t be replaced by a look alike demon. Second, I would have to return by midnight. God didn’t want me to face too much temptation. I agreed to these conditions and took the highway down to hell. (Nope n

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dendari
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad jokes vs Father jokes

Dad and I went to the movies are a few years ago to see the second Lord Of The Rings movie and we found ourselves sitting a row in front of the catholic priest, Father John, who married dad and my step mother. We were in a small rural town so they started chatting about local sport and affairs and so on.

The trailers start and they kept talking quietly. Suddenly, a preview for "The Passion Of The Christ" comes on. Afterwards dad says

"Oh, that looks like one for you, Father"

Father John looks a little unsure

"Yeah, well, I've already read the book..."

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zenkraft
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad at a movie theatre

So my family goes to watch this Bollywood mystery movie. We get there a little late, and there's only space for us at the very front row. Upon sitting in our seats my dad says "I'm so glad we're sitting at the front."

Hearing this I said "What, these are the worst seats possible."

He says back to me "At least we'll know the ending before any of these suckers."

I heard people behind me groan.

πŸ‘︎ 56
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/timelord71
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2013
🚨︎ report
Not sure if this falls into the "Dad joke" category exactly, but...

In my high school sociology class we were talking about the sociology of death and aging, and I think I'd already cracked one joke during that class period (can't remember since this was over 2 years ago), but then the topic changed to cemeteries.

"Man, this is a really grave situation", I said.

The teacher chucked a small pool noodle at me. (I was sitting in the front row and had already said at least on bad joke so I probably had it coming lol)

Edit: I should clarify that the pool noodle didn't even make it 3/4 of the way to my desk

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThePUNisher96
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2017
🚨︎ report
Calc professor gets it

My calc professor of 300+ students is going over lines in 3D space. He asks the class what it is called when two lines don't intersect but aren't parallel. A guy a few rows in front of me confidently says "skew" out loud. The professor looks at him and says "bless you". The class giggled a bit and he laughed for like a minute.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/My_Fox_Hat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2015
🚨︎ report
Top post reminded me of this one...

I was at the Georgia Aquarium a few years ago, when the female beluga whale named Maris was pregnant. The bull in the tank was named Beethoven. When a man who was providing information about belugas asked if anyone had any questions, a woman in the front row asked "Is it Beethoven's fifth?"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2015
🚨︎ report
Discovered this at 30 yrs old. I have a life time of built up dad jokes. Here's one from first grade. (under de sea)

First grade, I'm in the school play because, well, every one was. I can sing, always have been pretty good at it, so they gave me the job of playing Sebastian in our Little Mermaid rendition. We're singing "Under the Sea" and I look out to the audience to see my dad, in the front row, making the biggest, puffiest fish face his head will physically allow. I haven't done much acting since then.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chubaccatron
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2013
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.