They said, "This is a robbery," and everybody relaxed a little.
I was scared sheetless.
Since when is getting a headache at the airport such a big deal?
It was a clam-ity.
I was having amid-wife crisis. Nine months later, she suddenly went into labor. I frantically tried to find someone to come to our home and deliver the baby. It was midwife crisis.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.
The father breaks his neck and dies, leaving his son to mourn for days. However, one night, the boy wakes up to see an apparition of his father before him. All at once, he breaks down crying, and screams out, "I'm sorry!"
His father responds, "Hi Sorry, I'm dead!"
Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey
It was raining cats and dogs.
Re:LAX
We're having a midwife crisis.
I only wanted one granny flat :(
Let that sink in.
In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already.. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti
He had too many hang-ups.
I think it's the novel Coranavirus?
Bartenders says, “That’ll be $20.20”
They told him it wasn't a big dill, though.
“Control fr...”
“Now you say, “Control freak who.””
Doctor says I have carpool tunnel syndrome.
At this rate, he will never be there on time.
He doesn't see the bartender behind the bar so figures he must be back in the stockroom. As the man walks across the floor he hears a quiet voice say....."nice pants!"
He looks around but sees no one, there are no other people in the bar. He shrugs it off and keeps moving towards the bar.
Then he hears....."your hair looks great!"
Again, he looks around but doesn't see anyone. A little freaked out, he takes a seat at the bar and hears....."I like your tie!"
At that moment, the bartender emerges from the back room and asks "howdy sir, what can I get you?"
The man replies "well, I'll have a whiskey, but I have to tell you the strangest thing has happened to me since I walked in. I keep hearing some voice that keeps saying nice things about me. I must really need that drink I guess."
The bartender smiles and says "ahh, don't worry about it, that happens sometimes, it's probably just the peanuts".
"The peanuts?" asked the man, even more confused.
"Yes, the peanuts" explains the bartender.....
"they're complimentary"
:)
Let me tell you it really escalated quickly.
I was trying to cook an egg in the microwave because I’m extremely lazy, and it (unsurprisingly) exploded.
So she looks at the exploded egg, looks at me and then says: “ aha, it eggsploded ”
My friends started freaking out. They wouldn’t stop either. So I said “ I incyst you don’t abscess over this
She freaked out and shouted "What?!!! Why??!!!"
I told her:
"I would rather have a doctor do that"
Doctor: How do you feel now?
Man: With my elbows, mostly.
Guess I'll just have to wing it.
I said, "relax honey! You're just having a mid-wife crisis."
I said "No, it doesn't".
Kleenex.
He freaked out when he found out my boyfriend is Black.
I think he has anxiyeti.
He responded, “Aisle B, Back”
Edit: wow first silver!!!! Thank you 🙏🏾 anonymous Redditor!
Edit2: my wife doesn’t use reddit. She’s thoroughly enjoying the responses to the joke in the joke jar she created for me and the silver (“whatever those are”). Happy Father’s!
Edit3: https://imgur.com/gallery/5G25Flw wife got me a nice gift 🎁
When he died penniless, he was living in squall lore.
Best game of Monopoly ever.
Because you can’t see in the dark
He had aTaipei personality
The character has always been a Fe Male
Germ mans
Cat puns really freak meowt. I'm not kitten here...
